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to ask DH if he's been unfaithful?

(105 Posts)
JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 09:56:41

I name changed and posted in relationships last night because I'm experiencing symptoms which could indicate an std. Apologies for TMI but I have lots of stretchy greeny yellow discharge, tummy pain, lower back pain, nausea and a fever on and off. I also need to wee lots and urgently and feel a bit burny down below. I saw the doctor this morning and he said it sounds likely to be chlamydia and that I need to make an appointment at the GUM clinic.

DH has form for being dishonest when caught out so I don't trust him 100%. When I was pregnant I accidentally saw he'd been watching porn. He'd always said he didn't like porn, never watched it etc. I checked his history and he was watching it and masterbating daily which had been negatively impacting our sex life but he'd still lied and continued to do so until I told him I'd checked his history.

I want to ask him outright if he's been unfaithful and if this could be chlamydia but I appreciate that completely demonstrates I don't trust him and could seriously damage the relationship if it turns out not to be. But I don't think I can wait for the appointment and remain in pain and seething without just saying something. Would I be unreasonable to ask him?

Gobbolino6 Fri 11-Mar-16 09:59:23

I'd wait until you have the results. Then he can't deny.

JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 10:01:50

Part of me agrees Gobbolino but part of me thinks if I asks then he denies even though it's risking my health and it turns out to be positive, well then there's just no going back is there?

ridemesideways Fri 11-Mar-16 10:02:25

I'd try to wait before outright accusing him of anything. I'd also get tested for everything, as if you could have chlamydia you could have anything.

But - lying about watching porn doesn't necessarily mean he'd cheat. Likewise, asking him about it doesn't necessarily mean he wouldn't like about it anyway.

Why not tell him your symptoms, that you've got an appointment but the GP thinks it might be chlamydia? See his initial reaction?

ridemesideways Fri 11-Mar-16 10:02:45


Arfarfanarf Fri 11-Mar-16 10:04:10

Not at all.

be prepared for him to lie though.

And of course, if you say it and then go to the dr and it turns out it isn't an std (I was on your other thread, there are things eg BV that have similar symptoms) then you can never unask that question and you have to consider how that might affect things.

If it was me, I would tough it out and wait for the appointment and wait until I knew. If it was an infection but not an std then it's just about treating it and you haven't asked him something it's hard to come back from. If it is then you have proof.

However, if you really can't wait then you could either sit down and say something along the lines of I have the symptoms of an STD. I have an appointment with the dr. I have not been unfaithful. This is your one chance to tell me if you have. If I go to the doctor and it is an STD, we are through.

Or you could say that you have some strange gynae symptoms which are causing you pain and discomfort and you are going to the gp and watch his reaction. That way you don't have to pretend you are not in pain but you are holding off asking him until you know whether you actually have something to ask him!

Then of course, you need to know what you will do if it does turn out to be an std. Will you leave?

Tangfastics Fri 11-Mar-16 10:05:17

Chlamydia is usually symptomless. I'd wait for the results though as apart from the discharge, it sounds like a UTI?

coconutpie Fri 11-Mar-16 10:05:39

Why would you accuse him when you don't even know if you have an STI? Wait until you get the results.

Sallyingforth Fri 11-Mar-16 10:09:12

Wait until you've had the full STI tests.
You can then decide whether /what to ask him.

Cutecat78 Fri 11-Mar-16 10:11:59

That does not sound like Chlamydia is sounds like Gonhorrea (sp?)


acasualobserver Fri 11-Mar-16 10:13:31

If asked, say you have an appointment at the GUM clinic on the advice of your GP. If he wants to react to that he can. You can challenge him directly (or not at all) once you have your results.

IlikePercyPig Fri 11-Mar-16 10:13:39

Wait until you get the results, that question can never be unasked.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 11-Mar-16 10:16:48

it could be trichomoniasis or BV too, so I wouldn't be too hasty in accusing him if I were you.

Get yourself down to the GUM clinic and get tested for the full panel if stds, and swabs for the above.

JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 10:18:51

It's not accusing just to ask if there's anything he needs to tell me before I go to the clinic. It's usually symptomless but if you do get symptoms they're 1-3 weeks after sex, which this is. It was the first time we'd been intimate in months.

GlitteryFluff Fri 11-Mar-16 10:19:52

I'd get tested for everything. Then you're armed with the facts. If he has given you std's then it doesn't really matter what he answers. He's cheated on you, at least once, unprotected, and then happily infected you. I wouldn't give a shit if he was honest with me then or not. Fact is fact.

JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 10:21:57

Trichomoniasis is possible based on the symptoms and also an std.

AuntieStella Fri 11-Mar-16 10:22:04

What are the chances of him actually telling the truth if you ask him like that?

I'd get the results (and yes, you should have the full screening) and then deal with what is actually happening.

BigGaggingBird Fri 11-Mar-16 10:25:55

You having an STD which is proof of him cheating is one issue. For this I would wait for results, rather than diagnosing yourself based on symptoms alone.

You not having an STD, and simply suspecting him of cheating or being generally unhappy with the relationship is another issue. This is something you will have to talk to him about, but I would advise you to get the results out of the way before doing so.

AgathaF Fri 11-Mar-16 10:26:16

Wait until you have your results. If you won't believe his answers then there's no point asking the question until you know what your results are.

When is your appointment? Do they do a drop-in session that you could turn up at before your appointment?

PestilentialCat Fri 11-Mar-16 10:30:25

If is is Chlamydia it is entirely possible you caught it years ago & it has become active - that isn't helpful, I know sad

JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 10:31:36

I have to wait until next Friday when he's off so I don't have to take our two preschool aged dc.

JustCleo Fri 11-Mar-16 10:32:29

Chlamydia usually shows symptoms immediately if it's going to show and I was screened during pregnancy last year so I know I was fine then.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Mar-16 10:35:30

To be honest, if I thought he'd been unfaithful, I'd tell him that the doctor says it looks like HIV and I'd give him a while to be really bloody scared.

lorelei9 Fri 11-Mar-16 10:35:42

Get the results first. Imagine if you accuse him and it turns out you have an infection that isn't an STD!

ridemesideways Fri 11-Mar-16 10:36:58

It's not accusing just to ask if there's anything he needs to tell me before I go to the clinic

It would certainly sound accusing, or at least insinuating. What else could you be getting at?! But only YOU know in your heart how you feel about him.

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