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To no longer call for updates re my mother's health- I will wait until I hear she's either dead or released from hospital

(14 Posts)
Evelight Thu 10-Mar-16 18:14:57

All my family live in another country (including currently DH who is there for some work affairs). Rights now it's me and our two kids here in Canada.

About two weeks ago my mom had some sort of day surgery to have a stone from her gall bladder removed. She was released after a day. Everything seemed ok.

however she keeps having recurring fevers. Early this week she was hospitalised while they are running tests and things on her. Every day my family (two DBs, my DF and one very kind aunt, Dm's younger sis) tell me via phone that everything is ok, i shouldn't worry, and the dr said she will be released today.

So this is the fifth day now and she hasn't been released and noone seems to know what is happening.

So today I call DH in panic/breakdown mode and ask him to come back and stay with kids and I will fly back and see what's going on (although it is mid-term and I am teaching this term and don't know what to do about that). He hems and haws and says how impossible it is viz. work and if i really need to, i should fly home taking the kids (using a sizeable chunk of our emergency fund). I say financially it makes sense for the two of us to fly back and forth rather than me flying with the kids. Anyway, inconclusive conversation.

Also inconclusive with brothers and aunt.

So at this point, I decide that
-my priority is my kids and myself. Calling my relatives for updates is tearing me apart and annoying for them. Either my mom dies, or she's gonna be released. Either way, I cannot do anything, and they will let me know whenever they need to.

So I am typing this now here to strengthen my resolve not to call again, and go teach, pick up kids, and carry on life as usual.

BestZebbie Thu 10-Mar-16 18:23:16


ScoutsMam Thu 10-Mar-16 18:27:43

flowers It sounds so hard for you, whatever you decide to do can't be unreasonable as you're doing what you need to do to get you and your family through it.

Maryz Thu 10-Mar-16 18:28:51

You are right. Don't call again. There is nothing you can do from where you are, so making yourself sick with worry won't help.

It's entirely possible they don't know exactly what's going on. She could have more gallstones; they might be waiting to see if she gets worse or whether they should operate again. They might just be totally inefficient and not got around to getting all the test results.

What you can be sure of is that if something was badly wrong, they would tell your family. So provided you trust them, leave them to it.

The one thing you could do is talk to the most sympathetic of your relatives, and tell them the not knowing is killing you, that you are making up all sorts of scenarios in your head, and make them promise to ring you straight away and tell you if there is bad news.

Convince them that you don't mind what the news is as long as you are kept in the loop.

And then put it out of your mind and get on with the important stuff.

Katarzyna79 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:34:56

she may have a stone lodged in the gallbladder which they cant remove, this happened to my brother he was only in his early 30s. It was giving him such pain and fever. They recommended he have it removed. So he had to go home to strengthen up a bit, then he went back in for the surgery the following week.

I hope it's nothing more serious. Ask your husband or sibling to call you with any serious news, not leave you in the dark, that way you don't have to keep calling.

The same thing occurred with my brother, no one is clear on the phone something wrong with them or what? in the end I lfet my kids with my husband and caught a train down took 5 hrs. I also thought he might die from what they were telling me.

Corygal1 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:35:24

It's pretty unusual to die from minor surgery. Especially as she recovered afterwards.

People go into hosp for tests the whole time. They walk out, you know.

Try and calm down - yes, I know what an annoying remark that is. But no news is good news, and in the unlikely event anything is afoot with your mum's health, she'll need you to be strong for that.

MummaV Thu 10-Mar-16 18:39:44

In your position I'd call the hospital directly and try to get an idea of what's going on rather than the Chinese whispers coming from various family members. That should give you a better idea of the situation.

Last time I was in hospital I was 'going home today' for 4 days, the doctor who needed to discharge me was constantly being called away. I ended up discharging myself.

XiCi Thu 10-Mar-16 18:39:59

I agree with Mary that you really need to speak to someone and tell them that you absolutely need to know the exact situation so you can decide whether to fly back and that them keeping you in the dark is causing untold worry. Also, as her daughter you could phone the hospital and ask for an update from them, you may get the information you need this way rather than from your relatives.
Hope she's better soon OP, you must be so worried

RB68 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:42:50

gallbladders are tricky business, it could be a number of things and its possible they don't know just yet - more stones, more inflamation, another stuck or onto peritonitis

I would stay where you are and keep things relatively normal for the kids, I would try and plan for DH to be home soon so you can go visit, try and phone once or twice a day only and have one key contact

Hopefully they will be able to say what is wrong soon

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 10-Mar-16 18:48:47

I don't know anything about gallbladders and I am sorry you are upset. It's very stressful being overseas when close family are unwell.

A friend recently got stuck in hospital for over a week as they were growing something in a petri dish / checking if something would grow in a lab somewhere as part of his blood tests. They wouldn't release him until that test came back clear and it had to take days in order to run the test.

LuluJakey1 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:51:17

I would try not to worry.
I had a gall stone problem that resulted in my pancreas becoming inflamed. I had fevers, awful pain and was in hospital a fortnight until they got it under control. A stone had got into the tube into my pancreas.
You can get infections, inflammations and more stones until the gall bladder is removed.
It was 4 months before I was well enough to actually have it removed.
I hope your mum is fine. She is in the best place possible. Worrying won't help her or you.
Why do you think she might die? Gall bladders are usually easily dealt with.

VulcanWoman Thu 10-Mar-16 18:56:55

I agree with calling the hospital directly when you want to. Things get dragged out with tests and getting things ready to discharge a patient, always seems to take longer than expected. Must be difficult being so far away. Best wishes.

Headofthehive55 Thu 10-Mar-16 19:19:19

If she was my mum id want to go any see her. She may or may not be in danger but she's possibly had a rough time and felt ill. Believe me they don't keep people in hospital if they are well!

Evelight Thu 10-Mar-16 21:44:11

Hi again, thanks for the kind words of support. I honestly think my DBs would tell me if something is seriously wrong- I've sworn them to! I just think at this point nobody really DOES know- they just have to wait for the results of various tests/ scans- apparently she spent most of today at the labs.

I don't know why I talked about dying- I realise you (usually) don't die of gall bladder stones... Anyway I walked into class on the blinking back tears but after a session of teaching felt quite positive again... good old protestant work ethic hey.

the thing is, I really would ONLY consider flying back at this point if she ACTUALLY was on her deathbed- finances, childcare, time-wise, from all aspects it is practically impossible just to go back "to visit", "just" because she's ill.

So yeah, I'm gonna stick to only (maximum) one phone call per day, later in the evening. I think I had bad timing today also when I called earlier in the day and she was still in the lab and they were all feeling super frazzled and nervous hanging around waiting all day. One day at a time, right.

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