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to ask my dp to contribute to "me" time?

(70 Posts)
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 09-Mar-16 10:26:12

So, I'm currently on maternity leave but not receiving any money anymore. I chose to take the full year and the last 13 weeks I would fund using my savings. I contribute half of all bills and the mortgage as well as half of all food bills. I'm quite far away from my family and his dm is an active busy retiree. His dm looks after our ds for a couple of hours mid morning on one day a week but every week (she has lots of activities so she does it to give me a break).

I've found a childminder just across from our house and she's agreed to take our ds when I return to work. She charges by the hour which suits us as dp works shifts. I've sounded her out about taking our ds for a morning a week (3-4 hours) and she's fine with that (helps with ds settling in when I'm back full time). These hours will cost about £20 per week and allow me a bit of time to myself to either food shop/go for a swim/slob out/make dinner etc.

Soooo, AIBU to ask my dp to stump up half? (£10) He has two hobbies he goes to twice every week and which sometimes take him away at weekends.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Wed 09-Mar-16 10:34:06

You have a baby and live together, I find it weird that you have totally separate finances. Even if you don't share everything surely things for your DS should be from a joint pot. Yanbu to expect him to share the cost

FigMango1 Wed 09-Mar-16 10:36:30

Yanbu but why are you even asking whether he should contribute to childcare for his own child?

Whatdoidohelp Wed 09-Mar-16 10:38:14

You are a family unit, why are you treating your finances separately?

NameChangeEr Wed 09-Mar-16 10:42:03

I still find it strange that you had to pay out of your savings. We have one pot for everything, doesn't change on who is earning more/not working etc. But I know that doesn't work for some people where one half will piss away money.

So don't know what to suggest really if you're both happy with the arrangement.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 10:47:00

Me and dh have separate finances.

We also have a joint account for bills and savings.

No way would dh expect me to drain my personal savings to fund my mat leave. It would come out of joint savings. As would childcare.

Tbh neither of us would have been keen on paying for child care out of the joint account when one parent was at home.

I don't get how this sort of arrangements works when it comes to money.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 09-Mar-16 10:47:25

He has never been, um, forthcoming when it comes to support financially. I earn slightly more (£300 pm) and own the house (he only moved in last year). I've paid for pram/cot/toys etc for our ds and I suppose it's because I'm financially independent and find it hard to have joint finances. Plus, I don't trust his money management tbh..he has quite a bit of debt and my only debt is the mortgage.

I know it's weird but trust me it's the tip of the iceberg hmm

Thanks for your replies!

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 10:50:29

So you earn £300 a month in your normal job?

He earns less than that? Part time I assume.

How are either of those salaries anywhere near enough to make ends meet?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Mar-16 10:50:35

You live together and had a baby. Yanbu to put this to him. Our baby = our responsibility = shared effort + costs, if you're earning.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 09-Mar-16 10:54:07

You not asking him to contribute to you time, you're asking him to contribute to childcare costs.

bluebellforest Wed 09-Mar-16 10:55:16

I think she was saying she earns £300 more than dh every month.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 09-Mar-16 10:55:17

He sounds like a right catch OP hmm

Finallyonboard Wed 09-Mar-16 10:56:02

YANBU! I would also say you shouldn't be paying half of bills etc whilst on maternity leave. Money becomes a family pot once you have children IMO.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 10:56:41

I think him contributing a tenner for some child care so you get a bit more 'me time', is the least of your problems.

Euphemia Wed 09-Mar-16 10:57:59

He's not your partner. He's a flatmate with benefits. Benefits to him!

molyholy Wed 09-Mar-16 10:59:06

I am surprised you have to put it to him as a query. You have paid for all of the baby items. You are using your savings to cover time off for Mat leave to look after your baby. He is aware that the baby is half his isn't he???

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 09-Mar-16 11:06:00

No, he's not a great catch but he's not a bad spud and he's a pretty good dad. Just to be really honest, I don't see this relationship lasting forever (I'm such an optimist!!) but that's a whole other thread!

Yes, I earn £300 pm more than him and still not exactly raking it in.

Definitely going to say to him tonight...before he goes off to his hobby hmm

cosytoaster Wed 09-Mar-16 11:07:18

He's not your partner. He's a flatmate with benefits. Benefits to him!

This ^

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 11:07:58

Oh right bluebell that makes much more sense. blush

Stillunexpected Wed 09-Mar-16 11:09:37

I think this is strange. Surely you will drive yourselves mad splitting everything to the last penny? Also I don't think that sending your child to the childminder for a couple of hours is "me" time on the basis that you will be using at least part of that time to do things around the house, food shop, dinner prep etc all of which will benefit your family unit, not just you. Even if you did spend all the time shopping, at the cinema, gym whatever your partner should realise that having some time away from the baby is ultimately also benefitting all of you as you will be more relaxed, less tired etc. So on that basis yes, your partner should contribute.

I am assuming that you meant you earned £300 pm more than your partner? Not that you earn £300 in total?

BabyGanoush Wed 09-Mar-16 11:11:20

OP, that's a bit of a weird and sad set up, sorry to be harsh.

Either way, the childcare costs should come out of both your salaries.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 09-Mar-16 11:12:44

He's not your partner. He's a flatmate with benefits. Benefits to him!

^^ YY - this. x1000.

skankingpiglet Wed 09-Mar-16 11:13:10

So he has enough money spare after bills to do a couple of hobbies a week but you are having to use savings to cover bills? You need to sort that bit out. As others have said, asking for £10/wk is the least of your worries.

I get not having completely joint money. We have separate current and savings accounts, but we also have joint ones. The bills (mostly) come out of the joint acc, and we contribute to that proportional to our incomes. I tend to buy all DD's stuff for ease, but then DH transfers me half back. It works for us, but because our set up is fair.

MistressDeeCee Wed 09-Mar-16 11:14:27

I know people are surprised re the set up, seperate finances etc but the question here is whether DP should contribute, isn't it. People can have their set ups as they please. I don't do the joint finances thing, never wanted to, but if others prefer that, thats fine

OP yes, ask him to contribute and its pretty mean of him to allow you to drain your savings whilst on maternity leave. Whatever set up you choose to have, has to work for you

Spudlet Wed 09-Mar-16 11:20:24

You don't see it lasting forever but you still thought it would be a good idea to bring a child into the mix? FFS.

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