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AIBU to think that when your dd calls you in tears, you see her?

(116 Posts)
Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 06:55:13

My cousin is in her 40s, and has some mild disabilities. She lived with her bf for a few years, but they broke up. She phoned her mother in tears, but didn't get any where with her. So, she phoned my dm, and my dm told her to come and stay with her, until we can help her live independently in sheltered housing.

But, if your dd called you in tears, would you not just go and pick her up? No matter what? Bearing in mind that money is no object, you only live down the road, your house is huge and you don't work or have any commitments?

Her dd is mild mannered, and no problem at all. Perhaps mildly irritating to live with, but it's not her fault. She's her dd. Her dad hasn't invited her to stay with him either, but I don't know his circumstances at all.

I don't understand how people could just not help their own dd. sad

StealthPolarBear Wed 09-Mar-16 06:56:23

Is her mother the relative of yours? Has she always been like this?
Your poor cousin sad

mycatsloveeachother Wed 09-Mar-16 06:58:35

Well, no, not automatically. I don't know enough about the circumstances here really.

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 07:03:22

Yes, she's my aunt. Yes, tbh, she's always pushed them away, but her dd called her directly for help, emotionally in bits. I don't know what she would have done if my dm didn't take her in. If my dm could do it for her niece, why couldn't my aunt do it for her dd?

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 07:03:36

What mycat said.

To say she phoned in tears and nothing was done sounds unfeeling, but it gives no context at all. Is this a regular thing and a bit of a storm in a teacup? Is her mum trying to encourage some independence? Did the current situation require a mercy dash? Too many unknowns.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 07:05:46

I think Yabu to judge.

Neither parent rescued her which suggests something else may be at play here, that you have no does about.

mycatsloveeachother Wed 09-Mar-16 07:05:51

I have a disabled relative.

I love him, but if I went out there every time he rang either in tears or in high levels of anxiety I'd never get anything done - I don't mean that to sound harsh, it is just the way it is.

You say 'I don't know what she would have done', but from your description she was not in any immediate danger, but I think I might have misunderstood something.

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 07:06:20

If my dm could do it for her niece, why couldn't my aunt do it for her dd?

Because parents often have a different perspective to more distant relatives and they aren't always wrong either.

GymBergerac Wed 09-Mar-16 07:06:31

Huge sympathies for your cousin, and your mum sounds lovely and kind for supporting her.

Years ago, having been assaulted (again) by XH I finally plucked up the courage to tell my dad, and he was sweet and understanding.... However ten minutes later I had a "secret" phone call from my step mother, telling me I was selfish for burdening him with my silly stories and how I'd made my bed and should lie in it, and that I'd really upset him by calling. I ended up calling him back, apologising for telling him everything, and saying I'd made it all up because I was drunk.......sad He died without ever knowing the truth.

So yeah, sadly there are people out there like that.. I'm glad your Mum has your cousin's back.....

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 07:10:28

I think that it was unfeeling. Her dd can make a big deal out of small things sometimes, as although she's an adult, emotionally she's aged around 13. But this was a genuine crisis in her life. Her relationship was over, and she loved this man. He told her that she had to move out of his flat, and so she called her dm for help. Her dm didn't help her, in a situation where I think that most parents would step up.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Wed 09-Mar-16 07:11:09

Well, my mum would. And she does for my sister all the time. I worry sometimes that it means that my sister will never learn to be more independent - which may be where your aunt is coming from - but my sister isn't really capable of being independent at the moment anyway. It depends on how capable your cousin is and how your aunt has tried to help in the past.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Wed 09-Mar-16 07:12:06

X-post. Based on your last post, I agree that your aunt was being a bit unfeeling and good for your mum for stepping up.

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 07:12:36

So sorry to hear that Gymbergerac. flowers

SirChenjin Wed 09-Mar-16 07:16:28

Unless it was happening every week and I was completely worn down then absolutely I'd be there. Without question. Esp. if my DCS had learning difficulties.

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 07:29:47

Thanks for your replies. Tbh, I do feel bad judging, and sorry to drip feed, but I didn't want to give away too much detail. I just wanted reassurance I suppose that most parents wouldn't do this.

CamboricumMinor Wed 09-Mar-16 07:32:47

Well it depends really, I mean if you are my mother you say you are busy because you have people there and can I phone tomorrow.
OTOH, if you are a decent, caring mother you at least talk and see what the problem is.

FigMango1 Wed 09-Mar-16 07:33:41

I think yabvu to judge. You and your dm have the luxury of being faced with this once in a blue moon and therefore it's so easy to say you would do this without a second thought.

You have no idea for her parents what it's really like. Your dm is not her mother and therefore cannot know what her mother went through. Very easy for others to judge when this situation isn't part of their life.

WhatBloodyTimeDoYouCallThis Wed 09-Mar-16 07:40:47

Your view seems a bit simplistic without knowing the full history. Your cousin may ring her mother every few days 'in tears' about some crisis or other. In those circumstances I'd be disinclined to go rushing down each time either. There was a post on here a while ago from a mum in despair about her son who had autism who would constantly phone her or turn up and go on and on and on and on about his life and his problems without any consideration of the time or what she might be doing at the moment. I'd get the full facts before you pull those judgey pants up too tight.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 07:44:29

The problem is, this could be the hundredth time he has kicked her out. That she has called her mum, that her mum has had to step in. Her mum could have begged her not to go back. Her mum may just feel this can't continue and saving her isn't getting anyone anywhere.

The fact that her dad didn't help either may suggest this too.

Or both could be crap.

I cut my grandad off. Different circumstance but he was alcoholic. I just couldn't go through having to save him anymore.

Reading threads from parents who have children with SN, I can totally get how you get to a point where you can't give anymore.

zzzzz Wed 09-Mar-16 07:47:17

But they aren't "most parents" are they? Their child hasn't developed beyond 13 emotionally, so their parenting is different. It has to be. I honestly think that people TOTALLY underestimate how different that makes EVERYTHING.

The assumption that the parents don't care/can't be arsed is unreasonable.

Perhaps they want their dd to understand how vulnerable she is if she lives with someone else?
Perhaps in order to get sheltered housing they need NOT to take her in?
Perhaps it happens every other week?
Perhaps they have other engagements that take time to rearrange so they CAN support her (eg hospital treatment)?

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 08:01:40

That's true. I can't make people understand without going into more detail. But not only would you not help your disabled dd when she cried out for help, would you also allow other family members to pick up the pieces in your child's life? I genuinely don't understand it, but I can appreciate that it's even more difficult to understand it when you don't know the full details. Or maybe it is more difficult for me to understand, because I do know the full details.

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 08:08:58

But not only would you not help your disabled dd when she cried out for help, would you also allow other family members to pick up the pieces in your child's life? I genuinely don't understand it

But the parents have made their decision for whatever reason. To then back track because their daughter has asked other family members for help could be the wrong thing to do for them and their daughter. You mum is only responsible for her decision to help, your aunt is only responsible for her decision not to.

firesidechat Wed 09-Mar-16 08:10:38

I think the old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes is most apt here.

Stanky Wed 09-Mar-16 08:11:56

I wish that she would walk a mile in her own.

Katenka Wed 09-Mar-16 08:13:37

would you also allow other family members to pick up the pieces in your child's life?

So you think they should change their minds because your mum chose to step in. Not saying your mum is right or wrong. But may be she has made it harder for them in the long term.

Do you have a developmentally delayed adult child?

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