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to want more time to play with my DC?

(35 Posts)
lucyloveslemonade Tue 08-Mar-16 23:34:47

DC are 8, 4 and 11 months and I'm a SAHM. I have given up my (successful) career indefinitely because I wanted to be a SAHM, and to allow DH to progress in his career. He works four long days per week. He doesn't do bedtime, bathtime or night wakings or anything at all around the home besides cooking occasionally.

We were away at the weekend so on Monday 11 mo was tired. I dropped eldest two at school/nursery, got 11 mo to sleep, unpacked everything, did two loads of washing, washed up, hoovered whole house, collected 4 yo from nursery and gave DC lunch. Then we went food shopping and 11 mo had another nap while I unpacked it and prepared tea before collecting 8 yo from school, cooking tea and taking all dc to her activity. Then returned home to wash up, iron uniform and sort out washing. So a whole day and no time at all for playing. DH, on the other hand, was sat watching TV when we returned from the activity and had two hours to play with 4 yo before I took all dc to bed. 8 yo read to me as I did jobs and 11 mo followed me around.

Today DH was off and has done absolutely nothing besides be with the dc. He doesn't actively play as such (more loosely supervises) and the DC are constantly asking me to play but I always have things to do. When 4 yo was at nursery this morning i would have loved to just play with baby but the ironing needed doing so I did that while DH watched baby empty cupboards hmm Then I needed to make lunch, clean pets out, hoover etc and before I knew it, it was time to collect 8 yo from school again.

I said to my sister that it feels pointless being with DH because he doesn't contribute to the household besides financially and she said IABU because I'd still have to do all the jobs if DH wasn't here. While this is true, I don't think that means it's fair that I continue to do it all and always be rushing around while he just sits around. If I was alone, I could at least do jobs while the DC were in bed and get more time with them during the day. AIBU to tell DH that I became a SAHM to be with the children, not to be a housekeeper and that he needs to pull his finger out?

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 08-Mar-16 23:38:40

Four days a week he works. On these four days the house and kids are your job.

Three days a week all housework and kids stuff should be shared equally.

He is taking the piss.

You wanted to be a SAHM not the sole responsible adult in the house / housekeeper. He doesn't get to opt out of family life just because he goes to work. I say this as the breadwinner, DH is the one at home.

You have a right to expect him to step up and do more at home.

Jw35 Wed 09-Mar-16 00:03:14

He needs to help out 50/50 when not working.

You need to forget the housework occasionally and enjoy your kids! (In the nicest possible way).

cruikshank Wed 09-Mar-16 00:06:07

I agree that he needs to pull his weight more around the house, but actually having no time to do housework until after the kids are in bed because as a single parent you're working during the day is no picnic either, and really not comparable at all to being a sahm who does have time during the day to do these things .

AndNowItsSeven Wed 09-Mar-16 00:08:31

I think all housework should be done on your days at home so you can all enjoy family time when your dh is off work.
Four days a week is ample time for housework and playing.
Your dh should help equally with the dc when he is at home bath/ bed etc.
As for the ironing very few things need ironing these days with the exception of shirts.

MinecraftyMum Wed 09-Mar-16 00:15:10

You should be bearing the brunt of the housework IMO because you don't work and your dh does. It's only fair.

But on his days off, everything should be shared - the housework, the childcare and the 'nice' stuff like any free time/playing with the dc etc.

DH, on the other hand, was sat watching TV when we returned from the activity

This is one of the things that stands out to me. You took the two other dc to your eldests after school activity - why? If dh was sitting in the house? If both me and dh are off work and one of the dc has a a party/activity then the other dc stays with the other parent - that's just common sense, rather than dragging around the other children unnecessarily.

Did you suggest leaving the others with him? How would he have reacted or did he react?

lucyloveslemonade Wed 09-Mar-16 00:15:10

I do the bare minimum Jw35 but we have dogs so hoovering needs to be daily, clothes cannot be worn without being ironed etc. When DH is working away I am able to have much more time with them, which shouldn't be the case.

lucyloveslemonade Wed 09-Mar-16 00:17:24

He wasn't home when we left mine crafty but he could have been doing something useful while waiting for us to get home but it doesn't even occur to him to consider what might need doing.

OhSoGraceful Wed 09-Mar-16 00:22:00

Whose clothes need to be ironed? If it's DH's then that should be his responsibility.

Realistically if you have to hoover 2 days of dog hair will it make much difference? If you have to wait 3 days, or for it to get bad enough for DH to do it, does it matter?

He should be stepping up and doing something during hours when you're still doing childcare, so on activity night, he could either look after the younger ones, or do housework until you get back.

Divide work/ leisure time equally as a starting point and see where you end up.

Sadmother Wed 09-Mar-16 00:30:26

Why could you only do things after the children are in bed if he was not there?
Why do you do so much ironing and vacuuming?
Yes, he should do more, leave jobs for him.

Cressandra Wed 09-Mar-16 00:42:15

What would happen if you asked him to make the lunch, and sat down to play for a bit?

BillBrysonsBeard Wed 09-Mar-16 01:07:29

He should definitely be pulling his weight, he sees it all as your responsibility but you're a team. In the meantime though, stop doing pointless ironing! One of lifes biggest wastes of time that women tie themselves to. That would free up a lot of play time!

Moopsboopsmum Wed 09-Mar-16 01:43:13

Get a cleaner, send your ironing out. Make him pay for it. Play with your children more. Problem solved.

Namechangenell Wed 09-Mar-16 03:10:38

My clothes can be worn without ironing.

lucyloveslemonade Wed 09-Mar-16 09:02:42

Because if he's there, sad mother, he expects me to sitting down watching tv with him. Our clothes definitely need ironing and I can't afford to send them out, but I only send an hour and a half ironing per week. It ends up with me getting up an hour before the dc to clean the bathroom/fridge etc so I have more time with them during the day.

This morning I've showered me and 8 yo, got 4 yo up and ready, made packed lunches and breakfast, put a load of washing on, de-iced the car and delivered 4 yo and 8 yo to nursery/school in the pouring rain. DH and baby are sleeping at home after me having been up most of the night with poorly baby. I now have to go food shopping and then make baby breakfast, hoover and strip the beds while she follows me around. All the while, DH will probably have a shower and make coffee at a push.

Only1scoop Wed 09-Mar-16 09:07:53

You sound like a house keeper.

Stop doing it....
"I'll play with dd for a while can you sort lunch"

And when he's off or weekends ....

"I'm just nipping out can you do bedtime..."

"You don't get to do bedtime much as you are working so you probably want to do that. I'll have a nice Gin and put my feet up"

Only1scoop Wed 09-Mar-16 09:09:11

No way on earth I'd be living like that.

Make some changes.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 09-Mar-16 09:13:09

Clothes do not need ironing - just give them a shake and hang them up to dry. Some people seem to find that tumble drying takes away the need for ironing, but that's not my experience.

Vacuuming once or twice a week tops. Same for bathroom and fridge.

Reclaim time with your DC by not cleaning things that haven't even had chance to get dirty smile. Take the DCs and dogs out to run in the woods/park etc.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 09-Mar-16 09:14:34

Wait, it's only Wednesday and you're planning to vacuum for the third time this week. Total madness.

FigMango1 Wed 09-Mar-16 09:24:17

Sorry I but I think you are managing your time at home really badly. You have an 8 and 4yo who are out of the house a few hours a day. How are you not managing to get the housework done during that time. You need to draw up a list for yourself which you do certain tasks on allocated days. 1.5 hours of ironing for the entire week is not much at all but if you are doing it everyday then it's a problem. While he is at home then the chores should definitely be split.

lucyloveslemonade Wed 09-Mar-16 09:32:08

We have three dogs that moult. Downstairs needs hoovering daily with a crawling baby.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 09-Mar-16 09:34:35

Who walks the dogs? How often do you go food shopping? If you organise and meal plan, that shouldn't need to happen more than once or twice a week either or can you get it delivered?

SerenityReynolds Wed 09-Mar-16 09:37:56

I know this is not 100% the point and it would be nice if he took the initiative with things, but why can't you just delegate him tasks when he is off? Send him a text while you're out doing the shopping asking him to empty the washing machine and to strip the beds and put another load on. Or to run the hoover round when baby wakes up. You don't have to send all the ironing out, maybe just get him to pay to have his work shirts done (somewhere close to his work so he can drop them off and pick up). Just tell him what would make your life a bit easier. I know it's frustrating having to micromanage and yes, you ideally shouldn't have to, but what will cause you less stress? Have you actually discussed this with him previously? Apologies if so and he is still being useless!

Also you need to sometimes decide whether your priority for the odd hour is housework or playing with the children. Some of the things you describe doing could easily be left until the next day every now and then, giving you more time with the DC.

Tallulahoola Wed 09-Mar-16 09:40:35

OP are you like my mum and insist on ironing everything in the house including knickers and face cloths?

You need to tell him to pull his weight and help you more. But you can also cut down on all the housework. DC own about two items of clothing that I concede need ironing though I am a slovenly witch and otherwise look fine. Stop hoovering every day. There is no need to clean the fridge unless you've just spilt a bottle of milk in there. Give the sink a wipe and chuck some bleach down the loo in the minute between turning the shower on and getting into it. The rest is a once/twice a week job.

Speaking of my mother, she has been a martyr to housework all her life and constantly complains about the amount she has to do, but if my dad tries to help her she goes nuts about him not doing it 'properly' and insists on doing it herself. I have no idea if you're one of these people but if you are please stop!

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