Housework strike

[dubdurbs]

Help me out here Vipers-DP need kicking into touch a bit about who does what around the house-he seems to think that I do nothing at all around the house bar 'cook sometimes'

To clarify, he works 40ish hrs a week over 5 days with an hour commute each way, and I generally work 25hrs per week over 6 days locally. Both of us in very intense roles, his in IT, me in a public facing role that is very demanding and complicated. I rarely get to take more than a 10 minute break as there is no cover, while he can take a lunch hour or step away for a cigarette or tea break. Last week I covered my colleagues shifts too(annual leave) and totalled close to 60 hours with an average of 8 minutes away from my desk a day to bolt down a wrap/leftovers. As a result, both of us are tired and the house work has slipped.

At home, I do all the cooking, washing, ironing, looking after our pet, clearing out and resetting the fire, cleaning of bathrooms etc, while DP mops and vacuums once a week, usually on a sunday, and very rarely if we have company coming over. He resents having to do this at all as he seems to think it is part of my role. I would be a bit more relaxed about housework, as long as it's not dirty, it doesn't bother me. DP grew up in a house where literally everything has to be tidied away immediately, but is himself a massive slob. He would happily live in filth if it were just him in the house and take any issue with it, but takes HUGE offence to me not keeping the perfect house at all times. My view is that if you want something done, do it yourself or quit bitching.

What horrible things can I wish on this 1950's throwback, I need to teach him a lesson in gender equality and mutual respect!!



(He's not always like this, just horribly stressed at work and is striking out at me in frustration, he'll apologise later, but I want to make suffer a bit first :D)

[BillSykesDog]

They're his standards not yours. If he demands a higher standard he needs to do it himself.

[Bambalina]

he might need to take a bit of annual leave, if he has any, to destress. Preferably at the same time you have to go on a week long course somewhere away from home or something. Basically he needs to realise 'kinaesthetically' what needs doing, as he is not 'hearing' it.

Or strike! When I am feeling that sense of 'you're at home all day, you do it' I tend to pull right back and do the bare essentials to keep DD fed and happy.

The grown up and responsible thing would be to have a frank discussion of exactly what needs doing, how long it takes, and how often it needs doing. In contrast with the hours you are out at work. Then a boot up his arse.
No need to be that lazy and sexist in this day and age.

[Bambalina]

absolutely, billsykes. I once got told 'I didn't clean the toilet properly'. Hahaha, guess who cleans the toilet now? (and its not is typing on mumsnet!)

[Bambalina]

dammit, ' in wrong place. Should be I 'didnt . . .'

pedants away

[Moopsboopsmum]

Get a cleaner. Problem solved. You can clearly afford it, why bother getting stressed about it.

[notquitehuman]

Letting things slip is usually a good way to show the other party how much they take for granted. Do the absolute basics, look after the pets, but don't clean to the standard he expects.

Things might get pretty gross though!

[Mysteryfla]

I once got told 'I didn't clean the toilet properly'. Hahaha, guess who cleans the toilet now? (and its not is typing on mumsnet!)

I've been married 46 years. First time I did laundry I was told I didn't iron his shirts like his Mum did, I told him to take them to his Mum then, or do them himself, never ironed a shirt since.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Er. I never ironed his shirts in the first place, so was freed from the constraints of doing so forever if I did it to his liking... Why would I? I'm his wife, not his butler.
< actually, he irons my shirts... >
This is the sort of pickle you get into if you take on all the drudgery. It becomes your job, not a shared responsibility.
For the same reason, I went away for lots of weekends and left him with various babies, toddlers, preschoolers etc. He is after all their parent.

Yep. Time to introduce him to the real world. Or pay a cleaner. That would be an interesting introduction to how much it costs to pay someone else to do the things he doesn't even notice have been done, lol.

[dubdurbs]

We most definitely can't afford a cleaner Moopboopsmum-old house that we have ripped apart and practically build again, which is an ongoing project, and car loans which need repaying. We haven't had a holiday in 4 years.

I think his main problem is that he grew up in a house where if it wasn't cleaned or tidied away his mother did it for him. On the other hand, he has a father who vacuums the house daily, and will always wash the dishes if there are any to be done.

I've happily let standards slip before the house was filthy. When the teaspoons ran out, he started using dessert spoons to make his tea, and finally gave in when he had to use a fork to make a coffee. I think the granules running through its tines were the bitter limit for him, and he washed the plates. Left all the cutlery for me to do because he 'doesn't like doing them' Clearly I get a thrill from ensuring my knives sparkle

[Frika]

Jesus, why are you married to this throwback?

He would happily live in filth if it were just him in the house and take any issue with it, but takes HUGE offence to me not keeping the perfect house at all times.

That's pretty odd. If he would be perfectly happy living in a pigsty if he lived alone, why should that change because he lives with a woman? Is it because he thinks that possessing a vagina somehow gives you exclusive duties to the maintenance of shiny sinks and sparkly cutlery? Is it infra dig to live in Slob Central if you've got a wife to clean for you, along the lines of 'no point keeping a dog and barking yourself'? Charming.

Work stress is no excuse. My DH and I are both under massive work stress at the moment - in particular, he works six day weeks with at least one or two nights where he doesn't get home till midnight, and is under huge pressure running an understaffed department - and I'm up against three huge deadlines, and we are continually having massive, pointless rows about something that happened in 1992, or who forgot to put pre-schooler DS's manky lunchbox in the dishwasher, or whether the Pixies were better than the Smiths etc etc.

But even in these circumstances he isn't labouring under the delusion that housework is somehow my responsibility.

[queenMab99]

Making coffee with a fork!