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To feel so betrayed and think this is not okay? - Trigger Warning

(100 Posts)
DelphiBlue Tue 08-Mar-16 11:45:19

I'm posting in AIBU because I know I'll get honest replies here, but I'm really upset so please try to be relatively gentle.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a friend, I'll call her H. H and I's relationship was pretty unhealthy and she was quite manipulative and mean but I cared for her and helped her out a lot through difficult times. She obviously met my parents a few times and in fact stayed with us for a week once when she was kicked out of her home. We have not spoken in about 7 years when I finally had enough and cut her off. The reasons for this are pretty extensive but I hope you will trust that they were all valid!

This week my mum called and said she had had a Facebook message from H and they had been chatting a bit and are going to meet up for a 'proper catch up'. She didn't ask if I minded, just told me. H wasn't particularly close with my mum when we were friends so it's quite confusing to me.

I had a long conversation with my mum and divulged to her the biggest reason why I don't want H anywhere near my life. When we were younger and had been out partying I got VERY drunk. H and a few of her friends were going back to hers, so she helped me into a cab, had to practically carry me upstairs, undressed me and put me into bed. I vaguely remember getting into bed but nothing of the journey home. When I was in bed in a complete slumber, one of H's male friends came into the room. I heard H say 'you can shag her but you better use a condom'. He came in and had sex with me and when I woke up next to him in the morning I felt like I wanted to die. I was so ashamed that I got dressed and left really early. Later that day H texted me laughing saying she'd recorded a video of me and this guy having sex on her phone. It was apparently a joke, but I obviously didn't find it very funny.

At the time I totally and completely blamed myself and felt really ashamed of what I'd done. But the past few years I've started to feel like actually what they both did was really not Ok. I can't imagine doing that to any of my girl friends drunk or sober.

My mum has told me I'm overreacting a bit and thinking too much into it. She said stuff like that happens when you're young and you go out drinking. That I shouldn't be het up over a one night stand and I can't blame H for that.

I've been crying all morning and a big part of me is beginning to doubt myself. Am I overreacting?

DelphiBlue Tue 08-Mar-16 11:45:45

God sorry that was so long

Bellyrub1980 Tue 08-Mar-16 11:48:00

Just wanted to quickly post between clients and say YANBU. What a horrible, horrible experience for you. I can't believe that was your mothers reaction.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker Tue 08-Mar-16 11:48:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 08-Mar-16 11:48:41

That was NOT OK. You were raped. Your "friend" was a part of that.

Is there anyone you can speak to about this in RL? sad

ficklefuck Tue 08-Mar-16 11:48:49

You are not overreacting. AT ALL. Do not doubt yourself for one moment more.

Fabellini Tue 08-Mar-16 11:49:37

That was not a one night stand. You did not consent. Your mum is blaming you for something that was NOT your fault and NOT your choice.
I can totally understand why you would never want anything to do with H again and am at a complete loss as to why your mum does to be honest.
flowers for you.

PinotAndPlaydough Tue 08-Mar-16 11:50:34

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I'm so sorry that your mum is behaving in this way too, you have every right to be upset.

It sounds like you did not give consent to this man and that H actively encouraged him. I think if I were you I would explain again clearly to your mum that this was not consensual sex and also consider going to the police.
I wish I could offer better advice flowers

MrsSteptoe Tue 08-Mar-16 11:51:18

OP, I do wonder if you might be better on the Relationships board. I think someone else will come along who uses the site more and will tell you if AIUU is the wrong place for you.
This is a really horrible story, and your mother is letting you down so, so badly. I have no idea what to say to you other than that. flowers

FetchezLaVache Tue 08-Mar-16 11:51:52

Jesus, that's awful. You poor thing, that's an enormous betrayal. H is a disgusting person. Does your mum not understand that this was not a one-night stand? Does she think you should be grateful that H at least insisted that your rapist wear a condom? YADNBU at all.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 08-Mar-16 11:52:43

No you are absolutely not overreacting! I am genuinely shocked at your mother describing it as a one night stand when it was very clearly a rape shock.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. H and her male friend belong in jail. Your mother is a fuckwit. (Has she form for this sort of behaviour?) I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all this being dragged up by H getting in contact. You said she was manipulative, it seems that hasn't changed.

Seeyounearertime Tue 08-Mar-16 11:52:43

"H" facilitated your rape and your mum is okay with that.

I think you have every right to be upset.

MrsSteptoe Tue 08-Mar-16 11:52:47

Ah - perhaps ignore query as to whether you should be on Relationships board, someone would have said it by now if it was a better place!

WhoAteAllTheDinosaurs Tue 08-Mar-16 11:53:18

OMG that is not ok. Not ok at all. He raped you, and she encouraged him to. The pair of them are awful excuses for human beings.

And your mum's reaction- feels like such a betrayal.

ursuslemonade Tue 08-Mar-16 11:53:31

No of course you're not overreacting. H is a cunt and your mum should not minimise what had happened to you.
It wasn't a one night stand, you were raped FGS.

DelphiBlue Tue 08-Mar-16 11:54:00

My mum has never been very good at sticking up for me and has views that I struggle to understand about sexual abuse. (Ie when lots of these abuse stories arised from the 70s she would wave them away saying 'it was different back then').

molyholy Tue 08-Mar-16 11:55:50

Oh my god OP - That's horrible. It is disgusting and I am so sorry this happened to you. I am totally fucking aghast at your mothers reaction. You should speak to someone and definitely consider calling the police.

IWantToLiveInPawnee Tue 08-Mar-16 11:55:55

Sorry if I've missed it but have you explained fully to your mum what happened? If yes then this is NOT OK and things DO NOT happen like this when you are young and drunk.

Your mum should not be meeting up with her.

thanks for you and do not let this be minimised. It was awful and unacceptable what happened to you. I hope you can find somebody in RL to confide in and talk it through.

I really I hope somebody can offer you some practical advice on here to.

We're all on your side, keep posting and have a big, reassuring hug from me.

FigMango1 Tue 08-Mar-16 11:56:09

Yanbu and your mum's response is terrible. You basically told her you were raped and she shrugs you off. Sorry you had to go through that. It was not your fault. This H needs to stay out of your life.

Did your mother say if she is still meeting her?

Katedotness1963 Tue 08-Mar-16 11:57:27

No! You are definitely not overreacting. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Are you sure your mum understood what you were telling her? I can't imagine brushing that kind of news off like that.

Chattymummyhere Tue 08-Mar-16 11:57:55

Not at over reaction at all. Your mum shouldn't be wanting to talk her at all after hearing that. You didn't have a one night stand you where raped by your friends friend and she recorded it! Christ.

The angry person in me would message old friend and tell her that I thought it was highly inappropriate considering she gave her friend permission to have sex with you without your consent while you where drunk and that she recorded such a vile act taking place to her supposed friend at the time.

Flossiesmummy Tue 08-Mar-16 11:58:56


They were both complicit in your rape.

GigiB Tue 08-Mar-16 11:59:36

Is your mum normally unreasonable?

She must realise you were raped?

AryaOfWinterfell Tue 08-Mar-16 12:02:14

Delphi, none of this is your fault flowers
I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Not only was your best friend an accomplice to your rape, after bravely telling your Mum she then dismisses it.
I was raped by someone me & my family trusted, but the difference is my parents have vowed to kill the man should they ever set eyes on him.
What is your relationship with your Mum like? Is she generally supportive? If she is then does she actually understand that it was not a ONS, but rape?
Do you have anyone else in RL to talk this through with?
I'm sorry Delphi, I am not sure what to say apart from to reiterate that none of this is in any way shape or form your fault.

SaucyJack Tue 08-Mar-16 12:02:31

It's possible your mum has had her own experiences that would cause her to want to minimise acquaintance rape or child sex abuse.

But regardless. You were raped, and not only did that person not stop it- she actually encouraged and filmed it.

I'm glad you're in a place now where you would want nothing to do with such hideous specimens. I'm sorry about your mum.

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