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to have just sent DD to school in tears?

(98 Posts)
lucyloveslemonade Tue 08-Mar-16 09:27:11

DD (8) has form for wanting anything her little sister has got and claiming everything is hers and not to be touched - even if she isn't using it and has no plans to. This morning, she noticed her 4 yo sister had some small toy figures to play with. They received a pack of 20 each at Christmas and they are stored together because they have universal accessories also in the box. 8 yo hasn't played with these figures since Christmas day despite them being stored in plain sight in her room.

When she saw 4 yo had them, she demanded the entire box so she could remove her ones. The box was out of reach because their baby sister was in the room too. This was about 5 mins before we needed to leave for school so I said that she can't take them to school but could play with them when she comes home. She said she didn't want to take them to school, just store them in her room [unspoken: so her sister can't play with them after nursery] and I said they're fine when they are.

She continued to try and sneak and reach the box and so I said if she ignored me, she wouldn't be able to play with them after school either. She still tried to get it when my back was turned, then was unkind to her sister. She ignored me the entire way to taking 4 yo to nursery and I then asked why she was grumpy and if she wanted to talk and sort it out rather than just ignore me. She just shrugged repeatedly to anything else I said during the 20 min walk to school.

When we arrived at school I passed her her bags and said 'bye then, have a good day' and she burst into tears. Her teacher came over to see what was wrong and I explained DD had decided to ignore me and was possibly regretting it now it was time to leave. She took a tear strewn DD in, obviously leaving me feeling guilty, but I don't think I treated her badly? DH would've pandered to her on the way to end the ignoring but she needs to learn that isn't the way to treat people, IMO.

Crabbitface Tue 08-Mar-16 09:34:05

I'd have done the same as you. All perfectly reasonable. Have a wee chat when she gets back about her sharing issues though.

I think you handled it well. She was probably waiting for you to relent on the way and when you said bye it became clear that you weren't going to back down.

Paddypaws3 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:38:07

I'd have done the same. I'd chat once she gets home when she's calmed down.

FigMango1 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:38:50

Yanbu, you did fine. I think she needs to realize that she won't get her way and if she continues to be stubborn then she's the one ends up crying. Chat to her about not being selfish and sharing when she gets home.!

mummy2twobabies Tue 08-Mar-16 09:39:58

I have a similar problem with my 9 year old dd. I think you did the right thing not that it will make you feel any better.

FranHastings Tue 08-Mar-16 09:40:35

I have the same possession and control issues with my two and I think you handled it very well.

ASAS Tue 08-Mar-16 09:41:01

Jeezo you have 3 and your this calm pre, mid and post drop offs. Well done that woman!

bigmouthstrikesagain Tue 08-Mar-16 09:41:50

Nope - you did the right thing. Not the easy thing but your dd will understand she overstepped a very clear boundary and she will have time to reflect on that today. Hopefully she will apologise when you pick her up. Don't feel bad.

I had to send dd2 in tears but she was just sad and a bit overtired so I do feel for her but the class teacher took her under her wing and dd will cheer up in class. DD2 has form for tearful farewells and she has huge sad kitten eyes, which adds to the melancholy - I have had to harden my resolve over the years (she is 7 now).

MartinaJ Tue 08-Mar-16 09:42:52

It's about setting boundaries. You've done the right thing by showing her she can't have everything. She definitely won't spend the day crying.

VagueIdeas Tue 08-Mar-16 09:43:27

Totally fine!

BarbarianMum Tue 08-Mar-16 09:43:35

I think you were fine to say she didn't have time to rearrange things before school. I also think itwould be wise to allow her to keep her own things as 'hers' in her room if she wants to (even if the reason she wants to is to stop her dsis from having them. Whilst I strongly encourage sharing I don't think forcing it is a good idea, esp if her younger sister has her own set (in this case).

BarbarianMum Tue 08-Mar-16 09:44:38

Gosh, that was a bit iliterate, sorry. Please add another ) after "them" blush

harryhausen Tue 08-Mar-16 09:45:27

You were right. My ds8 is so similar to this but it's against his older sister. He's like a little terrier. He was worse at 7 and has eased off recently and become a bit easier now he's heading towards 9.
He's had me in tears before now and me stamping my feet having my own tantrum. It's exhausting but keep going smilethanks

mogloveseggs Tue 08-Mar-16 09:47:08

I think you did right.

RudeElf Tue 08-Mar-16 09:47:54

Please wise one! Teach me how you stay so calm of a morning! shock there is no way i would have patience for that before school.

VagueIdeas Tue 08-Mar-16 09:48:54

Of course it's fine for OP's DD to want her things in her room, but it seemed pretty clear in this case that they weren't treasured toys, they were untouched since Xmas and she only wanted to hide them in her bedroom to stop her little sister from playing with them. I don't think that sort of mean spiritedness should be encouraged.

I can also see my (mega controlling) DD behaving very much like this when her baby brother gets older confused

shinynewusername Tue 08-Mar-16 09:51:11

I know sibling rivalry does your head in, but don't forget positive reinforcement and attention every time DD1 is nice to DD2, OP. It is easy to forget because - most of the time - it doesn't actually mean being particularly nice, it's just not tearing each other limb from limb smile But the fiercest competition is always for parental attention, so if they get loads of that for being less evil nice, they are more likely to tone down the rivalry.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Tue 08-Mar-16 09:51:21

I've had similar issues with mine and last year had a couple of times when dd1 (then 9) went in upset because she had behaved badly, I hadn't backed down and had matter of factly said goodbye, and then she felt a bit guilty about her behaviour.
It's a really horrible feeling when they go in upset but I'm sure she will be absolutely fine and quite happy when she comes out.
Mine would always rather not discuss it later however so would be extra nice when she got back!
I think you did really well-just have the chat with her later and hopefully she will respond well.

lucyloveslemonade Tue 08-Mar-16 09:51:40

Yes, it was completely just to prevent her sister enjoying them rather than to enjoy them herself which I see as mean behaviour.

SoupDragon Tue 08-Mar-16 09:54:48

Echoing the others: you played it perfectly.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 08-Mar-16 09:54:53

I am so pleased it not just mine that do this! funny little beans are they not|? yanbu

HeffalumpHistory Tue 08-Mar-16 09:55:06

I'd have done the same with much less patience
They know how to make you feel crap though! Buggers sometimes! wink

BarbarianMum Tue 08-Mar-16 09:56:16

Yes, of course it's mean but making her share something her sister has lots of anyway just adds resentful to the mix and rather than taking mean away. And it is OK to want to keep ones own things increasingly to oneself as one gets older, it's part of growing up.

AnnaMarlowe Tue 08-Mar-16 09:57:36

You did the right thing. I wouldn't have felt guilt either <hard>.

She misbehaved, she takes the consequences.

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