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to think OH shouldn't go to football

(61 Posts)
newmumwithquestions Sun 06-Mar-16 22:22:36

We have a 3 mo and an 18 mo.

OH works full time. He goes into work early/stays late so he can go to the gym near work about 3 times a week. I don't mind that.

Every Sunday evening he plays football. He really enjoys it.
I have a 50/50 chance that during this time I tear my hair out with screaming baby/toddler/both. Hes only out for 90 mins but it's exactly at the time we normally eat and is meltdown o'clock.

Today I didn't eat an evening meal. I'm bf so permanently hungry (and grumpy when hungry😄). Dinner was prepped (by OH) but I had to try to calm a melted down baby by holding/walking around whilst feeding a toddler at the same time. Once 18mo was fed it's bathtime then I bf the 3mo for a long feed pre-bed by which point it was too late to eat.

If this happens on other evenings there are 2 of us we pass the 3mo between us taking turns to serve up, eat etc.

We could change the routine so that everyone eats earlier which would then fit in with football, but can't because during the week OH gets in late from work (because of going to the gym) and 18mo needs reasonably consistent teatime/bedtime.

To be fair OH usually pulls his weight with doing stuff to help with the kids/round the house.
AIBU to think he shouldn't go to football?? Or at least not on the days when 3mo has had a short nap so is going to kick off??

DoreenLethal Sun 06-Mar-16 22:26:30

Can i just ask, does he have both of them on his own for evenings and mealtimes? Does he know how stressful it is on your own?

emsyj Sun 06-Mar-16 22:28:23

I think it's a bit much to ask him to stop doing something he enjoys when it's only 90 mins once a week. It's perfectly fine to feed the kids or your DH separately sometimes, if it facilitates the routine. Family mealtimes are nice, but occasionally some other stuff may have to take priority.

Do you ever get time to yourself? I know that can be difficult with a bf baby (2 bottle refusers here). It sounds like you need your own 'football' or weekly break, and you need to make sure you eat, even if you have a ready meal eaten with one hand on the one evening a week that your DH is out. Perhaps he could cook dinner before he leaves and then you can heat up your portion when you can? Maybe I am excessively greedy, but I don't recall ever totally missing a meal even in the worst throes of demanding baby plus toddler blush.

dementedpixie Sun 06-Mar-16 22:31:24

Can you not just have a different weekend routine? Have your main meal at lunchtime rather than in the evening

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 06-Mar-16 22:33:09

Can you feed the kids together early just on Sunday? If it's the exact time you'd usually feed, it wouldn't be too much of a change. Then everyone is fed. You don't want routines that aren't adaptable at all, it makes a rod for your own back!

Also, I hope you get an evening off too.

And go eat!

MrsWigster1991 Sun 06-Mar-16 22:33:28

Yabu (a tiny bit)
Both of you need to be able to have some down time. You could tweak their routine on a Sunday to make life a little easier. My OH works full time and I know how stressful it can be with two kids (9 month old is teething and loves to scream and nip). After work one night could you not say right it's your turn to get the kids fed and bathed? Then he gets his Sunday football and a new appreciation of how hard it can be?

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sun 06-Mar-16 22:34:32

emsy he goes to the gym three nights a week too - so he's getting plenty of time. Something has to give, and it's got to be either the gym sessions or the football.

newmumwithquestions Sun 06-Mar-16 22:35:36

No, he's never had them both at a mealtime. A week ago he'd never had them both at the same time at all. I went out without them for the first time this week (twice, 1.5 hours each time to go swimming), and I intend to keep doing so, but I wouldn't go out and leave him with a tired screaming baby and hungry toddler.

RealityCheque Sun 06-Mar-16 22:38:12

Yabu (a huge massive bit)

You really need to get over yourself here. You say yourself that he is normally good with the kids. And that he works long hours so a couple of hours sport on a Sunday is hardly taking the piss is it?

Make sure you take an evening off too (even if it's a few hours pampering in the bath / Netflix etx), though and all should be good.

newmumwithquestions Sun 06-Mar-16 22:38:13

Oops sorry crossed post - that was the reply to Doreen!

PaulAnkaTheDog Sun 06-Mar-16 22:41:16

Yabu. Sorry.

emsyj Sun 06-Mar-16 22:44:49

The OP said she's fine with him going to the gym. If she actually means, 'going to the gym AND football is too much', she ought to say so. Is that what you really mean OP? Would you prefer it if he gave up a gym session in return for keeping the football?

My DH is on the local RNLI crew. He is there all the fecking time, plus his pager can go off any minute and off he goes and I don't know when he will be back. However, this means I have pretty much free rein to go out whenever I like and DH has no room to complain! grin

It is different when you have a bf baby though - it does massively restrict your freedom for a while. It is hard OP, but it's not for ever. I remember feeling enormously stressed, exhausted and resentful when my DDs were little babies and I couldn't just fuck off out and shut the door. I so desperately wanted a break. It is very hard being alone with small children, even if only for a short while.

FigMango1 Sun 06-Mar-16 23:35:18

The easiest solution is to change the mealtimes over weekends. Surely that is easy enough to do? Why is the mealtimes so strict? It's only 90 minutes so I wouldn't make him change that. Try eating before he leaves and can help with the babies or at least one so it isn't a hassle for you.

Yambabe Sun 06-Mar-16 23:39:09

Why was it too late to eat once the kids were finally settled?

If you were still hungry, eat ffs.

TurnOffTheTv Sun 06-Mar-16 23:56:39

Why didn't you eat?

SolidGoldBrass Sun 06-Mar-16 23:56:58

This man needs a good kick in the cock. He is swanning off to pursue his hobbies four evenings a week while the OP is dealing with a baby and a toddler: she is not his servant or his childminder and he needs to do his share.

whatdoIget Mon 07-Mar-16 00:03:01

To be fair, he should cut his exercise sessions down to 3 times a week, and the op should increase hers from 2 to 3 times per week smile

MrsWigster1991 Mon 07-Mar-16 00:09:13

newmumwithquestions have you actually told him how you feel? Does he know and still go anyway?
When I first had my second I had to explain bluntly that I was exhausted and needed more help and sleep. My OH then gave me the support I needed. He would not have understood otherwise.

araiba Mon 07-Mar-16 03:04:44

she is not his servant or his childminder and he needs to do his share.

op has stated that he does do his share

DesertOrDessert Mon 07-Mar-16 05:01:56

I think if DH is out in the evening for over half the week, you are not completely unreasonable to be miffed about it.
Have you asked DH to drop one activity?

If your after suggestions to make Sunday evenings easier, I'd suggest:
*big lunch, snacky tea, which toddler can eat with minimal help
*You must eat at some point. When did DH eat? Why not eat with him?
*toddler doesn't need a bath - or can have one with Daddy earlier in the day
* (MN cliche warning) have you tried baby in a sling? would give you some extra arms to deal with food or toddler

Runningupthathill82 Mon 07-Mar-16 05:30:15

Sorry, YABU. It's only 90 mins, and there's no reason why you couldn't have either waited til he was back to eat, or heated up the meal he'd prepped while you were feeding the baby.

The key, though, is equal time. He's out four nights a week to exercise? Fine, you take the other three. Even if you can't actually go far due to bfing, you could feed the baby - or express - and then have a run round the block/an hour in the gym/a long bath - even just a rest upstairs with a good book while he handles the toddler's dinner, bath and bed.

Then set your own mealtimes to later on, once the toddler's asleep. That's what we do - our DC are newborn and 3, and both DH and I need at least an hour's exercise a day. We just split the time evenly and make it work.

I think the problem here is not the football, but the imbalance in responsibilities? It's not fair to make him give up something he loves because a 3-m-o might get grouchy, sorry.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 07-Mar-16 05:58:28

Yabu.

Playing in a team is a huge thing and asking him to stop isn't on IMO.

Change the Sunday meal routine. Ask him to stop one of the gym sessions.

KenDoddsDadsDog Mon 07-Mar-16 06:08:51

Look forward a little , it won't always be like this . You will stop BF , the bedtimes will calm down. Change the Sunday routine , keep swimming !
I would ask him to change a gym session not the football on a temp basis .

bimandbam Mon 07-Mar-16 06:09:28

If the football is non negotiable you need a new Sunday routine. Give toddler tea early, bath and get into pjs. They can always have a second tea of some toast or something else non messy at the usual teatime.

Then make sure you both get equal leisure.time off. It will get easier. You know this but it's relentless and horrendous as you live it day to bastarding day and you will no doubt want to slap every poster who reminds you of this!

Fiona80 Mon 07-Mar-16 06:10:02

YABU. You said he does his fair share and he did cook the dinner.

I know how you feel, with 2 dc with the exact same age gap and dd who is 4.

My dh works evenings/ nights and I found the evenings the worst time as kids get tired and exhausted and I was the same. But I managed, I had to. I used to have toddler in the highchair and baby in either the swing or carseat at mealtimes or feeding on me. I just got used to it, I had to. To this day, I still eat when they are in bed asleep as I like to eat in peace and enjoy my food, but if I'm really hungry I do eat on the go as I'm still BF ing.
They are now 20 months, 3 and 5.

I was tempted to get a sling for the baby but didn't want her to be reliant on constantly picking her up. So the baby swing was a lifesaver for me. Not so much a swing it goes side to side.

You seem to be getting a bit of time to yourself with the swimming and u said he does his fair share. Don't be so rigid with routine it can sometimes be more bother than its worth. If kids are playing up when he is about to go out then he shouldn't go.

And remember its never to late to eat you need to eat to keep up your energy.

I would tell you it gets easier but I find an active toddler harder to look after than a baby.

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