DH has been an arse but I may have overreacted...AIBU or not?

[everybodysang]

I have been away with DD (5) for the weekend. Nowhere terribly exciting, just staying near some friends whose DD was having a birthday party and then we did a few nice things around the place. We had a lovely time.

DH wasn't with us as DSD and DSS were at ours for the weekend. All fine there.

Got home, after DD's bedtime but she really wanted to play a short game with both DH and I before bed, we agreed, he went off to "check on something" and came back 10 minutes later off his face. He'd obviously gone out to smoke a
joint, and he was really, really out of it. I told him it was obvious what was going on and he said he'd better go and lie down. I did shout at him - said he was pathetic.

Put DD to bed and then an hour later he came down, said I was overreacting and that I knew when we got together that he smoked cannabis sometimes.

To put it all into context he does smoke very rarely these days. But a while ago he got into the habit of smoking cannabis substitute he buys online - and I absolutely detest that. It seems so stupid and dangerous to just smoke whatever crap you've bought online.

He says it was cannabis tonight and that it was a bit stronger than he expected. I said I didn't really believe him, but it COULD be true.

I am not really bothered if he has the odd joint, really. I AM bothered that he hadn't seen DD all weekend and then went straight off for a smoke and was then too wasted to play her little game. I don't want her to see him like that. I don't want her to think that's ok. And if it IS synthetic crap he's bought online then I am very bothered about that as he could do himself real harm for such a stupid reason.

The AIBU bit is that I really yelled at him once she was in bed and he came back down. I said I hated him and he'd ruined the weekend for me and I wished I had never met him. Now I am in bed alone and he is in the spare room.

The thing is - I do hate him right now. I am so angry and upset. Is it an overreaction?

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

No, it isn't. FFS, I grew out of smoking joints befire my final year at university. It's a waste of family money, presumably less than legal, dangerous (as you point out) and a terrible example to your daughter as well as rendering him incapable of parenting.

It really is OK for you not to be OK with this.

[HeddaGarbled]

No, not an over reaction at all.

Regardless of your views on what he's smoking, the fact that he postponed playing a game with his daughter who he hadn't seen all weekend in order to have his smoke and thought it was acceptable to have a smoke of anything before settling down to play a game with a 5 year old, suggests addictive behaviour.

As you so rightly identify, there is a massive difference between smoking cannabis "sometimes" and not being able to get through an evening without it.

[noddingoff]

YANBU. I would've gone through him for a shortcut.

[AnyFucker]

I would say you have under reacted

I wouldn't have any man around my kids off their face on drugs. They would do it once only.

[LeanneBattersby]

There is no way I'd have people living in my house with my children who were regularly smoking cannabis. It normalises it.

Is your DD his and how long have you been together? If you met him pre-DD then he must understand that what was acceptable to you then will not be acceptable once you've had children?

I know there are people who don't think cannabis causes any issues. I've watched my brother going from the life and soul to a depressed, reclusive mess through five years of using cannabis. I'm sure there are other factors at play but there's no doubt the cannabis is the major one.

[icelollycraving]

Frankly it all sounds grim. Yanbu.

[everybodysang]

Yes, DD is his and we have been together for 9 years.

Thing is I genuinely don't mind if he has a smoke every now and again - it was, as someone said, that he had to go and do it before settling down for a game with a 5 year old that was so upsetting.

Before everyone gets all LTB I do feel I should say that it's a genuinely very rare thing these days. And he is a very, very good father and husband in almost all other respects and he has had a really rather stressful week.

But I am really sad that I am the one who is being made to seem unreasonable. I actually don't know what to do.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

If anything you under reacted by only sending him to the spare room. I'd have kicked his sorry arse out. Not at all acceptable to behave like that around small children. Pathetic would have been the nicer of the words I'd have used.

What an utter wanker. LTB.

[starry0ne]

My guess would be without you been there all week he has smoked a lot.. Despite DSC been there.. I have been in your situation..

[TimeToMuskUp]

I think it would be bad enough if he'd gone outside to smoke a joint and you were hitting the ceiling. It's worse somehow that you're justifying it, making out that it's ok because he's had a stressful week. Does that make it fine? I'm not sure it does, nor that I'd be willing to tolerate such selfish, awful behaviour.

[ImperialBlether]

A stressful week? It's Sunday night!

[Costacoffeeplease]

Definitely under-reacting - you've been away for the weekend and the first thing he does when you get back is smoke a joint? Jeez

[DoMeDon]

Yanbu
No overraction, he acted poorly. You don't want any of the dc growing up seeing this. He needs to mature about how he handles stress.

[Alexa444]

YANBU! I would do my nut! In front of his kids? Seriously?! LTB

[everybodysang]

I won't be leaving him, no; he genuinely is great in pretty much every other way but this is definitely shit and needs to be addressed. I am too angry to do it now (plus, I think he's asleep, it's very quiet!) and I am at work all day tomorrow and at a work event in the evening so won't see him until Tuesday evening, really. So I do have time to think about what to do and how to approach it.

I know he wasn't stoned during the day today as he had to do some work this morning and then drive to drop off DSCs and he wouldn't smoke then drive, he's not THAT daft.

He probably did have a smoke last night if he has some; but DSCs are older teenagers and very likely would have been in their rooms or just watching a movie with him so I can't get terribly worked up about that.

He's not a stoner layabout or anything, he's a highly educated professional - proper middle class cannabis-smoking cliche.

Urgh. I'm so bloody cross.

[AdriftOnMemoryBliss]

Not over reacting.

Whatever your feelings on the drugs, there was no reason the joint couldn't wait until AFTER your DD had gone to bed... he should have played with her.

His priorities are totally screwed.

[everybodysang]

ImperialBlether - a good point but he worked 6 days this week and had to do some more this morning before the kids got up, we both work slightly odd hours.

[Jw35]

Not over reacting. I personally wouldn't like my dp smoking dope but if your ok with it occasionally then fine. Not around children though. Yanbu

[Charley50]

Some people drink to relax, some people smoke weed, some people do neither. He was a bit of a dick but it's hardly a LTB situation.
Buying a bottle of wine is also using 'family money' on stuff that doesn't benefit the kids.
(FYI I don't smoke weed and have seen the heartbreaking effects when it leads to psychosis; have also seen lives ruined by alcohol).

[everybodysang]

Mind you I think I am so confused by the unanimous YANBU that I am trying to convince myself I am!

Seriously though, I am not going to leave him... but how to address it? He definitely thinks I am the one in the wrong.

[DiscoGlitter]

There's no way I'd put up with anyone doing cannabis around my kids, not a chance.
Any good father would have ditched that years ago before the children came along.

[everybodysang]

Aaaah cross posted with the first non-unanimous opinion, that'll learn me.

He did actually say "I wouldn't be angry if you had a glass of wine" which would been an OK argument if he hadn't been SO stoned.

[sianihedgehog]

I'm not bothered by occasional drug use, but I still think YANBU. It's not the joint, it's putting off playing with the daughter he hasn't seen all weekend when she is excited to see daddy because he can't wait a bloody half an hour, and ending up too wasted to play with her. She must have felt crushed. :( That's the issue, hurting a little girl's feelings.