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To want to reward this behaviour?

(20 Posts)
Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:17:29

My (just) four year old is a really sweet, considerate child who always wants to help and please. She has recently started tidying her own room, without being asked. She will organise books, make her bed, pick up any toys etc. She's really proud of what's she's done and beams with pride when we thank/ hug her.

I feel that she deserves more recognition for this (pocket money - too early (?), trip to the park, treat or little toy), my DH on the other hand thinks that as it's her room this should be a basic expectation and other than a thank you, she doesn't need further reward. He's concerned about her becoming expectant of rewards.

MN jury - who is right, AND, is four too young for pocket money (obviously we pay into her savings every month but I've never explained this to her).

mycatsloveeachother Sun 06-Mar-16 21:20:19

I agree with you - praise the behaviour you want. But I think verbal recognition is better than treats personally.

Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:21:37

She does seem very happy with the praise and in itself, has encouraged her to keep doing it.

MammaTJ Sun 06-Mar-16 21:25:07

Attention and acknowledgement are what they want/need at this age, so carry on giving that!

I refuse to reward payment for keeping my DCs own space tidy, it is just expected/hoped for/dreamed about.

They get payments for extras, but they are not necessarily monetary, it might be 'if you do the dishes, you can have half an hour on your tablet'.

I don't get paid for all I do around the house, I do not want to teach my DCs they should be either!

Ameliablue Sun 06-Mar-16 21:25:14

I wouldn't give pocket money for doing her room but I would give praise and maybe have a treat for general good behaviour, letting her know what she has done well but don't make it just about a tidy room.

ThatAnneGirl Sun 06-Mar-16 21:26:30

I think your DH is right.

It's a thing that you teach them to do. A life lesson. I love Coetzee my dc's to put their shoes in the cupboard p, their toothbrushes in the cup, brush their own hair, put their pj's under the pillow. That sort of thing as otherwise I am making it difficult for us and them later on. I had a housemate at university who couldn't do the most basic of tasks.

Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:27:51

Oh, OK. That makes sense. Perhaps my DH is being reasonable after all grin

leelu66 Sun 06-Mar-16 21:29:13

She sounds lovely smile

ThatAnneGirl Sun 06-Mar-16 21:30:47

* I expect not Coetzee! I don't know what Coetzee is!

ollieplimsoles Sun 06-Mar-16 21:35:32

What a sweet little dd you have! I'm going against the grain and saying i would reward this behaviour with a small amount of money, I would buy her a piggy bank and encourage her to watch the pennies mount up.

I think she is going the extra mile to tidy up and I would want to teach her that effort= gain, its only small thing for now, but it might grow into something bigger when she gets older, she might want to offer to mow people's gardens or something for a small fee on a Saturday to save up for something she wants.

But I love the idea of enterprising kids!

Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:36:31

Lee, she really is, she's just got a lovely temperament which is also why I don't want to take advantage of her good nature and not reward her. I have this awful feeling that her good nature will be taken advantage of as she gets older.

Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:37:55

Ooh, Ollie!! Thank you. I might just show my DH your response smile

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 06-Mar-16 21:38:12

Doing chores is the price of admission in this house. There is pocket money but not linked to chores. Because I think that encourages; external validation; asking for things to do things.

I find a "I see you cleaned up, thank you" works just as well as anything. I also ask her if she is proud of herself rather than telling her I'm proud.

AnotherTimeMaybe Sun 06-Mar-16 21:47:58

I wouldn't reward either. To me it seems the same as giving a chocolate to a child to say well done for eating their dinner. They ll end up suspicious around food or cleaning or doing the right thing etc
Yes I do agree she sounds really sweet!

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 06-Mar-16 21:55:07

I don't want to take advantage of her good nature and not reward her. I just spotted that. Why do you think that clearing up after herself is something you could take advantage of? It really is a basic life skill. DD likes to prep her lunch and mop up. It makes her feel grown up. And proud.

On the issue of pocket money. I have given DD pocket money for as long as she could reliably not eat it. grin Teaches saving, prioritizing, maths skills. DD (5) is currently saving for a crappy toy that I think is overpriced. But I don't care because it's her money!

Finallyonboard Sun 06-Mar-16 21:58:27

Ha! Mrs P, sorry. I didn't mean that not giving her anything is taking advantage, I just meant, I didn't ever accidentally want to take advantage of her because I can. Not specifically in relation to this topic grin

ollieplimsoles Sun 06-Mar-16 21:58:42

I see what your saying AnotherTimeMaybe rewarding for the smaller things does have its down sides.

I just think you could give her a little for cleaning and tidying her room, then extend the amount of jobs she has to do to get money to save.

My mum would expect us to do certain jobs but there were always additional extras which we would get a little bit of money for. We had the choice then, do the job and be closer to buying the toy we wanted, or shirk it and have to wait longer for what we wanted. It wasn't long before me and my sister were doing all sorts of extras around the house, from changing light bulbs to cooking meals. It helped our confidence and gave us some responsibility.

Fatmomma99 Sun 06-Mar-16 23:43:06

I think you're under-rating the joy of having her parents praising and thanking her and saying how great she is. Don't dismiss the value of that.

However, a lovely treat-y day out (whether that is to a theme park or a trip to your local coffee shop for a hot chocolate) with the reason being that she is SO fab would be lovely for her too.

I understand your anxiety, but make it clear to her that you'll love her even if she isn't perfect,and remind her she doesn't have to be. Give her permission to fail!

And, btw - lucky you!

anastaisia Mon 07-Mar-16 00:32:36

I wouldn't introduce money for it, but I would say things like 'wow, because you've done so much tidying up we have some extra free time. Let's do something fun together/go someplace exciting/have some other bonding sort of treat' and directly link doing extra things together to the behaviour.

BertieBotts Mon 07-Mar-16 01:23:48

This is a bit wanky, but I did read this article recently which is along the lines of what your DH is thinking and it made sense to me.

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/02/perils-of-sticker-charts/470160/?utm_source=SFFB

I think it's great that you're acknowledging what she's done verbally and I don't think it needs a reward more than that - I feel like it can be counter productive to suddenly start adding tangible things. But then again perhaps it depends what you want to teach? Do you want her to do the right thing because it's right and not be bothered by repayment? That's what appeals to me but maybe it's not the same for everyone. Like Ollie talks about an enterprising spirit - maybe the idea that she should seek some reward for her hard work IS something that you want to encourage. It's a case of values and what is more valuable to you as parents I suppose. For me altruism wins but I'm a big old softy that way.

I love the idea of generally doing something nice with her/for her and not expressly linking it to the behaviour. Just naturally letting the love and pride you feel for her reflect back into your treatment of her.

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