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... to not leave my husband?

(158 Posts)
welcometouniversallychallenged Sun 06-Mar-16 17:41:27

On Friday night I found out that my husband has been cheating on me.

He had dropped his old phone in the bathroom. Normally if I saw his phone lying around I'd ignore it (I would never consider snooping, and I thought we had a very open, trusting relationship), but it was his old phone (he had a new one in November last year), so I was surprised to see it at all, and when I picked it up the screen flashed on, showing his texts. Again, this was surprising as the top one showed he'd been texting this week, despite him telling me he had cancelled his contract. I opened them and saw that he was having an extremely elicit conversation with someone called 'Ems', in which he was saying things like he wanted to be with her, and how sexy she is etc.

When I came out of the bathroom I handed him his phone and let him know what I'd seen. It was bedtime, and told him he could sleep on the sofa. He followed me into the bedroom crying and pleading with me to listen to him, that he wanted to talk to me about it, that he was so sorry... I told him I was exhausted and didn't want to talk about it until I'd had some sleep.

We have a two week old baby and a two and half year old toddler.
Because we've just had a baby, this weekend has been manic with people coming to see us/ visiting family/ church etc, so we still haven't talked about it.

I'm heartbroken, completely devastated. But we now have two children together, we've been married seven years, we have just put our house on the market and are looking at buying our dream family house. Two days later, after not talking about it, I'm wondering if I'm ridiculous to consider letting it go and staying with him. He is such an amazing father, and the idea of our family being broken up is almost unbearable.

I should mention that when I was pregnant with our oldest, he did a similar thing - he joined a dating site and started messaging a woman. His brother found out and gave him a good talking to, which seemed to sort him out til now. It's a worrying pattern of behaviour, but AIBU to stay despite it?

madmother1 Sun 06-Mar-16 17:46:05

Cheating destroys marriages. I couldn't forgive and indeed I stayed with my husband and forgave him when he cheated on me when I was pregnant. It didn't last. 30 years on and it still hurts. Sorry, but only you can answer that question.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Mar-16 17:46:12

It's your life.

Not one I would choose.

Is there a reason you haven't posted this in the Relationships section ?

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sun 06-Mar-16 17:47:07

tbh yes as he obviously hasnt changed and wont. I couldnt trade my dignity for the perfect life, because then it wouldnt be perfect.

Do want this to your life from now on?

MaidOfStars Sun 06-Mar-16 17:47:50

Not that it should make a difference but in the real world, it does, is he getting cheap thrills from anonymous women or is he shagging around?

IMO, once might be forgiveable, but twice? Is he so fucked off about you growing your children with your miraculous life-giving body that he needs to get his kicks elsewhere?

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

You know he'll do it again.

Guitargirl Sun 06-Mar-16 17:48:02

Only you can decide if this is behaviour you are willing to live with.

It would be a deal breaker for me and I expect many other women - and would have been the first time.

Please don't kid yourself that he is an amazing father. A man with children that young and who still has the energy and headspace to invest in an affair is not an amazing father.

Be kind to yourself OP. The world is full of shitty people and shitty behaviour. You don't need it so close to home.

RubbleBubble00 Sun 06-Mar-16 17:49:05

If you want this marriage to work. I'd be insisting on him sleeping in the spare room and marriage counselling Immediatley as conditions of not kicking him out of the house. I would recommend attending relate yourself right now - they were brilliant at helping me work out what I wanted and did I want to stay in my marriage.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Mar-16 17:49:37

This is her life. Living with a serial cheat.

I hope he wasn't stupid enough to risk your babies health by not using barrier methods with the OW.

MaidOfStars Sun 06-Mar-16 17:50:07

(Forgiveable if it's cheap thrill messages, not if it's sex)

Genx77 Sun 06-Mar-16 17:50:49

You're a fool and a mug. This man man will continue to cheat on you, lie and hurt you. You will teach your children that this is what a marriage is, this is how they can expect to treated by their spouse.
He doesn't love you, he has no respect for you, it's not the first time he's done this and it won't be the last because you just take it and let him do whatever he wants with no consequences. You'll bd posting about this douchebag on average once a year. Good luck with that.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 06-Mar-16 17:51:02


You know you're giving him the green light to fuck whoever he likes now...

YoungGirlGrowingOld Sun 06-Mar-16 17:51:16

I might forgive once (in fact I have) but twice sounds like it's an attitude/behaviour of your DH rather than a one-off situation. Impossible to fix, if so. A leopard doesn't change his spots.

Sorry that you are going through this.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 06-Mar-16 17:51:22

Surely it depends on whether he's actually had an affair with 'Ems'and others ?

I appreciate you're fucking knackered but if you let this go without kicking him metaphorically round the block then surely he will just keep cheating?

I would expect him home every minute he's not at work for months to pull his weight in the family - that will leave no time for fucking Ems. (Unless she's at work and he's doing her in the loo?) - these are things you need to know.

And he's a fucking arsehole doing this with a little baby around

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sun 06-Mar-16 17:52:15

What are your terms OP?
He stops you stay?
Or he gets to keeps Ems and whoever else and you just pretend it isn't happening?

I can totally see why you just want to erase it from your mind and pretend he is the person you thought he was. I am just nit sure its possible.

But whatever happend, make it your choice not his.

Congratulations on the new baby.

KnockMeDown Sun 06-Mar-16 17:52:39

I believe in giving people a second chance, but he has used his up. He's crying because he has been discovered, not because he is sorry. If he was sorry, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 06-Mar-16 17:54:35

If the idea of sharing your husband doesn't bother you, then of course YANBU. Whether you feel like it now or not, would he oblige you the same blind eye if you carried on with someone else?

Pinkheart5915 Sun 06-Mar-16 17:55:59

It really is your choice to make, but do think very carefully. His cheated in the past and now done it again, so will he really ever stop hurting you?

I like to think I would end my marriage if my husband cheated because I wouldn't trust him after that, at the end of the day if he had no respect for our life together I would deserve better.

welcometouniversallychallenged Sun 06-Mar-16 17:58:37

Thank you for your replies - this is genuinely helpful!

To answer some questions:

I didn't post in relationships because I hardly ever use mums net (a bit of a lurker) and this is the only section I've ever been in blush

I'm quite sure it's cheap thrills from anonymous women. I also don't think he's ever met the woman he's texting, mainly because I can't see how or when he could have done that. He has no social life, and after I became pregnant took on the lion share of looking after our toddler, so takes him to nursery and picks him up every day. So I don't think he's actually physically cheated iykwim. Does that change things? I still feel betrayed.

An extra piece of info: during the pregnancy I became quite depressed, and have been suffering from anxiety attacks for several months. I haven't been easy to live with for some time now, and I am aware of this! I know in a way I've pushed him away. I also know that this does not excuse his behaviour.

Ughnotagain Sun 06-Mar-16 17:58:56

If he's done it before, he'll probably do it again.

I don't think I could stay with a man who showed me (and our relationship) so little respect. But nobody can tell you what to do.

Katenka Sun 06-Mar-16 17:59:14

Honestly OP, since this is second time (both when you were having a baby) I wouldn't.

That said he would have gone the first time.

But it's your life and your decision. If you do stay together, what happens if you get pregnant again? Spend it being scared he will cheat again?

He has lied to you for months. While pregnant, he kept that phone for a reason. This isn't a drunken shag . This has been months of lies.

How do you fix that?

Clarissa69 Sun 06-Mar-16 18:00:23

You and your children deserve better than this. You need to kick this narcissist out.

Katenka Sun 06-Mar-16 18:01:02

during the pregnancy I became quite depressed, and have been suffering from anxiety attacks for several months. I haven't been easy to live with for some time now, and I am aware of this! I know in a way I've pushed him away. I also know that this does not excuse his behaviour.

It doesn't excuse it all. Not even a bit. This is not your fault.

He really kept a second phone contract just to text anonymous women? Do you really believe that?

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 06-Mar-16 18:02:00

Your life right now is hectic and I don't blame you for not wanting to make any decisions right now.
Take the house off the market and postpone the new build.

You may find that right now you want to cling to some degree of normality in the chaos. Later on down the line the bitterness, resentment and anger will rise, don't fool yourself that it won't.

If you do decide to stay bear in mind there will be other affairs. Last time it was messaging this time you suggest it had escalated. It is possible in the future he will leave for an OW and then change his mind and beg to come back. Can you handle being dropped like a hot potato every time family life becomes too hard for him?

Ask yourself once the dust has settled if you are happy to live like this and are happy to set this as the relationship model for your children.
If you do decide to stay and find the anger and sense of betrayal won't go away you can change your mind and end the relationship.

Nothing you do will change his behaviour.

welcometouniversallychallenged Sun 06-Mar-16 18:03:39

Oh sorry - I wasn't clear about that at all - he would definitely be expected to stop and counselling would be an absolute must. He would have to earn my trust back before he'd be let back in my bedroom (and more importantly, my heart). There would be no way I'd allow his behaviour to continue, and certainly he'll be getting a bollocking when we do talk about it, I just didn't want to do that whilst extended family was around making a fuss of the kids.

PestilentialCat Sun 06-Mar-16 18:04:00

It's still cheating, physical or not. I actually think the deceit is worse than any sex that might have happened sad

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