To find mothers day a bit sad

[Kiddiewinks2008]

I see posts on facebook from friends about their mother who support them no matter what, who are their best friend and who are always there.

I dont feel this way about my mother- she is totally toxic. She has never been there for me, or been supportive, or said a nice thing to me. She makes me feel rubbish and a failure and makes it clear that nothing I do will ever be good enough. She rang me up this morning and had a go at me. She has made me feel shit my whole life.

Thankfully I have 2 lovely DCs and I will never make them feel like she does. But it makes me sad that I never had that relationship with my mother.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Oh god, I'm so glad you posted. My mother is an abusive, toxic, narcissistic bitch from hell and I fucking hate mothers day and I really want to say something publicly. You've just enabled me!
I too have a positive. I have four children, I don't set them up to fail, unlike my mother, I ensured the younger ones had enough money to get something, got big brother to help them. I've had a very nice day. Still overshadowed slightly by the old bag, but gets easier each year.
for you, I do know how you feel. I'm lucky, I cut contact years ago and haven't regretted it at all.

[Kiddiewinks2008]

to you too dawndonnaagain - and glad you have had a good day with your DCs too!

[Kiddiewinks2008]

and you dawnof

[Tantrictantrum]

My dsd's mother is similar. I'm sure she's enjoying mother's day alone as none of her dcs want to see her

[RubyRoseViolet]

My mil is pretty much like this (to my DW at least) so she would agree with you op. When I first met her she was so vile I literally couldn't believe it. I realised I'd been very naive to imagine all mums were kind, caring and supportive like my own. I feel for you. I'm glad you have your own lovely DC.

[RandomMess]

Yeah I'm very LC with my parents I hate all the gushing posts on FB etc. I have never had anyone there for me and I struggle to be a good enough Mum.

My DC have excelled themselves this year and put 0 effort into Mothers Day but I can't be bothered to be upset with them tbh!!!!!

[PunxutawneyPhil]

Ditto. I've been NC for 3 years but saw her recently, with a view to resuming contact and letting her see the dc before we move overseas. It's causing a lot of stress because having seen her and had a perfectly civil time, it still messed me up because she just hasn't changed. Everyone is expecting me to fall back into line and I just can't do it.

Had a bit of a cry this morning about it, which I haven't done for a long time.

[sadsister4]

Signing in.

Buying Mother's Day cards is a nightmare for me.

"You are always there for me" Nope.
"World's Greatest Mum" Er, no.
"Thank you for everything you do" Unless it's piss me off by saying hurtful things and putting everyone in front of me, that's a 'no' too.

Yet I turn up, year after year...

[mygrandchildrenrock]

It's awful having crap/toxic/evil/neglectful/disinterested mothers.
to everyone who does.

[BetweenTwoLungs]

My mum has an alcohol problem and has treated me very badly in the past. I can so relate to this post - today is a sad day for me. I have deleted my FB app for the day because I just get so jealous, and so sad. Plus I'm trying to go LC, I hate myself for still wishing I could fix things. I have been okay up until now but now I'm feeling very sad.

Dawnofthedoggers - not being sad about having my mum, but being sad about not having any mum is so true. I feel robbed. I know that's selfish to say.

[BetweenTwoLungs]

Buying a Mother's Day card is hell on earth. Never is it so apparent and raw.

[bakeoffcake]

I know what you mean. My M left when I was three, taking my sister and leaving my brother and I with my dad. A few years later that she wanted to be part of our lives again so we had to visit her but she was totally toxic and an alcoholic.

The fact you know you'd never treat your own DC the way your mother treated you, shows what an amazing mother you are. Keep going and although the sadness of not having a "proper" mother never leaves, as your DC grow into adults and still tell you what an amazing mum you are and that they love you, you know you've achieved a wonderful thing.

[beepbeep]

Another one here, hate buying mother's day cards as none of them say what I want them to - 'You're Shit'!! Feels v false sending flowers and cards.

Makes even harder by the fact that Mother's Day hasn't been mentioned in our house other than been handed cards after kids forgetting it was Mother's Day. DD6 didn't even give me her card as it was in her bag and she said she couldn't be bothered. They then went straight back to watching tv. Not been mentioned since.

On the other hand we took MIL lots of lovely gifts that I & my DH had put thought into. We then came home were I have spent the rest of the day on the sofa - the same place as I spend every other day due to having broken my ankle. Spent day feeling quite sad and unappreciated (eery year I speak with DH about what Mother's Day is about and a little thought would be nice, then I get apologies and nothing changes the following year - not asking for much, just making kids making me breakfast or a trip to the Garden Centre for a nosy and a cuppa, I can't get out on my own due to ankle so today it would have been even more appreciated!).

[Janeymoo50]

It's a very tough day for many, those who have lost a child, can't have them, those (like me) who cried this morning because my darling, darling mum died 2 years ago and those...who have a mum who is just awful. That said, i love seeing the nice posts too (especially my niece who was served toast, butter and haribos on top for breakfast this morning).

[LikeASoulWithoutAMind]

YANBU

My mum is OK and definitely has her good points but has let me down quite badly at a few crucial moments in my adult life.

As ever, I would take the fb posts with a pinch of salt though - I've seen at least a couple today where Best Mum Ever is stretching the truth more than a tad.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Dawn what do you mean by set your kids up to fail? I worry that i do and just want to get perspective.

Sorry to hijack OP.

[pigsinbutter]

i have been nc for nearly 2 years now and it's been bliss! mostly now because i can turn my back on all of the horrible things that she made me believe about myself. nope, sorry - not selfish, or stubborn, or boring, or even ugly. i find it really hard now i am a mother myself to believe that anyone could say those kinds of things to their child.

people just so want to believe that mothers are always caring and loving towards their children, and never want to believe that they could be deliberately mean. it just means that those of us who are survivors have to live in silence, or deal with people who think that there is something wrong with us. i get a bit sick of that really.

for those of you who have lovely mothers, who are kind and loving - you are truely blessed. but i don't want to feel less blessed because of some bitch! i have great kids, a lovely house, even my dog's good looking!

love and hugs to all of you in the same situation!

[bluecheque4595]

Yes yes to all of the above.

I have stayed away from Facebook as much as possible for about two weeks and it has helped.

My M never was into Ms Day, cos she is the kind of person who thinks it is degrading and beneath her to be labeled "just a mother". This was before she decided to disown myself and sister, and slammed phone down on my sis when she called one Mothers Day a few yrs ago to wish her well. M is on Facebook, I wonder if she "feels the draught" where everyone else is on there boasting on about their lovely mums and she gets nothing from myself or my sis.

On the up side, I don't have to worry about getting her a card, its not even an option.

It is good to see so many women who have resolved not to be like their toxic mothers. Sometimes parents show us the way by what NOT to do.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Op I've been NC with my toxic mother for 15 years.

Mother's Day is totally about me and my kids. I don't even give that bitch a second thought.

Don't feel sad - be greatful that she taught you to be everything she isn't. You can't change the past only consentrate on today X

[bluecheque4595]

Has anyone here ever been to church where they admit that they don't do Mothers Day and get a roomful of people looking askance and telling them "But you should celebrate Mothers Day because of your kids"? I have. Its why I avoid Church every M Day ever since.

When my kids were little I used to send a note to school saying "Please dont make my kids make me a M day card. I don't celebrate. They probably thought I was a freak.

[Tadpoletoatoad]

I can't stand my mother. She is a jealous, self centred bully (I wanted to use another b word there but restated). But for everything she's done to me I still blame myself endlessly and feel sad. I have two beautiful DC and I've had a lovely day but it's tinged with sadness and 'what ifs'

[Tadpoletoatoad]

Resisted!

[resipsa]

Do any of you worry that you'll end up with a similarly bad relationship with your own children in 30 years, despite your best efforts? I do and so am beginning to dislike this day for another reason.

[aLeafFalls]

It used to take me ages to choose a Mother's Day card that I could send with any sincerity. My mum was a sadist who enjoyed our suffering (inflicted by her) when we were children.

My children were very thoughtful today, made me feel special, so at least I've broken the cycle.

Really, I wish the whole thing would just disappear though. It's lovely for me these days but a source of pain for so many. It won't though, far too big a money spinner now.