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AIBU to be so worried for vulnerable sister and DCs?

(26 Posts)
mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 14:28:33

Please help! sad

My sister was very young, still a teenager, when she married and soon afterwards became pregnant. We all begged her not to marry him because there was always a question mark over his past. But she loved him and obviously we all wanted to be supportive.

They had 2 babies quite soon after each other and then the next we knew the marriage was over and BIL in police custody! This didn't last long as Dsis divorced her DH. It turned out he (BIL) had been sent to prison for possession and distribution of indecent images. SS were involved, it was awful.

Anyway next thing we know she's dating again. But this new man is no saint, has a child to another woman, and there's just something odd about him. She moved in quite soon and now she's pregnant again. This is very worrying as after her first marriage ended she got a job (part time) and was talking about college but after she met him she quit the job so she's 100% reliant on benefits, obviously fair enough if you need them.

But I'm so upset that my bright pretty funny lovely sister has basically decided to spend her life on benefits and having babies.

ppandj Sun 06-Mar-16 14:43:25

YANBU to be worried about her, it sounds like it has been quite stressful for all concerned. However, YAB a bit U about her life choices regarding babies and benefits, assuming of course that she is happy with those choices? Are you close? Would you be able to talk to her and see how she is?
As someone who has a v close relationship with my dsis, I can imagine this is really hard for you to watch.

TeaOnEverest Sun 06-Mar-16 14:52:41

YANBU I can see why you're worried. I think it's natural enough to be worried about dsis being pregnant and stuck on benefits even without the BIL issue. Do the kids see their dad at all?

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 14:54:32

PP - I'm not judging her life choices exactly, just that after the first one went wrong she seemed to be making positive steps to put her life and her children's lives in order and now she's once again making herself emotionally and financially dependent on a man.

The children don't see their dad at all sad

Pinkheart5915 Sun 06-Mar-16 14:54:40

Sounds like a stressful situation.

Are you closer enough to have an honest chat with her?

I think sometimes when people have been in one bad relationship they think that is all there is and they continue to pick bad man.

My sister was a bright young girl to but ended up with a man with a shady past against all our better judgement, had a baby social services became involved. Now 6 years later she has finally seen him for what he is and is on her own doing well, she is also receiving counselling to talk about why she made that relationship choice etc.
I never understand how she ended up like she did as we had the same upbringing and I married a lovely warm guy. I would never let a man treat me the way her partner treated her for years.

It is heart breaking to watch, but somebody can't be told unless they want to listen

TeaOnEverest Sun 06-Mar-16 14:55:29

I don't think it's BU to worry about a family member deliberately choosing to rely on benefits as a long term thing, instead of a job/college. Benefits are very unreliable and the way things are going she could find herself in a very difficult financial position. Not to mention the waste of potential

Skittlesss Sun 06-Mar-16 14:57:31

What worries you about the new fella? Do you think it's because the old fella was like he is, so you worry this one will be too?

If worries are substantial then you can speak to the police who will check him out. They won't disclose anything about him to you, but they will go tell your sister if anything comes up that's worrying. Like I said though, the concerns have to be substantial and not just because her ex was into IIOC.

Are SS still involved with her? If so they might have checked this fella out, depending upon the level of involvement they have.

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 14:58:04

That's what I'm worried about Tea

Being honest, college with two children would have been hard but doable but now three?

She thinks this new guy is great hmm

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 15:13:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 15:25:30

It was a sad at the whole situation.

Are you a bit rude?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 15:29:59

On occasion.

But you put a sad face right by that sentance, what did you think that would be taken to mean?

Most of the time given the situation that sentance would be met with relief or hope that the status of their none relationship would remain the same.

Where the indecent images actually images of child abuse or another type of indecent images?

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 15:36:52

sock since I've explained what it meant could you move on? I won't go into what the images were, of children, he has gone to prison.

Kpo58 Sun 06-Mar-16 15:48:21

There's not much you can do for your sister as she seems to be blind to the situation. My cousin is the same. Keeps going out out with drug dealers and other dodgy people. The one that went to prison was actually one of her better choices.

All you can do is be there for her kids and if possible let them know that they can stay over if they are not feeling comfortable at home and try and help them get their schoolwork done (if needed) so they don't follow in their mother's footsteps.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 15:51:22

Well you don't really get to do that on a public forum where you have invited comment.

You have a view of the overall situation perhaps there is another way of looking at it that does not involve unkindness towards your sister even if it is just thought and not demonstrated to her.

She hooked up and had two kids with someone who obviously had quite a lot to do with images of child abuse. Ok that's horrendious.

But it's horrendious for her. What does she do next.

She divorces him and gets him out of her life and protects her children.

She also has involvement with social services (having worked in that industry for a long time I have a fair idea of what this is likely to involve).

Yet she still has her children. This means that children's services think she is an adequate parent to them it also means they believe she has not been unwilling or unable to protect them.

So she's now decided to progress with another pregnancy,with another chap who as far as you are aware has no actual issues and is unlikely to have any previous history of problems given that your sister is on the radar.

Not great but not an unusual situation or one that you have indicated will not result in her making the best of it.

Your bright funny lovely sister needs to have a fair few more words inserted into that description.

Try strong, brave, dedicated parent, courageous and unusual.

It may give you a less unkind view of the situation.

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 16:22:44

It's not her parenting I'm concerned about.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 16:31:09

That's obvious. It's her decision to continue with a pregnancy.

Whilst you probally won't get your head around what I am saying (not your issue or anything, I do have a perticular way of comunicating that not everybody gets)

Her doing so is nothing to do with anybody other than her.neither is her financial situation.

You also appear to be concerned about her new partner yet unless ive missed something there is no reason other than your own gut feeling.

It's unlikely that she has not had some help and support with understanding the difference between Mr nice and Mr nasty as well as identifying safeguarding relationship risks.

I understand it's hard, I really do but faith and trust in people you love unless or until you know you have reason to be concerned is a useful life skill

TeaOnEverest Sun 06-Mar-16 16:44:18

Wow, needs bit harsh. I'm sure most people in the ops shoes would be concerned and anxious for a family member after such horrible revelations. Especially as the new guy is on the scene fairly quickly, from what OP seems to say?

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 16:58:20

Harsh to suggest she has a bit of faith in her sister?

Given that her sister has by the sounds of it done significantly better with the situation she landed herself in than a huge huge amount of people would do?

TeaOnEverest Sun 06-Mar-16 17:10:08

Yes, I suppose so. You never have a bit of anxiety over a loved one then? Your life must be ever so relaxing

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 17:20:27

Sock while I totally see your point I think you may be missing mine a bit.

I've no issues or concerns with DSis' parenting. She's a great mum and her children are loved and very well cared for.

My concern is that at a very young age herself she repeatedly forms tenacious relationships with new men rather than focusing on a long term plan that involves her own long term security and that of her family.

The more children she has and the more men who are involved in this life means ultimately that the background the children are being raised in is yet more complicated and dare I say a bit chaotic and it also means she is dependent on a man, or on the welfare state to provide financially.

Children's services absolutely think she's an adequate parent and rightly so, she is. But if we all set our parenting bar as 'not having SS involved' then that wouldn't be a great thing really.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 06-Mar-16 17:33:53


I feel your pain but what you need to understand is that it's her life to live and although you only want the best for her it's just about accepting that she is choosing to lead this life.

Be there for her always and that is all a good sister can do

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 06-Mar-16 17:46:15

I do not think I am missing your points, you have been very clear. I am disagreeing with them.

If the person you were talking about was not your sister it would not just be me commenting on the multiple kids two diferent dads criticism, it also would not just be me commenting on the benefit angle.

Im guessing you have been about awhile and are a name changer, how many threads have you seen where the op has been dreadfully upset by an obvious negative to an announced pregnancy I know ive seen loads.

It's hurtful and it's unnecessary.

And the bar is nothing to do with not having ss involvement it's a lot to do with not having it anymore or not having cp stuff still ongoing after you have had them involved when the initial reason for the involvement is something as real and as tangible as conviction level offences of the nature talked about.

mysistermysorrow Sun 06-Mar-16 18:00:19

So you don't think she's made her situation harder, you don't think she's made independence difficult, you think a blended family of four children belonging to four different parents is healthy and happy?

I don't.

I wouldn't say so to her face for all the tea in China. But point taken IABU.

maydancer Sun 06-Mar-16 18:08:30

I've no issues or concerns with DSis' parenting. She's a great mum and her children are loved and very well cared for.

is it great parenting to move a man, an 'odd' man with her young children so quickly?
is it great parenting to have another child with someone she hardly knows?

RubbleBubble00 Sun 06-Mar-16 18:09:17

ok situation is not great. I'd be trying to channel her into supportive environments, perhaps you could go to sure start centre together if there one near. Be there for her, try not to judge.

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