To expect DH to make amends?

[WonkyZonkey]

When I first met DH he didn't speak to his family, they fell out over something unimportant with his ex. When we got together I spent a lot of time convincing him that it was important to build bridges as we wanted our own family and I wanted them involved.
Long story short, all bridges were built and his family were back in his life, we had a LG and they have been great with her.
We visited regularly and family evening meals always involved wine and nearly always resulted in a heated discussion about one thing or another (they are a family of volatile hot heads) but dont usually involve my husband or I so until the latest visit...

Cutting a longer story even shorter... last visit resulted in MIL massively insulting me (apparently CS is not giving birth properly) and husband falling out with FIL over an old affair his dad had and MIL calling hubs a hypocrite because we met when he was still married (was separated!)
Lots of name calling and shouting between everyone ensued and we were told in no uncertain terms that we were no longer welcome in their house. We left early the next morning.

OH is deeply upset and doesn't seem to care if they are out of our lives for good. I will support hubs and what they did and said was totally out of order but I also feel our LG misses out if she is denied access to her grandparents.

[Katenka]

Do you want your kids around people who drink and throw insults about?

[Bailey101]

To be honest, they don't sound like the sort of people I'd want around my child. If they can't even spend an evening together without fighting, that's not an atmosphere that's healthy for a child.

[Katenka]

Sorry didn't mean to imply that all drinking is bad. But if every visit involves plenty of wine then an argument debate and insults being thrown, do you want your child around them.

[PommelandCantle]

There are a lot of amazing people in the world who treasure us and our children. They are great role models too. Just because someone is family doesn't give them the automatic right to be given the honour of a place in your child's life. What would you say to your DD if her in laws treated her like that? Be proud of your DH for standing up to them.

[MatildaTheCat]

Your dh knows them better than you. They thrive on rows,tension and insults. He doesn't. You don't necessarily have to be no contact forever but low contact in no alcohol type situations sounds the only way to go.

After they apologise to you both. Unless there is much more to it they were spoiling for a fight.

[pinkyredrose]

Why the hell would you want these people anywhere near you or your DC?

[WorraLiberty]

I think you need to leave this up to your DH.

They're his family (ok, yours too by marriage) but he's tried once and look where it got you all?

Your daughter doesn't need people in her life who are that volatile, family or not.

[OurBlanche]

Stop! Stop feeling sorry for something your child will not know she is missing.

Think about it. You said they fell out over something unimportant with his ex. and now they have fallen out with you for something equally silly.

It isn't your DH that is being unreasonable. It is them. It could be you if you insist on keeping lines of communication open with them, trying to make them do something they have shown they can't/won't.

Basically, your DH made a mistake when he let you talk him into reconnecting with them. He has had to go through this twice. Now you need to do more than support his choice, you need to be very, very willing to actively make it happen.

I say that as I did much the same with my DH. It wasn't the best move and, after a lot of extreme emotional unpleasantness, he is now NC with what is left of his family - and happier.

[WonkyZonkey]

No. I suppose I don't. I hadn't really thought about it like that. I was concentrating on the fact that they are so great with her.

(she's always in bed and asleep when "sh*t goes down"... it's usually petty rather than personal and yes, always wine but not always pissed)

It makes me sad that she will now miss out on all that love. She adores them.

[DangerMouth]

Your dd doesn't need a relationship at all cost with GP. Why would you even want them in her life

[FigMango1]

Well you pushed for them to be in your life so what do you expect.

You need to learn to respect your husbands decisions about his family. I think it's very selfish of you to force him to maintain this family ties when he clearly knows them better than you. Seems like you want this ideal picture of happy families but it's not going to be that.

[Katenka]

She won't always be a asleep in bed when shot goes down.

She will hear it of see it.

[WonkyZonkey]

OurBlanche - you are totally right really... i feel sad for hubs now. Why are some people so horrid. :(

Thank you for replying. I keep bringing it up with my husband but will stop now and just concentrate on supporting his decision.

[WonkyZonkey]

FigMango1 - ouch. truth really does hurt but you hit the nail on the head. I really DO want happy families. Why would I not? I want my little girl to be surrounded by as many people who love her as possible.

I guess you really can't change people.

I WOULD feel terribly guilty that I pushed him through the emotional turmoil of getting back in touch with his family BUT he now has relationships with his siblings and their families (all who are normal and lovely) as a result. It's just his parents who are arseholes.

[OurBlanche]

Wonky I apologised to mine, for my part in his making more contact.

I told him I was sorry, that he had every right to be angry, sad, furious with them, and me, and that I had been wrong to think it would be good to be in regular contact with them given how they behaved. I also told him that I would leave it entirely up to him how much, if any contact we/he ever had with any of them.

He was there, in contact with his mum when she needed support (but took her own life due to illness and alcohol) but has slowly dropped contact with his siblings and other family members since. He now no longer makes any efforts towards them at all and has worked through all his issues of feeling guilty/responsible.

He is a much happier man, much more himself now.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Why have you started two threads?

Why are you meddling in a relationship that's got nothing to do with you?

Your Dh knows these folks better than you - leave it!

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Hubs?

[WonkyZonkey]

yes I posted twice. I didn't mean to. I didn't think the other one had worked as my browser closed... I don't post all day every day so excuse my ignorance. I'll try shut it down.

[FigMango1]

Yes but you need to stay out of meddling in these relationships. Your poor Dh. Do you have any idea how much people go through to have little contact with their parents? Maybe try thinking of your Dh Instead of what you want to happen. He knows them much better than you, so really just keep out .

[WonkyZonkey]

Wow. Thanks FigMango. clearly an issue close to your heart. How do I delete the other post?

[ImperialBlether]

Oh please don't call him hubs! Please!

[OurBlanche]

Crikey! Wonky I reported your other thread as a duplicate when there was only 1 post on it. MNHQ might close it down as this one has more responses. You could report it too, maybe that will save you getting sniped at like this!

[MashesToPashes]

I have an utterly marvelous, supportive, caring friend who DD knows as Auntie and her husband as Uncle. They are frequently misidentified as her grandparents and I am blessed that they are in my lives.

There is no way that I am chasing after the members of my large, dysfunctional, argumentative, blame game playing family to try and create a relationship worth having when 46 years of experience has taught me it isn't going to happen.

DH really struggled with this at first, he's been brought up to think that family is everything. His Mother still struggles with it and is very jealous and suspicious of my friend, but I refuse to relegate her to what she sees as an acceptable level of relationship.

If I were you I'd let this lot go and concentrate on the positive people you can have in your family's life instead.

[WonkyZonkey]

Thanks OurBlanche. I have done so now after scouring FAQ's. I'm not a regular poster and just wanted an opinion as I had an inkling that perhaps I wasn't handling a situation as well as I could have been.

Some really helpful answers and a general consensus that means I have my answer. Thank you. Some really hurtful accusations that mean this may well be a first and last for me. Not sure I need it.