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AIBU to remember my miscarried baby, even though no-one else does?

(41 Posts)
Juniper4004 Sun 06-Mar-16 01:04:48

I miscarried a year ago. I know that the baby I lost was just a clump of cells, but to me it was a life. I had started looking into double pushchairs, maternity allowances, and life with a second etc. Then it was gone.

I'm fortunate in that I got pregnant again and now have DC2 (or 3?) who is 6 weeks old.

I had come to terms with the loss until tonight when I realised that DP hadn't mentioned the miscarriage to any of his family. That baby, however small, happened.

It came up in conversation with his sister, who is planning on TTC. It took all of 3 seconds before the conversation changed direction in that 'miscarriage is uncomfortable to talk about' way.

I know I am very lucky to have two DCs; I'm just sad that my DC2 isn't acknowledged.

AlpacaLypse Sun 06-Mar-16 01:12:21

No you're not U. Every October 21 I remember DC3 who didn't make it past 12 week scan, that was her/his due date. It's Trafalgar Day, I'd decided to call her Hermione if she was a girl after one of the ships involved in that campaign. I was still mulling a boy's name when I went to the loo and realised nothing was going to be happening sad

None of DP's family know. My mum and two of my sisters do though.

However... between the four of us we have fifteen miscarriages. I guess what I'm trying to say is that shit happens, we have a hand-hold-hug and we carry on.

Baconyum Sun 06-Mar-16 01:14:10

YANBU

I'm on several fora that remember mc babies and discuss mc.

My eldest would now be 24
Twins would be turning 16 this month.

I have my wonderful dd who is 15 but I talk with her about her older brother and sisters. They were not just a clump of cells to me and not should they be.

flowers to you

I also have an aunt and a friend who suffered multiple mc, I had a conversation with my aunt around time of my daughter's birth, she's normally a very reserved private person. She asked if I remember their dates etc and I said yes, she said she remembers all hers too and they were 40+ years ago now.

awfullyproper Sun 06-Mar-16 01:18:41

I lost 5. I get fed up with not talking about it or worrying about other people feeling awkward.
Two were due around the same time as each of the duchess of Cambridge's two, so I think about it every time I see anything about a royal birthday.
Of course you're not being U.

awfullyproper Sun 06-Mar-16 01:25:28

Oh and flowers to you and everyone who has experienced this loss.

vodkaredbull Sun 06-Mar-16 01:29:44

You're not unreasonable.

I've lost 4 babies. They were each full of potential and I think about them all the time. DH didn't tell his family either and recently my own DM mentioned it in front of them. They quickly changed the subject.

I'm sorry for your loss.

novemberchild Sun 06-Mar-16 01:30:31

I will always remember mine. It came at a very difficult time in my life and the baby was due on my wedding anniversary.

I'm pregnant again now, so that helps, but it won't ever erase the fact that we lost our first child (together - I have two teens from my first marriage).

possum18 Sun 06-Mar-16 01:33:38

I am so sorry you are feeling alone in this and that you and other posters have gone through such loss.
I lost two babies very early last year, and am about to give birth to twin boys - I feel very bitter sweet about it.
My partner tells me it's okay to make peace with it and put it 'away' in my mind, but I have struggled to do so.
With Mother's Day tomorrow I feel very sad that I won't have a baby to hold and cuddle, to celebrate with, though I recognise how lucky I am to be due my twins in the next few weeks.

It's okay to remember, it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to cry! thanksbrew

Wagglebees Sun 06-Mar-16 01:42:49

I wrote a big post but today it is stinging and I was getting a bit ranty so I'll just say that yadnbu flowers

flowers to everyone who has suffered a loss. I hope today isn't too painful for you.

Orrla Sun 06-Mar-16 01:43:21

4 losses here. I will always remember them. Their due dates are etched in my mind and I'll never forget them. Remember them and mark the occasion which ever way comforts you. flowers

Juniper4004 Sun 06-Mar-16 01:45:51

Waggle I would like to hear your post.

Spartak Sun 06-Mar-16 03:44:22

Mine would have been nearly 20 now. I was only 18, and I will always wonder what might have been. Only my now ex knew about it, and we have long since lost touch. I never went on to have children, but for 11 weeks I was a mum.

fatowl Sun 06-Mar-16 04:41:02

I lost three babies, one in between DD1 and DD2 at 8 weeks, another inbetween DD2 and DD3, and the last one after DD3 at 14 weeks. The last one affects me the most as it was messy, drawn out and involved a hospital stay.

I remember them, I think I am the only one who does.
I'm sorry for your loss OP

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 06-Mar-16 04:43:33

YANBU and I'm sorry for your loss flowers
DD was a twin, I miscarried her twin early in the pregnancy but to me it was still another baby we should have had. People in the family know but no one ever mentions or acknowledges it, I've even mentioned it once or twice in front of in laws and they just ignored and changed the subject quickly sad

Vixxfacee Sun 06-Mar-16 06:36:36

I lost my precious baby 4 years ago. Been ttc ever since and due to have ivf.
No one acknowledges my miscarriage and on anniversaries and due dates I sit and remember my baby alone.

My 'd' Mil told me not to mention ivf or being pregnant to her until at least 16 weeks as SHE doesn't want to get her hopes up.

Sorry to everyone who has lost their babies.

Happy Mother's Day flowers

eatingworms Sun 06-Mar-16 06:55:10

No not unreasonable. I lost two a few years ago. I have since had my wonderful DD which was very healing and I feel extremely lucky every day. But your post still made me shed a tear, there'll always be some sad memories there, I found it a brutal experience.
Take care. Xxx

Bonywasawarriorwayayix Sun 06-Mar-16 07:07:19

YANBU. I should be around 7 months pregnant today, and I'm thinking about what might have been.

puglife15 Sun 06-Mar-16 07:08:50

YANBU OP flowers

Chottie Sun 06-Mar-16 07:09:43

YANBU at all. I had three consecutive miscarriages and although time does soften the anguish, I'll never, ever forget. flowers

Believeitornot Sun 06-Mar-16 07:09:45

Yanbu. I had a MC between my first and second DCs.

I was sad, angry and many other emotions when it happened. However now my youngest is a few years old, the pain has long since faded and I don't remember the exact date it happened. So it does get easier.

Deletetheheat Sun 06-Mar-16 07:17:24

I also have had two miscarriages, most of my friends have had at least one.

It is, of course, extremely sad and a very unpleasant experience.

But I think the fact that it is so common is why they is a finite amount of sympathy. People are very sorry for you but they know it's one of the main risks of the whole baby making journey. Though their hearts go out to you, they assume the hurt fades especially once another baby is on the way and born healthy.

I don't know if that people have 'forgotten' your miscarriage, but rather that it isn't seen as something that needs talking about or that you are still very sad about.

Plus you don't know if the people you feel are ignoring it have actually been through similar and they don't want reminding.

thanks for you and all of us that have gone through it. Moreover CONGRATS on your new baby! How wonderful that you now have two gorgeous kids.

Jw35 Sun 06-Mar-16 07:19:43

YANBU

I was pregnant with twins due 17/04/01 They would be 15 this year. I went for my 12 week scan and told they were twins and a few days later they were gone sad
I went on to have a baby in 2003 who's going to be 13 this year. I also have a 14 month old and I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I still remember the twins though! Every April 17th I feel a bit gloomy!

SiencynArsecandle Sun 06-Mar-16 07:29:14

YANBU

I miscarried 19 years ago and the due date was 6th March - today. Mother's Day always falls around the time. It's still there and despite all of the family knowing, it was never mentioned at the time and it certainly isn't now.

Snowybelle Sun 06-Mar-16 07:29:43

Not unreasonable at all.

Other people will always be too scared to talk about it because they can not know how you will react. Rather than say the wrong thing they would rather say nothing. Can't blame them for that, though it can be frustrating.

Does not mean you can not remember and honour them. They were yours, of course you can flowers if you would like support you could vocalise what's on your mind and try to make clear what is acceptable to talk about (ie what won't upset you) and tell them you are comfortable with remembering.

Some like to ponder on what might have been, others don't even want to talk about it. We are all different. We need to tell people what we feel comfortable with, they are not mind readers and changing the topic doesn't mean they don't care - quite the opposite in fact. They are trying to protect you, even though you don't want that. Of course there are total idiots who are just thinking of themselves.

Vixxfacee your mil is a class A douche, I have one exactly like that myself. Mil comes first you know, must adhere to mil's wishes during these personal events!!!!! I am sorry for you. Thank god mine lives miles away.

flowers for all here. Xxx

contrary13 Sun 06-Mar-16 07:45:29

YAabsolutelyNBU.

Like you, OP, I have 2 DC - a DD who is 19, and a DS who is 11. But, if all had gone as I'd hoped it would, I would have 4 DC. A second 11 year old, who should have been DS' twin, and a 15 year old.

DS' twin was lost at 8 weeks and... I don't know if I'd even "know" at that stage of gestation, but I'm convinced that it was a girl. Even before I started to lose her - and at that point, I didn't know for certain that I was carrying twins, because I'd not had any scans - both I and my mother were adamant that there were two little lives inside of me. Consequently, I named her: Carey Grace Anaïs (which will probably "out" me if any of my close friends are reading this thread!). I remember/celebrate her brief "life" every April 10th.

The 15 year old I lost at just after 3 months and was a boy. Although I remember him every April 23rd, and named him George Andrew, unlike DS' twin... my family and ex-P's family don't know about him. We were in a period of NC with my parents and ex-P... well, he's very good at not communicating about anything that he thinks his parents are going to disapprove of. They don't know about DS' twin, either... and, actually, they didn't know I was even pregnant with him until I was 27 weeks, because a grown man of 29 was too afraid of their reaction (bear in mind that he and I had been together since we were 14 at this point...).

Unlike PP, I don't remember them on their due dates. I choose to do so on the dates when I lost them. When their lives ended. When I, as their mother, was bereaved of them. Both DD and DS know about them now. MC are horribly common on my maternal line, and so I wanted DD to know that if ever she should find herself losing a pregnancy that it's not something to be ashamed of, or that ought to be hidden. That she can always communicate about it with me, if no one else. My DM lost seven pregnancies between my older brother and myself, and deals with it by not talking - which is fine, for her, but when I went through the same experience with DS' twin, and was terrified enough to want my DM (because there was a very real chance I was going to lose DS, too, at the time), she couldn't have been less understanding/sympathetic if she'd tried.

MC isn't something that we, as mothers, ought to feel ashamed of, or shamed about. It is a very real risk with every single pregnancy. Women need to communicate about it and support one another when it happens, or has happened. And yes, as the mothers of these putative babies, we do need to be able to grieve for their losses, to remember them as we see fit. Because in, and of itself, that is part of the healing process (not that I think we ever will heal from the loss, but we're more likely to do so if we're able to talk, and cry, and perhaps even get angry about the fact that they didn't survive).

But it's not our fault that we lost them.

It really isn't.

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