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To think I can be sad on any bloody day I like?

(20 Posts)
Zariyah Sun 06-Mar-16 00:15:15

My closest friend took her own life in a very tragic way on Mother's Day 8 years ago. Obviously, the date changes every year and the anniversary of her death was a few days ago. I'm especially sad on Mother's Day because her mum was devastated by C's suicide and blames herself for failing her mentally ill daughter. She's always thought that her daughter was sending her a sign by doing it but I know she wasn't. Her mum won't believe me though, she's too crushed.

I find this day particularly bitter and difficult. I miss her terribly, even after all this time.

My bloody "friend" said I need to buck up my ideas for my family as it isn't even the date of her anniversary of death. Don't get wrong, I shan't be weeping and wailing and talking about suicide tomorrow but I do feel sad. I do miss my friend.

AIBU to think it doesn't matter that Mother's Day doesn't fall on exactly the same date? It's still a reminder of my loss.

MadamDeathstare Sun 06-Mar-16 00:20:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 06-Mar-16 00:26:37

You've called her only your 'bloody 'friend'', so no need to take anything she says to heart, leaving you free to ignore her opinion and feel however the fuck you want, without guilt.

flowers

Fatmomma99 Sun 06-Mar-16 00:29:31

I - random stranger on internet - give you permission to mourn.

Do what feels right for you. flowers

BiscuitMillionaire Sun 06-Mar-16 00:30:49

Anyone who tries to tell someone else how they should or should not be feeling, especially with regards to bereavement, should shut the fuck up. Of course you can be sad.
flowers

Vintage45 Sun 06-Mar-16 00:31:19

Why bitter?

You're friend might have a point though. Does it reflect on your own family?

bittapitta Sun 06-Mar-16 00:34:24

You know the answer here and you are right to rant about your so called friend.

A friend of mine lost a close family member at Easter, so of course that time of year is hard for her - be it March or April!

AgentZigzag Sun 06-Mar-16 00:34:30

'Why bitter?'

Because it's Mother's Day tomorrow, same day (not date) OP's friend died?

'Friend' should keep any points she might have to herself, unless it's to ask the OP how she's faring.

Vintage45 Sun 06-Mar-16 00:35:55

Sad yes, but why bitter? It being mothers day doesn't mean she should be this though does it Agent?

Zariyah Sun 06-Mar-16 00:37:46

Thanks for the support. To answer a few q;

I'm bitter because C was so let down by services. Bitter is probably the wrong word, I was rambling.

It is an old friend who said this, I thought she was still a good friend but we are drifting.

It won't impact on my family. We are having afternoon tea at home, something very low key. I won't discuss it with my youngest DC as it's upsetting and they never knew her. It just stings and I'll probably have a little cry tomorrow night when everyone's in bed.

Vintage45 Sun 06-Mar-16 00:39:57

Have you thought of having counselling for your loss OP due to losing her under such tragic circumstances.

RitaVinTease Sun 06-Mar-16 00:40:50

What an utterly useless thing to say to someone. As if you can turn your feelings on and off like a tap.
Honour your friend and dont worry what anyone else thinks. flowers

LucyBabs Sun 06-Mar-16 00:41:02

Zar Sorry you lost a good friend and in such awful circumstances. It doesnt matter if the date of her death was a few days ago, she died on mothers day. My Mam died 3 years ago, mothers day will obviously never be the same but then I miss her everyday regardless.
I dont understand these people giving their advice on how anyone should or shouldn't grieve.

7Days Sun 06-Mar-16 00:41:19

Fucking nonsense. Look at it the other way, Christmas fell on say Tuesday last year, dos not mean you have to wait til boxing day this year to feel all merry and bright. It's the time of year that brings the associations not the calender

AgentZigzag Sun 06-Mar-16 00:41:46

I suppose what I said before Vintage, OP can feel however the fuck she wants.

Bitter, frustrated, angry, sad, thinking fondly of her friend, a bit of everything.

She might not have a choice/control over it and therefore not something a 'buck up' is likely to resolve (which IMO is more about the friend not wanting to be near the 'uncomfortableness' of the OP's grief rather then any actual concern).

WorraLiberty Sun 06-Mar-16 00:42:45

YANBU at all.

My sister died on Mother's Day and as much as the date changes, it's still the anniversary of her death to me...as well as the actual date that she died.

My (Irish) mother died on St Patrick's Day and although the date doesn't change, it makes it just that little bit more difficult because so many people I know are celebrating on that day.

No-one can tell you when and where to grieve or how to feel. It just comes naturally to you.

AgentZigzag Sun 06-Mar-16 00:44:14

Saying the OP needs to 'buck up my ideas for my family as it isn't even the date of her anniversary of death' and she may as well have said 'it's been 8 years, aren't you over it yet <eye roll>'.

Vintage45 Sun 06-Mar-16 00:45:15

Calm down Agent.

I just suggested that the OP may want to seek counselling if things are still so raw 8 years later. Coming to terms with a suicide is excruciating.

stealtheatingtunnocks Sun 06-Mar-16 00:48:27

Nope, I get it.

A very dear friend of mine took her own life after absconding from a mental health unit where she was admitted against her own wishes.

I am angry about her ability to sneak out. And, I miss her. And, she was a medic, so, the strike stuff in the news makes me think of all the "what if I had"s and "what if I'd done"s.

The truth is, if someone wants to take their life, well, that's a job for the professionals. I am heart sore for anyone who has suicide touch their lives, either fighting the urge, or living with the loss. Just fucking brutal.

<hugs to you>

Postchildrenpregranny Sun 06-Mar-16 00:55:53

I had a miscarriage on Mothers Day 28 years ago .I went on to have my second beautiful daughter (after a second mc) .Every year I remember and feel a little sad.Nothing like your loss OP but I understand how you feel.
The fact that it was Mothers Day made it especially poigniant

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