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He's always sick

(87 Posts)
FundraisingPTABitch Sat 05-Mar-16 11:27:50

On my birthdays, on anniversaries--on Mothers Day...We've been married for the past decade. Together since Uni.

Magically, three days before every event thats supposed to celebrate me somehow he's in bed having the worst illness of his life.

Last week I was sick, it was my birthday and I was working away from home. He was also working away from home in the same country I was in. (we travel tonnes for work).

He came to see me after his assignment was over and picked fights with me whenever I could spare time to spend with him. So if he wasn't in bed pretending to be on his deathbed 'god father style' he would say things that were devastating in their own ways.

Literally he thought he was in some movie so would pick an absurd thing to say ie: "I've decided to quit work and self fund a book."

We can't afford for either of us giving up our jobs. We work for money for a reason. We NEED the MONEY. Money stresses us both out.

So when I looked at him and said "thats not a funny idea, surely you can write your book after we've built up a better financial buffer" he got up and walked off.

The next day I had a few hours off to celebrate my birthday and what did he do? rolled around the floor pretending like he couldn't breathe.

Tomorrow is mothers day--and guess whose still in bed? Every time I go in there he moans, cries a little and does three dramatic gasp-coughs.

I'm just too busy to actually say or do anything, because I really don't have the time to bring it up and deal with his drama. On normal days he's okay.

I love him, the kids love him. I guess I just have to stop expecting him to put me first on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. I suppose I could stop.

On his birthday-he gets upset if he's disturbed from anything.

annandale Sat 05-Mar-16 11:32:51

To be fair most men I have been with get very sick from the amount of work they do and the lack of attention they pay to looking after themselves.

I had a partner though who was ill every time we were supposed to go and do something involving my family or friends. I got the choice of abandoning my plans to be with him (usually resulting in a dramatic improvement in his health) or going and spending the whole time with a knot in my stomach from guilt, plus the drag of haivng to make his excuses all the time. He 'couldn't' make his own excuses because he was so consistent at doing this he hadn't even met most of them! I ended up divorcing him, and though this wasn't the main reason, by God it was like heaven being free of it.

I would start doing stuff without him for your special days, and the resentment won't build up. But yes, really, really frustrating. flowers for Mother's Day.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sat 05-Mar-16 11:33:22

Why are you with this arsehole?

GloGirl Sat 05-Mar-16 11:35:02

Why do you love him?

Siolence Sat 05-Mar-16 11:35:23

Set up a calendar reminder before each event and send it to him.
3 days to go to something that celebrates me - what illness are you choosing?

Show it up for what it is. If he keeps it up - get rid.

Vixxfacee Sat 05-Mar-16 11:36:48

Exactly what I was thinking. Why are you with this guy he doesn't care about you.

cece Sat 05-Mar-16 11:42:28

My DH used to be a bit like this. Whenever there was a social event he didn't want to go to he would be strangely ill.....

Once I realised what he was doing I just told him not to be so ridiculous the next time he tried to do it. I pointed out he always did fake illness when he wanted to get out of something. So I told him to get dressed as we were going anyway. He now doesn't do it....

But yours does sound a bit more dramatic and over the top!

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 05-Mar-16 11:45:27

Just call him out on it. Every time. It's my birthday coming up, what's wrong with you this time?

Or, dump him. It'll probably be less stressful that way.

Greyponcho Sat 05-Mar-16 11:50:31

Is it some bizarre sort of anxiety..??
Does he do well in social situations?
is he just really shit at picking presents, so feigns illness as an excuse not to get you something half decent, because he 'couldn't get to the shops due to being sooooo ill in bed'?

ElderlyKoreanLady Sat 05-Mar-16 11:53:32

He rolled round the floor pretending he couldn't breathe? confused

I second the suggestion that a couple of days before the next occasion, you ask him which illness he's picking.

My ex was always either 'ill' or picked a fight for 'me' occasions or stuff with my family. He actually completely ruined DM's wedding for me...picked a fight because I wouldn't let him feel me up under my dress while right in front of the groom's elderly mother angry People who behave like this really boil my piss.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Mar-16 11:55:24

'On his birthday-he gets upset if he's disturbed from anything.'

Then take the day before it and the day of it off and leave. Don't engage at all. Just leave the room, house, place. He won't put you first, you put you first.

WorraLiberty Sat 05-Mar-16 11:58:39

Does he have/has he had any mental health issues?

Rolling around the floor pretending he can't breathe, is utterly bizarre.

eddielizzard Sat 05-Mar-16 11:58:43

you have to make him.

go out tomorrow 9am. come back 6pm.

CocktailQueen Sat 05-Mar-16 11:59:01

Why are you with him? Sounds awful. You can either call him on it each time, just laugh at him, make other arrangements and ignore him, or leave him.

So he wants you to celebrate his bday but us I'll each time fit yours?so, next time it's a day for him, you take to your bed and pretend to be ill, or just say you'll do for him just what he did for you, so it's fair.

Spandexpants007 Sat 05-Mar-16 11:59:43

Start going to bed on his special days. Tell him your making it quits. Or better still give him the push

Palomb Sat 05-Mar-16 12:01:14

I couldn't live with such a pathetic person.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 05-Mar-16 12:06:55

I would commiserate with his illness and tell him its ok, you can postpone mothers day to next week and he can spoil you even more than he had originally planned to make up for it. Then make sure he does. If he doesn't then you've got your answer loud and clear.

GigiB Sat 05-Mar-16 12:07:31

If you love him and kids love him, and you're going to stay with him, just make plans with friends on your birthday/occassions.

Say to him 'i'm going out with so and so to celebrate so you can look after kids'

Then he won't be able to ruin it for you. Mothers day just book a spa and let him get on with it.

expatinscotland Sat 05-Mar-16 12:13:42

If you take to your bed he'll just come and annoy you. So make plans and go out.

BreakfastLunchPasta Sat 05-Mar-16 12:14:56

Wow, he sounds like a big baby.
Make wonderfully fun plans that don't include him. I suggest you and the DC go out all day tomorrow and do lovely things together. Don't let him ruin it for you.
On your birthday etc, plan big nights out with all your friends. Maybe even weekends away.. He can babysit.

RubyRoseViolet Sat 05-Mar-16 12:15:13

My ex was the same anandale, you describe the frustrations brilliantly!

I suggest, as others have, showing this behaviour up for what it really is. Also having a really honest talk about it, how much it upsets you, why does he think he does it etc?

JanetOfTheApes Sat 05-Mar-16 12:17:40

You love him? Why, fgs, when he clearly doesn't think much of you?

abbsismyhero Sat 05-Mar-16 12:18:49

i would just take the kids out myself and sod him

ive had this with an ex dp my best day was when i "forgot" to tell him an event was coming up then when his parents came over (we were driving convoy at my suggestion) i was ready i told them we were just waiting for x he was pissed at me for not telling him! however he couldn't say shit in front of his mom and dad

abbsismyhero Sat 05-Mar-16 12:20:14

If you take to your bed he'll just come and annoy you. So make plans and go out

doorstop under the door stops this shit headphones stops you being bothered by the noise he is bound to make too

Cacofonix Sat 05-Mar-16 12:20:42

FFS call him out on it. It's incredibly pathetic of him and also very manipulative. How can you put up wit this sort of behaviour? If I was in your shoes I would say something along the lines of 'seeing as its mother's day/my birthday/special day for me tomorrow and you will pretend to be ill as usual; I'm buggering off to spa/shopping and lunch with friend/relaxing child free activity and I suggest you take a couple of nurofen and get on with dealing with the kids'.

The problem with people like this is we are always so polite/play the game that we never call them out on it and they actually think we haven't clocked them. Same for people who never buy a round of drinks etc. Say it as it is and let him realise how pathetic he is!

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