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AIBU to hope someone here can say something reassuring?

(27 Posts)
Nicebucket Sat 05-Mar-16 07:04:37

Without going into massive detail I went out with two friends today both of whom have recently broken up with their girlfriends. It was for a short while after work, just to cheer them up and catch up a little bit.

To make things slightly complicated, I have a bit of a history with both of them. One of them is a very close friend who confessed his feelings for me last year. I didn't return the feelings then and I said no. We have continued to be friends (with a few bumps along the road) and just as luck would have it, recently I have started having very strong feelings for this guy.

The other friend, well, he's awfully attractive and charming I've always had a bit of a crush on him.

There's always a bit of banter and some harmless flirting between us, but obviously nothing serious.

I've been single for years (details on that are for another thread) and they keep asking me why.

Well, one of the reasons is that I don't want children. I might consider adoption but I've always felt that the whole biological experience is just not for me. They don't know this, but I've been sexually abused in the past and among other issues, that's manifested into a massive fear of pregnancy and childbirth.

But anyway, this considerably reduces the pool of men out there for me, since most of them want biological kids.


Both of them spent the evening telling me I'd change my mind, how important it was to spread your genes from an evolutionary perspective, and how I needed to "grow some balls" and stop being so afraid of something women do all the time.

They basically also said I wouldn't find anyone who was ok with adopting kids unless it was an absolute last resort.

They said they personally couldn't ever love a child that wasn't their own.

One of them confessed he'd broken up with his gf because she actually found out she can't have kids.

I have mixed feelings about the whole night.

They've kind of re-iterated my fears of never being able to find someone given my issues.

I'm also quite career obsessed, and while it's entirely possible to do both, I'm much happier keeping focus on my job. I've always been very ambitious and I want to see myself progressing in my job. I know loads of women do both, but I don't really think I want to.

I'm not entirely sure how to handle my conflicting emotions on this.

ineedamoreadultieradult Sat 05-Mar-16 07:15:36

So they are not the men for you relationship wise, it doesn't mean he is not out there you just need to keep looking.

Euphemia Sat 05-Mar-16 07:18:11

They're not good friends, never mind potential partners!

Your views are perfectly reasonable. No one has the right to criticise or try to persuade you to change.

I'd drop these "friends" and move on.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Mar-16 07:19:29

You are overthinking this, plenty men available who don't want children.

You need not pay attention to these two males view of the world!!

MintyBojingles Sat 05-Mar-16 07:22:04

So they will remain just friends. There are people who don't want kids, men included, and some men who know they can't have kids naturally, I know a couple childless couples who never wanted kids, so it can happen. Keep looking, I hope you find the right guy.

Jollyphonics Sat 05-Mar-16 07:24:23

In my experience there are loads of men around who don't want kids, loads.

Nicebucket Sat 05-Mar-16 07:26:59

I know people say I have to keep looking, but I'm 26 and never been in a serious relationship. I haven't had sex in more than five years.

I'm just so fed up of being alone now.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 05-Mar-16 07:27:19

There are masses of men who don't want kids. Masses. Or you might be a wonderful, loving stepmother to someone else's DC as someone's second marriage.

Your body, your choice. These two men are not for you but they aren't 'all men' or even particularly representative. You'll be fine.

Nicebucket Sat 05-Mar-16 07:27:41

Jollyphonics- where are these men?! I literally don't find them anywhere.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 05-Mar-16 07:30:43

Have you had any therapy for your past experiences?

I'm not suggesting this to 'cure' you of your reluctance to have children but if you haven't it might help if (for example) you struggle to trust people in intimate relationships.

Nicebucket Sat 05-Mar-16 07:43:51

I have had counselling, yes. It's helped me to get over any issues with sex, I'm totally ok with that now. But the fear of pregnancy and birth is still the same.

rosieliveson1 Sat 05-Mar-16 07:48:37

I'm sorry you've had awful experiences flowers
these are not true friends. True friends do not feel the need to 'fix' you.
I have a make friend who is 32 and never in a long term relationship. He doesn't want children. He likes them but doesn't want his own. Not adopted, not biological. He just doesn't want children. He finds this a massive barrier to finding someone. I also know a married couple who are planning to adopt to start a family. Neither want to procreate and want to adopt a child.
You're not the only one.

Believeitornot Sat 05-Mar-16 07:49:14

Honestly you don't always find out people's intentions re future families until you know them well. They might say they want children because they think it's the right thing to say.

Can you just get out there, meet someone and see where it takes you? You're so young! Thought you were going to say you were in your 40s.

I will add, I suffered from sexual abuse as a child but went on to have two DCs. I did have some issues when DC was born and breastfeeding but I was ok.

Chocolatestain Sat 05-Mar-16 07:50:06

I agree that there are plenty of men out there who don't want kids, and that your 'friends' have no right to bully you over such a personal issue. It's perfectly acceptable to not want children and you don't need to justify that decision.
Reading between the lines, could it be that your history of abuse is causing you to put up subconscious barriers to being in a relationship and the issue of children is a bit of an excuse for being single? Not trying to psychoanalyse you, just putting forward a suggestion in case it's something you hadn't considered.
For what it's worth, I think your friends were quite out of order here. Do you have someone a bit kinder you could talk all this over with? flowers

Chocolatestain Sat 05-Mar-16 07:52:11

Sorry, cross post. Wasn't sure if you'd had any counselling, but I see you have.

pinkdelight Sat 05-Mar-16 07:52:35

I've also met several guys who actively didn't want kids. One had a vasectomy in his 30s just to be unequivocal. He was an academic type who was fully satisfied with his career, girlfriend and cats.

Mind you, I think it'd be harder to find guys who have even made a decision on this in their 20s. While of course it's good to discuss these issues if, say, you're getting engaged to someone, I wouldn't have thought it's worth bringing up early on in a 20s relationship where you should just be enjoying each other's company and seeing how things go. And certainly not in chats with guys before you've even decided to go out together. Surely this can't be the reason why you've had no relationships between age 21 and 26? If it is, then I'd second the counselling suggestion because it sounds like the issue is affecting your life way beyond whether you want ultimately kids or not.

pinkdelight Sat 05-Mar-16 07:54:28

Also cross-posted on counselling, but like Chocolatestain, I think there may be more to be dealt with here.

GloGirl Sat 05-Mar-16 07:58:02

They don't sound like nice friends. You want kids or you don't, they should be trying to convince you that you should do what everyone else wants just because they want it.

It's going to sound like crap but I will say it anyway, you are only 25 and the pool of men you have met so far is still small. By the time you're 30 it'll be wider again, more so if you use something like a dating website or make more effort to socialise in clubs and sporting activities.

You have at least 10 years to put thr thoughts of having children to one side so don't even spend any time thinking whether or not 'no kids' is the right decision for you. You have a lot of time, the opinions you make today won't effect your thoughts forever.

Not having children or adopting them is more unusual, but it's not weird and it's not a deal breaker for a lot of men.

Spend a bit more time working on 'you' and your happiness for he next couple of years and the right men will follow (not the dickheads from last night!!)

IcingandSlicing Sat 05-Mar-16 08:00:52

I am sorry but I don't agree with the people who say these are not true friends.
1. What kind of black and white world you're living in?
2. OP said they don't know about her situation, so if you're not aware discussing children and relationship is perfectly fine. They were trying to give her their insight on that.

Sorry about your negative experience OP and glad you had counselling and overcome it.
Childbirth is not that awful as it may seem, and you can always opt for a Cesarian.
What is scary is living and breathing for your kids for the rest of your life.
Don't get pushed into it if you feel you don't want to take such a responsibility yet. It's perfectly fine.

IcingandSlicing Sat 05-Mar-16 08:02:22

Your opinion is different than mine is not how we decide who is friend or not.
(Unless you're in Primary.)

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sat 05-Mar-16 08:12:20

I know a lot more men who don't want kids than women. Especially men in their thirties. (Where having kids is a bit more "real".)

I also know a lot of men who already have a child or children but their relationship didn't work out and now they don't want any more. But would like a relationship. They find it very hard to meet someone new.

How does being a step mother sound to you rather than an adoptive mother?

Euphemia Sat 05-Mar-16 08:18:29

Icing This is horrible for anyone to say to a woman: "I needed to "grow some balls" and stop being so afraid of something women do all the time", but especially from men.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 05-Mar-16 08:23:53

I certainly think men have no place being dismissive to a woman about having children. It's not their body that will grow, expel and feed the baby!

If they knew that before they could become dads they'd have to shit a pineapple I doubt they'd be quite so blasé hmm

GloGirl Sat 05-Mar-16 09:17:59

I'd really hate to sit down with my friends and say "I've decided I want to be a nurse" and have them spend the rest of the evening telling me I was wrong (unless of course they were nurses)

I could understand a short "if you are a nurse now you don't have to be one in 10 years" but to spend the time telling her she was wrong because it didn't fit their ideal of what a woman should do, no.

Nicebucket Sat 05-Mar-16 15:54:44

Well, I can't help but think that these guys are both maybe slight chauvinists.

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