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AIBU to need to rest after nan's funeral?

(100 Posts)
Hollimum Fri 04-Mar-16 09:22:02

OK, basically it was my nan's funeral yesterday. DH took the day off to look after DD6 and DS2. I went with my sister and everything was fine, but obviously I was quite emotional. As is typical of my family, the wake turned into a piss-up and I ended up coming home late, drunk and highly emotional. The DH had the following day (today) off because of his shift patterns. I asked last night before retiring to bed for him to please try not to wake me in the morning, knowing I'd be hungover and tired. However this morning got woken up by DH shouting down the stairs to the kids, then stomping around like a baby elephant and finally almost literally jumping back into bed while he ran a bath, followed by his alarm going off very loudly. I said in the most neutral voice I could manage 'remember I asked you not to wake me up this morning?' to which I got the reply ' I'm really tired too, I didn't get to sleep last night until 2am' so after that I ended up getting up to help him get the kids ready and as we were doing that DH said I'll need a nap today, I'm really tired' shock. AIBU to expect my DH to be a bit more considerate based on the fact that yesterday was a really hard day for me?

CalleighDoodle Fri 04-Mar-16 09:26:46

He should be emotionally considerate of the fact you were at a family funeral. But no, your whole family shouldnt be getting ready as silently as possible because youve got a hangover. why was he awake until two? Dis you keep or wake him up?

VertigoNun Fri 04-Mar-16 09:29:24

His little ploy worked. He sun's like a knob, and you sound conditioned to it.

Hollimum Fri 04-Mar-16 09:34:44

I did not keep him up til 2, I was in bed by 11.30, he just said 'he couldn't sleep'. I got drunk as it was my way of dealing / coping with the emotion of the day. Not something I would do normally.

Katenka Fri 04-Mar-16 09:36:28

The other side to this coin would be

'My dh went to his nana funeral yesterday. I stayed home with the kids. He got pissed came home and decided he had to sleep in to get over the trauma of it and had a go because I wasn't quiet enough getting the kids ready this morning'

I don't think mn would be very sympathetic to the dh.

stinkysnowbear Fri 04-Mar-16 09:37:09

He's an insensitive wanker.

ShesGotLionsInHerHeart Fri 04-Mar-16 09:37:37

I dunno, I wouldn't expect not to be woken. I'd definitely be playing second fiddle in the parenting stakes, and might just lie in bed amusing the toddler, but I think expecting radio silence is a bit much.

I'm sure it was a hard day, and I'm sorry for your loss. flowers But family life has a way of sweeping bad feelings aside for a wee while, so if it were me I'd get up and on with it.

Oogle Fri 04-Mar-16 09:38:37

YANBU that you need to rest after your Nan's funeral - my Grandads funeral was held recently and I was emotionally drained afterwards.

However, it sounds like you actually needed the rest because you got pissed, in which case YABatinybitU.

Sorry for your loss though.

CalleighDoodle Fri 04-Mar-16 09:40:27

'As typical of my family' sounds more like the excessive drinking is quite normal. Getting drunk doesnt help you deal with the difficult emotions, it stops you from having to deal with them at the time. It really isnt a good solution / method.

i do think you shouldnt have got up to help though. He is an adult, of course he is capable of getting his own children ready for school.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 04-Mar-16 09:40:35

You needed a nap not because you were emotional but because you chose to get pissed. Family life doesn't stop because you choose to get pissed.

I'm sure it was a difficult day for you, and I'm not unsympathetic to the grief part, but you're being very disingenuous in your OP claiming to want "rest after the funeral" when that's not what we're actually talking about.

MadHattersWineParty Fri 04-Mar-16 09:44:35

It's more rest to get over a hangover isn't it though? And I'm sympathetic to your emotional trauma but I do think it was a choice to get drunk and therefore feel ropey and tired today.

I'm sure he was capable of getting the kids ready but I think general family noise would probably have woken you regardless.

AugustaFinkNottle Fri 04-Mar-16 09:45:20

But you don't need to rest because of the funeral, do you? You need to rest because you got pissed.

I had to go to work the day after my Dad's funeral. I came close to turning round and going back because I was crying so much, but for various reasons I just had no choice. I coped. So I'm afraid I find it very difficult to get worked up on your behalf.

SleepyBoBo Fri 04-Mar-16 09:45:51

Hmm, I wouldn't be impressed if my partner went to a funeral and came home pissed to be honest. I would be totally sympathetic to your loss, but there is a line. I think you were both unreasonable - he houldn't have been so childish, you shouldn't expect people to tip-toe around your hangover. Wouldn't say he's a wanker, you did have a tough day regardless but there is nothing worse than putting up with a drunk/hungover person when you have to carry on with day to day things yourself.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Fri 04-Mar-16 09:46:56

I'm sorry for your loss.

From what you've said, you wanted to rest because of the hangover, not because of grief. It's fair enough to arrange to take a bit of a back seat if you're feeling emotionally drained, but it's not really reasonable to expect everyone to stay silent in the morning because you've drank too much the night before.

Hollimum Fri 04-Mar-16 09:47:33

OK, so we both are tired and both feel like we need to rest (sleep) today, but basically I've lost the moral high ground now because I got drunk yesterday? So DH should get his nap? Obviously there is also the fact I still feel highly emotional today so may not be able to think as clearly as I normally would.

ShesGotLionsInHerHeart Fri 04-Mar-16 09:50:10

You could both have a nap at different times?

What is it with adults napping? I don't get it! Just...stay awake until the next night, it's only one day!

Katenka Fri 04-Mar-16 09:52:31

Take it turns of having a nap.

Tbh I would be really annoyed at dh if he went to a funeral came home pissed, when I had the kids all day then demanded we get ready silently while he slept it off.

I would be sympathetic to his loss but not to his actions.

Hollimum Fri 04-Mar-16 09:52:43

Should also add that 'the typical of my family', doesn't actually mean typical of me. Plus I am aware that getting drunk isn't a great method to deal with things but I just couldn't cope yesterday.

SleepyBoBo Fri 04-Mar-16 09:54:33

It's not about the 'moral high ground' - two different things happened yesterday. Your nan's furneral was tough, that is understandable and requires his support. The fact you got drunk negates that though - it was something you chose to do, and that means having to deal with family noise when you are feeling rubbish. He nor anyone else should behave like mice in church because you got pissed and knew you were going to feel it today.

ouryve Fri 04-Mar-16 09:55:30

I'm sorry for your loss, but you really do need to suck up the hangover.

PitPatKitKat Fri 04-Mar-16 09:55:58

Sorry your nan died hollimum flowers.

I think you deserve a bit of leeway in the circumstances.

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 04-Mar-16 09:57:30

I am sorry for your loss but part of your fragility today is because of your hangover. It seems like part of your DH's need for a nap is because he had to watch his own DCs yesterday hmm so I'd say you both stay awake. Nobody gets a nap.Everybody gets to cuddle up on the sofa with a film and have a lazy day.

Hollimum Fri 04-Mar-16 09:58:17

OK so basically I shouldn't have got drunk. Getting the impression now that Mumsnetters are all saints who all deal with their grief in healthy and positive ways and get up and carry on with life like it's a breeze even when they are grieving?

Katenka Fri 04-Mar-16 09:59:34

Getting the impression now that Mumsnetters are all saints who all deal with their grief in healthy and positive ways and get up and carry on with life like it's a breeze even when they are grieving?

no one said that

Noeuf Fri 04-Mar-16 10:00:23

Napping is weird though. I'm sorry about your grandmother but napping is for toddlers.

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