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own family v in-laws

(42 Posts)
vdbfamily Thu 03-Mar-16 20:45:01

AIBU in thinking that it is normal for daughters to have a closer type of relationship with their mums than sons as adults and therefore unrealistic for d-i-l's to be expecting that the family dynamics be the same for all the families. For example, when I had my babies at home pre school, I often used to bundle them into the car and go and spend the day nattering to my mum. Sometimes my mum used to let me know if one of my S-I-L's was coming and I'd go up so the kids could play together which they always loved and still do.
One of my S-I-L's once asked me not to come when she was there because she wanted her children to have quality time with their grandparents. She felt my kids got more time with them. The mad thing about this is although my parents love the grand-kids they have never been very hands on and if you ever left the kids with them you knew they would be fed and watered but spend the rest of the time playing in the garden or house pretty much unsupervised.
There are threads where women moan about their mother-in-laws not doing this and that and treating their children differently to other grandchildren but I would like to bet the difference is mostly between daughters and sons and because married sons often spend less time with their parents than married daughters,it makes it hard for the dynamics to be equal.Does that make sense.(even if a bit of a generalisation!)

redskytonight Thu 03-Mar-16 20:51:21

So to recap- your SIL would like her DC to have as much time with their grandparents as yours do (and is actively trying to make this happen) - and you think this is unreasonable?

EatShitDerek Thu 03-Mar-16 20:51:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElasticPants Thu 03-Mar-16 20:53:15

I have the opposite. Dh is closer to his mum than his sister, and our DC spend more time with gps than hers do.

HanYOLO Thu 03-Mar-16 20:56:13

That is a wild generalisation.

And I don't think it at all unreasonable that your SIL wanted to visit without you there, on occasion.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 03-Mar-16 20:56:53

Not quite sure what you are asking.

I tended to see my mum when dc were small because I just wanted to spend time with my mum.

I wouldn't have spent the day with my mil, but would make frequent visits with Dh at the weekends when he wasn't working.

Having sons I don't like the fact that women with babies would naturally want to be with their own mums, but in general I think that's the way it is.

lem73 Thu 03-Mar-16 21:03:56

I think your SIL is not unreasonable at all in her request. In my case my dh's sil turns up whenever we visit my pils so we never spend time at the house without sil and her dcs being there. It has become very annoying so I totally understand why your SIL has said that. I feel from your Op that you kind of think because your dm and you have a close relationship it's ok for you to be omnipresent. I would resent that.

ZiggyFartdust Thu 03-Mar-16 21:18:45

You want us to tell you that its ok for your mother to favour your children over the other children, and that you are clearly more important than your brothers.

Nope. Not going to happen.

Pooseyfrumpture Thu 03-Mar-16 21:19:00

My SIL used to turn up whenever we were at MIL's. Sometimes she'd even turn up, dump the kids and go. The same kids MIL minded every weekday and wanted a break from, so refused to look after at the weekend. But it was OK, we could do it hmm Well no because we'd just driven for 2.5 hours and had another 2.5 hour journey home to look forward to and now we had two extra kids we didn't have enough space in the car to take MIL out for lunch or to the park for some fresh air..... Or she'd stay and her and MIL would talk to her kids and not ours and we'd be thinking why had we bothered to drive all the way if we were just disturbing them.

ThedementedPenguin Thu 03-Mar-16 21:19:25

I can really understand were your SIL is coming from. I have this exact issue but with my own mum. She can't come see us with inviting my sister to my house with her kids. She can't do anything with us without inviting her along. She goes shopping and all sorts with my sister without us but that's life. It is extremely annoying as when we are all together my kids end up in the background as my niece takes over and if she doesn't get her own way she goes nuts.

I would love to have some alone time (meaning me and DC) with my mum but it doesn't seem likely, and on the odd occasion it happens it's a quick call in on the way home from my sisters house to make things 'fair'.

What helps me the most is my ILs. They are fantastic and my MIL is amazing. I can rely on her for anything, I see more of my ILs than I do my family and without them I wouldn't be able to cope as much as I do.

Micah Thu 03-Mar-16 21:20:24

Nope, not here.

Depends on the people involved. Mil loves kids, loves being involved, and has a close relationship with dh. Like you, if he has a day off he'll often take the kids to his mums.

I dont get on so well with my mum, she doesnt particularly like spending time with children. She gets on far better with my sister, lives closer, and sees her and her dc a lot, and is quite involved with childcare etc.

My mil treats her gdc differently because she is in different life stages. She was very involved in her dd's dc, as she was a single working mum. By the time our kids came along, fil had retired, so not as much disposable income (they paid sil's private school fees and holidays, for example), and are now simply older so cant do our childcare, so i wouldnt ask.

EweAreHere Thu 03-Mar-16 21:32:02

OP, do you have boys and are you planning not to see them if/when they grow up and have families of their own?

If not, please stop defending and acting like women who act like their family's relationship with 'their' families is more important than their family's relationship with their husband's family.

sleeponeday Thu 03-Mar-16 21:37:10

I think it's lovely that your SIL is so committed to fostering close ties between your mum and her children, actually. And there would probably be a lot of complaints from your side if she weren't, no?

You will inevitably be closer to your mother than your SIL is, as she isn't her mother. But your mum nattering to you while the cousins play doesn't allow your mum time to spend exclusively on her gc, which is why your SIL sends them.

I'd agree to back off in your position. Your SIL wants something nice for her children and your mum - why not go with it?

YoJesse Thu 03-Mar-16 21:38:40

My mother in law has seen my son once over Christmas made some quick excuses and left. Never calls. She looks after sis In laws kids every week. I think you've got a point.

Griphook Thu 03-Mar-16 21:39:19

Isn't it the case that women tend to have more time to visit their mum due to mat leave. Where as the father often only get two weeks off.
It does seem at bit unfair that the person on Mat leave can visit their family thoughout the week, but the person whose working only has the weekend and this is often ear marked for 'family time' going by so many Mn threads

Nanny0gg Thu 03-Mar-16 21:41:56

Sometimes my mum used to let me know if one of my S-I-L's was coming and I'd go up so the kids could play together which they always loved and still do.

That's nice. Was your SiL happy with that? No...

maybebabybee Thu 03-Mar-16 21:43:53

I'm way closer to my mum but my family in general are a lot closer than dp's family. Just the way it is. DP chooses to spend Xmas, for example, with my family over his. He did with his previous partner too though. His parents sort of just do their own thing. We still include them we're just not as close to them.

BarbarianMum Thu 03-Mar-16 21:49:00

Luckily dh is one of 2 brothers so our kids don't have to be second best and neither do my SiL or myself hmm

vdbfamily Thu 03-Mar-16 21:52:52

I do not think I anywhere said that my parents are closer to my children or prefer them. In fact they see far more of 2 of my brothers kids, one brothers marriage ended and so they took on quite alot of childcare for his 4 kids and another brother has older kids who take themselves regularly to see grandparents. I just find it annoying when in one breath someone moans that they do not want their in-laws to visit their new born grandchild for weeks because they would prefer to just have their parents there, and in another breath moan that their DH is bottom of the pile because his sister gets more attention from the parents.(this might vaguely be a TAAT but is a recurring theme) It is not realistic to think that your relationship with your in-laws will necessarily be the same as with your parents. (although I do know that there are many instances of it being better where the parental relationship has not been good)
I guess the point with my SIL was that it was always very competitive, to the point where I got told off for getting pregnant one time because it was 'her turn'. The kids all loved playing together and are still really close years later and they did not give a fig about QT with G & G they wanted to have fun with their cousins in the garden. It does not always have to be such a competition.I would seldom arrange to visit my parents.I just go when I get the chance. It reached a stage where if I saw her car there I would just turn round and leave or I would get grief. That made me a bit sad really.
Also, seeing alot of my parents never made my kids favoured,if anything the opposite. I sit and listen endlessly to stories about all the other GCC and their wonderful achievements, and receive plenty of unwarranted advice about how I could improve my own kids behaviour etc.

Junosmum Thu 03-Mar-16 21:53:15

I'm not close to my mum. DH is much closer to his mum. Both parents live about 2 hours away, so it isn't much of an issue. Even if I lived round the corner from either, I wouldn't just pop round for a natter, DH would however.

vdbfamily Thu 03-Mar-16 21:58:02

I should add that this is sort of historic really. Said SIL has since left my brother and the kids are all teenagers.
I do have a son and of course I hope to remain close to him but I think that ongoing relationship often depends on who the son marries. If he marries someone who decides to make the relationship a competition with MIL then it can become very difficult for some men.Hopefully this will not be the case.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 03-Mar-16 22:00:34

MIL has nephew after school and all day/overnight on a Saturday - yet every time we visit (3 hour drive) SIL drops him off and he gets full on attention - to the exclusion of our DC

Their choice - it's annoying when the kids ask and we have no answers -

They go the play with the Lego and "that's DN Lego" or they "DN" bedroom - they don't have anything at GP and they just rub it in!!!

Who knows why they do this - but as DC are older they want less to do with them -

CauliflowerBalti Thu 03-Mar-16 22:07:20

I don't even understand the question...

vdbfamily Thu 03-Mar-16 22:08:06

I also am not saying that our family units relationship with my parents is more important than with DH's parents, but I am the one in our relationship who has to nag DH to make any contact with his parents at all. They were NC for 12 years and he would have just let that be their choice but I nagged and nagged and nagged the poor man and eventually there was reconcilliation and we are seeing them regularly again.
Maybe that is part of my problem. I come from a large extended family and we don't tend to do things 1 - 1. With my brothers, they would always say when they would be at mum and dads and expect us all to be there so we could catch up and the kids would play. It was just this one SIL who wanted the 1-1 time, and now she has left the relationship her kids get massive amounts of QT with their grandparents ironically.

vdbfamily Thu 03-Mar-16 22:11:44

Cauliflower, I think it is more of a musing than a question and probably not an AIBU but I could not see where else to put it.
Still, it is always interesting to get different perspectives and I guess all families are very different and very complex really so generalisations are maybe not helpful!?

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