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To ask my friend to come without her baby

(106 Posts)
Laptopontable Thu 03-Mar-16 18:57:57

I'm currently struggling terribly with depression/anxiety during my third pregnancy. I'm not taking my medication as there are contraindications so as you can imagine I'm not always thinking rationally hence why I'd like an unbiased opinion. I am however seeing all the relevant professionals very regularly.
Anyway, the last week or so has been particularly difficult and I have found myself cutting people out, in particular one of my closest friends. She hasn't really seen me like this before as I'm normally on medication which controls the depression and we weren't as close during my previous pregnancies. I haven't really told her how bad I'm feeling, although she does have some idea that I'm not great at the moment. I really would like to see her, however she will definately bring her 5month old baby with her. For want of a better explanation, I really cannot find the strength to coo and fuss over the baby and really don't want the anxiety afterwards over the guilt that I didn't. I would just like an adult conversation about something other than babies at the moment seeing as my pregnancy is the cause of most of my anxiety.
Does that sound terrible and unreasonable?
How could I ask her to come without him?
Sorry it's long!

LaurieFairyCake Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:14

You can't.

thanks

PotteringAlong Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:46

It depends on lots of factors. Childcare? Feeding? You can ask, but don't be surprised if the answer is no. At 5 months I couldn't leave mine in the week as if DH was at work there was no one to look after them.

bornwithaplasticspoon Thu 03-Mar-16 19:00:48

Yanbu. I'm sure if you call her and explain she will understand flowers

PotteringAlong Thu 03-Mar-16 19:01:33

And actually, if it was bottle refusing DS2 I couldn't have come at the weekend either!

limon Thu 03-Mar-16 19:01:41

I don't think you can sorry. so sorry you're having such a hard time.

Katenka Thu 03-Mar-16 19:02:04

You can't do that. Well you could, but I wouldn't.

I would tell her that you are struggling and not arrange to meet up.

You would have to tell her how much you are struggling anyway, to ask her not to bring your baby.

Sorry you are having a difficult time

Guitargirl Thu 03-Mar-16 19:02:52

I was exclusively bf at 5 months so I could have left my baby for maybe 2 hours tops.

Do you know what her childcare and feeding situation is?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 03-Mar-16 19:03:07

Could you see her in the evening so her DP could babysit?

I don't think you can ask her not to bring him if it's daytime.

Does the baby have a longish nap in the middle of the day? If so could you meet up then so you don't have to interact much with the baby. Maybe take some lunch to share?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 03-Mar-16 19:03:19

Really difficult, I think you probably have to postpone her visit and explain that you don't have the emotional energy to see her with the baby. Hope she offers to come alone, but I don't think you can ask for it.Tread carefully, there's a real risk you'll offend her.

Acunningruse Thu 03-Mar-16 19:03:43

Really sorry you are struggling at the moment and glad you are getting some help. I'm not sure you can ask your friend to do this, unless you are meeting at a time (eg evening) when she would be able to get her other half to look after the baby. But if shes breastfeeding this may not be an option.
Instead could you text or email her boyfriend saying, im having a few issues at the moment which ill explain when we see each other, but just to let you know I might not be my usual self. I think that might pre-warn her that you won't be fussing over baby.

MooPointCowsOpinion Thu 03-Mar-16 19:05:21

I don't think you can either. Sorry you're having a tough time, if you were my friend and said 'can we meet up? I'm having an awful time, please can we have a chat' and then I turned up with my baby in tow, I would not care if you didn't fuss over the baby! Some people aren't baby coo-ers, myself included, we are still allowed to be around them!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Thu 03-Mar-16 19:05:51

You can't ask her, though you may want to.

Just focus on taking care of yourself and the baby flowers

Disastronaut Thu 03-Mar-16 19:06:52

Could you possibly email her and lay it out like you have here? If she's a true friend she'll understand and sympathise.

She may not be able to leave the baby elsewhere, and tbh you probably shouldn't ask, but I'm sure she would be fine with you not cooing and fussing over it while you feel so bad.

Sorry you're going through this.

KitKat1985 Thu 03-Mar-16 19:06:53

I don't think you can ask her not to bring the baby. I think a better idea is to text her and let her know that you are quite poorly right now and not in a great state of mind, and although you would like to see her she may have to do so on a 'take me as I am' basis, and warn her you may not be at your best.

Laptopontable Thu 03-Mar-16 19:06:53

Thank you for the kind words.
I know she isn't breast feeding and could (and has) leave baby with her husband in the evening.
Having read my post back it sounds really awful. I do genuinely care about the baby, I'm finding it hard to fuss over my children!

Disastronaut Thu 03-Mar-16 19:08:12

You don't sound awful at all! You're just having a really rough time and trying to get through it. It's ok.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 03-Mar-16 19:09:43

I'm sorry, you're not feeling at your best.
To be honest with you. I would not be pleased if my friend said "Oh come over, but don't bring your baby". I'm a love me. Love my child person, as I suppose most mums are. You just can't do that to people, op. It's not nice. Your friend won't see it like that " Oh you have your reasons. All she'll see is. That you don't want her baby there, and her mama bear insticts will come out. They're bound to, it's only natural, mine would, yours would
and Put it this way, she'll be fussing over you and your pregnancy, surley you can manage a smile for her baby, it won't hurt you.
Hope Ive not came over as too harsh

dementedpixie Thu 03-Mar-16 19:10:09

Some anti depressants are safe during pregnancy, have you been offered any of them?

FlightofFancy Thu 03-Mar-16 19:10:13

Going against the grain, but I think you could ask, as long as you phrase it right. I've got a 6 month old, and if I thought a friend needed support then I'd rather not take her anyway as I find it hard to give as much attention as I'd want to.

MatildaTheCat Thu 03-Mar-16 19:10:20

You can ask but only if you explain and make it clear that you totally understand that she probably can't do this. Perhaps phrase it along the lines of feeling very fragile and needing some adult time without the DC. Could you cope with her baby sleeping or not at all?

Hope you feel much better soon and we'll done for not just going to ground and isolating yourself.

RandomMess Thu 03-Mar-16 19:11:26

I think if you phrase it carefully then it really should be ok

"Hi, I'm really struggling with my depression at the moment, I would love love love to spend some child free time with you - could you do x time when your dh is home to look after baby? Will explain more when I see you"

I suggest you go out somewhere not child orientated. She may quite happy to have "adult" time too

Primaryteach87 Thu 03-Mar-16 19:11:36

I think if you sent her a message that explained e.g I'm current in quite a bad way and suffering from a lot of anxiety. I would love to see you but can't cope with seeing xxxbaby, although she is gorgeous. See what she says. She might offer to come alone. Or she might bring baby but be totally understanding of your lack of interest or she might not come and suggest a telephone catch up instead.

ridemesideways Thu 03-Mar-16 19:14:18

Hey friend, fancy coming over for a child-free catch up one evening?

Or if you must be in the presence of a wee one, you don't need to coo & fuss over it? Say you think you're coming down with a cold so will keep your distance...

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