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AIBU to get all of Mothers' Day with my kids?

(21 Posts)
MariaTheNun Thu 03-Mar-16 09:06:43

Ex DH hates me. I bend over backwards to accommodate him in the hope that things between us will improve. He is selfish and self centred.
He works away and has the kids every second weekend; Saturday morning until late Sunday afternoon. This often changes depending on his work and social arrangements.
This weekend he is working so he is having them on Friday after school to Saturday lunchtime.
But he is insisting on having flying back here and having them for four hours on Sunday afternoon which is Mother's Day! I have told him this is unfair and unreasonable and he says that is it his weekend and he will do what he likes.
I keep crying. Partly because I will have to spend the afternoon on my own and miss the kids, partly because I feel powerless, partly because it is so unfair and partly because he hates me so much that he would do this.
AIBU? Do I get a grip and suck it up? Or am I justified to just say no?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Thu 03-Mar-16 09:08:04

What happens on Father's Day? Does he get them if it's not his weekend?

araiba Thu 03-Mar-16 09:09:15

get a grip and suck it up

MariaTheNun Thu 03-Mar-16 09:09:28

He has always had them on Father's Day.
He is getting them Fri-Sat instead of Sat-Sun so not missing out at all

MrsRaegan Thu 03-Mar-16 09:11:50

Araiba rude much? hmm

OP YANBU especially if it's not actually his usual day. What would happen if you just said no?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 03-Mar-16 09:11:51

Well stop bending over backwards for a start - he is never going to be reasonable as he's fundamentally a fucking arsehole.

Stick to your agreement, never change it. Don't discuss it. Ignore all communication that is insulting.

MrsAmaretto Thu 03-Mar-16 09:12:06

Just say no, you've made plans and are all ready accommodating his change to the agreement. Do it in an email, go out on Sunday.

FigMango1 Thu 03-Mar-16 09:12:34

I don't think Yabu but it is his weekend so he can make this difficult if he chooses. If he was a good dad he would realize that the kids would want to be with their mum on MD.

MrsJayy Thu 03-Mar-16 09:12:37

He is being an arse and you should tell him to get knotted he is seeing them fri sat now has insisted sunday too you need a proper arrangement

PaulAnkaTheDog Thu 03-Mar-16 09:13:06

Araiba and why did you think that was an appropriate response?!

araiba Thu 03-Mar-16 09:16:58

did you read the op?

They were her exact words

AIBU? Do I get a grip and suck it up? Or am I justified to just say no?

DelphiniumBlue Thu 03-Mar-16 09:18:48

How about" we're already booked for Sunday, but will be back about x o'clock, you can pick them up then.."
And make sure you are out, in fact book a night away somewhere as a treat.

Arfarfanarf Thu 03-Mar-16 09:25:27

What about texting him or emailing him something along the lines of fair enough, if you prefer the arrangement to not have the flexibility to accomodate special occasions we shall also treat fathers day in the same way. In the past i have changed access to accomodate that but since it is not your preference that we do this for each other, i will no longer do it. We can go to court for a formal arrangement.

If he wants to be an arse he shouldnt get to be one unchallenged!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 03-Mar-16 09:26:37

Reply and say "brilliant - so you will be here by 3pm? Will book my nails for 3:30pm. So lovely to have a few hours to pamper myself for Mother's Day"

NeedACleverNN Thu 03-Mar-16 09:26:56

I would normally say sorry you need to suck it up. You have the children every day apart from the occasional weekend. You can handle one day that is Mother's Day. Arrange it for a weekend you have them.

However he is unfair in that your Mother's Day gets cut short yet he gets full Father's Day.

Send him an email and give him an option. Let you have them all day Mother's Day or you won't accommodate him Father's Day. Especially if it's your weekend

YellowDinosaur Thu 03-Mar-16 09:28:33

I'd be saying 'if you want to have them as per the normal agreement on Sunday, no problem. Obviously that means you won't be picking them up until Saturday morning so will do something nice on Friday instead. What, that doesn't suit you? Fuck off then' angry

YellowDinosaur Thu 03-Mar-16 09:31:11

I wouldn't make it about mothers day though. I'd make it about not letting him think he can demand to change the arrangements when it suits him but not expecting any flexibility on his side. And that if he wants to play that game then you'll stop with being flexible about his social and work commitments. Because it goes both ways

My XP was exactly the same and like you I accommodated almost every request, I also learnt very early on not to put too much emphasis on a 'special day' and we just celebrated a different day. This stopped him having the power to control and upset me or the kids, and now 8 years down the line the kids are so grateful that I was the reasonable one and see their dad for the arse he is, and I haven't had to say a word.

I would do something lovely with the children in the morning and hand them over with a smile and as someone said up thread tell him you are doing something lovely for you, it'll annoy him far more than a refusal to hand them over would as that would see you as the one being unreasonable.

boredofusername Thu 03-Mar-16 09:44:58

Really Mother's Day is so not worth the aggro. It's just a day. And lots of us who are't divorced or separated do nothing for Mother's Day - really. It may seem like the whole world is out having rubbish overpriced food but many of us don't.

But if he's working this weekend why on earth did you just not swap the weekends around so this is your weekend and next weekend is his - or whatever else would accommodate his working while still being fair to you?

Pollyputhtekettleon Thu 03-Mar-16 10:46:24

The mothers day thing is a red herring. Every day is mothers day!

Enjoy your free time (book a massage or go to cinema) and then look forward to seeing the kids when they get back.

You are not doing yourself any favours getting all hurt and upset over a day that is easily celebrated anytime.

MariaTheNun Thu 03-Mar-16 11:03:13

I have told him he can have the kids after we have finished lunch, so from about 4, and told him that from now on, I'd like all of Mothers' day with the children and that he is welcome to an extra day another time to make up for it, as well as Fathers' Day.
The sad thing is that the kids have something planned and I have no idea what. I just hope these plans don't spoil their secretive, whispering fun.

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