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To think DP should make some effort for mother's day?

(19 Posts)
hearthattack Wed 02-Mar-16 19:47:15

I'm a new mum. I nearly died giving birth to our 4 and a half month old son. I spent the first three months of his life in and out of hospital for long stays in intensive care and HDU having four operations including an emergency hysterectomy. DP went back to work for the first time four weeks ago and since then I've been a full time stay at home mum. Building a relationship with my baby and having confidence in myself as a mum has been a struggle but I'm getting there. I've just started to leave what's happened behing me and really enjoy being with my child. Yesterday I was discharged from my consultant psychiastrist because I no longer have symptoms of depression or trauma.

DP openly admits he's not thought about mother's day, despite the fact that I've reminded him a few times in the last week or so. I've booked a table for us to go for lunch.

My mum died a few years ago so I have nothing to celebrate there.

Am I being unreasonable to think that I've been through the mill the last few months, fought hard to come out the other side and am doing well all things considered; and that this is something worth celebrating?

Feeling a bit dejected and wondering if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...

hiddenhome2 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:49:36

Yanbu, but it's often the way with men. They just don't 'get it'. Being a mother can certainly be a lonely business.

CaptainCrunch Wed 02-Mar-16 19:54:05

Congratulations on feeling better and enjoying your baby. I get where you're coming from. My husband did nothing for my first mothers day. DD was 10 months and I'd had an emergency c section and various complications. His first fathers day was when she was 4 weeks old and I made as much effort as I could for it to be special for him.

I was so hurt when he did nothing for me, it still rankles 19 years later that my first mothers day was so shit.

FigMango1 Wed 02-Mar-16 19:59:56

Sounds like you really had a rough time thanks Yanbu, it takes a few minutes to make a booking, virtually anything can be ordered online. I guess if he has just gone to work he might have been preoccupied catching up?

lem73 Wed 02-Mar-16 20:06:58

You've had a terrible time. I'm glad you're feeling better and I hope you're enjoying motherhood now.
I didn't get anything for my first mother's day either. My dad noticed and bought me some chocolates the next day from ds. I felt really embarrassed. One year when my boys were 3 and 5, I went to a mother's day celebration at my ILs and watched every other mother receive presents from their dcs and I got nothing. It was horrible.
Dh was a thoughtless twat but now my dcs are old enough to do something themselves I don't care. It's so lovely when you get something small or handmade from your child. My favourite present was flowers made out of paper by my 9 year old ds because he was mad at his dad for not getting me any. You will see in a few years time.

hearthattack Wed 02-Mar-16 21:34:22

Thanks lem73. That makes me feel much better. Sod DP. My little boy and I will have tons of mother's days to celebrate. x

GingerCuddleMonsterThe2nd Wed 02-Mar-16 21:41:04

I am glad you are feeling better flowers

So far this year DP has forgotten my birthday and Valentine's day, let's just say I'm not expecting anything on mothers day either. I will probably just treat myself to something and wait for him to notice. He also did nothing for my first mothers day also. I've just accepted it as one of his flaws, he downy have many so I can live with it.

CheesyNachos Wed 02-Mar-16 21:43:15

I get it. My DS is 6 and DH whenever I bring up the subject of mothers day just says with confusion 'But you are not my mother'. I had massive blood loss, had to have a transfusion and then had severe PND and other emotional issues. DS has recently been given an ASD diagnosis and daily life is quite hard. I always give DH a father's day card and personal gift, so to have him just be baffled by my desire that something happens for me on mother's day does hurt a bit.

However, and I keep telling myself this.... DH is over the top generous with other things... he tells me he loves me every day.... for Valentine's day for example he gave me a ruby and diamond ring. I had forgotten about VDay as his DFather had just died. For my birthday he always goes out of his way to do something special. So I tell myself that he just does not 'get' mother's day but that this is in no way at all a reflection on how he feels about me as his partner, his wife, the mother of his child.

cornishglos Wed 02-Mar-16 21:48:32

In your circumstances, no. He must realise that being a mother for you is a big deal this year? But some people need it spelling out.

Qwebec Wed 02-Mar-16 22:01:45

YANBU to feel this was, I'm sure it would have been nice of him to do something. flowers for you for going through all this.

Does you DP think of you in other way? Fi for your DP mother's day is not a big deal, make it your own. Do something for you.
For DP St-Valentines day amd mother's day don't make much sense, to him being there for me, showing romance is what he does for me in our daily life.

Tell him what mother's day means for you and ask him what he feels about it.

p.s.I'm a florist and I can tell you for most men four days ahead is AGES away
I'm quite impressed with any of then who think about it two days before: they are quite rare.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Wed 02-Mar-16 22:04:39

flowers for you. Could he be planning a surprise? I did wonder reading your post whether he hasn't had much 'time' or head space to think of much for mothers day, given that he too presumably has been through a really tough time, worrying about you, looking after a new baby, travel back and forth to hospital and now returning to work?

flowers for you both - I hope you have a lovely mother's day with DP and lovely new DS!

hearthattack Wed 02-Mar-16 22:22:21

Yeah, he has been through a lot too without a doubt. Generally he's brilliant, although never that great at the demonstrative or romantic stuff, he's very practical and pragmatic. I find time to do stuff make him cards with our hand prints on to say how much we appreciate him working so hard to support us. I can understand him not remembering to do it himself, but I've given him enough reminders!

I'm not going to get cross or blamey though. I've organised lunch. I'll just concentrate on having an extra lovely day enjoying my son. And probably doing something nice for MIL too as she's been great through it all and DP will most likely not think to do anything for her either.

Nottalotta Wed 02-Mar-16 22:31:03

Yanbu. Congratulations on your baby. My Ds is 7mo. He was born 3 weeks before my birthday. I got nothing from husband or baby. I got no cards for birthday or Christmas. I got husband a card from me and one from baby for both Christmas and his birthday. I Will be very upset and actually really pissed off if i don't get a mothers day card. He knows when it is. I have thought of getting someone to prod him to buy a card but its really not the point is it?

YoJesse Wed 02-Mar-16 23:11:28

I get so excited about Mother's Day but last year was rubbish. On my own all day and a phone call from DH to say buy yourself some flowers, I'll pay you back. I did buy some and he didn't pay me back.

Pre baby I thought it would be like a second birthday!

Fatmomma99 Thu 03-Mar-16 00:08:46

Oh, you've had a rough time. I'm glad it's getting better now. flowers

FWIW, I think Mother's Day is rubbish and crap - a commercialized nothing, dreamed up by card companies to sell tat. Don't be thanked for being a mum because someone tells husbands and kids that's the day to do it (and when flower prices are artificially hiked up to boost their profits). Please do it any single one of the other days in the year because you mean it, are grateful and spontaneous and not just doing it because it's a date in a diary!

I feel the same about Valentines.

Prepared to be flamed for this view!

notquitehuman Thu 03-Mar-16 00:40:09

My first mothers day was a bit shit. DS was a few days old, and we were both knackered. I think I cried because of hormones. However, DH isn't really the sort of person who goes for these sorts of occasions.

DS is now of the age where he can make me a card and tell me he loves me, and that makes up for that first shitty year.

hearthattack Thu 03-Mar-16 09:11:39

Fatmomma99, I agree to an extent that these are commercial holidays run by Hallmark [tm] but if your significant other doesnt thank you and isn't grateful or sponteneous ever, it's quite nice to have an alotted time on the calendar when they have no excuses not to be!

I used to agree with you about valentines day, but now I realise that for our family it's quite useful to have some time pre-decided and set aside for making each other feel special. Otherwise life gets in the way and it never happens. What form that takes is a different matter. This valentines we treated ourselves to dinner up the table with two hands each and a game of scrabble.

Katenka Thu 03-Mar-16 09:20:18

Yanbu. But as you say you have both been through a lot. With everything going on, it's not been a priority.

If he is brilliant generally, I would let its slide. It could be worse if he was rubbish everyday of the year rather and great in Mother's Day.

Got to be honest the kids are more excited about Mother's Day than I am. Which is nice.

The problem with putting so much pressure on these days, is that you usually end up disappointed. I find it's far more enjoyable when you are relaxed about it.

specialsubject Thu 03-Mar-16 10:35:00

Mother's day does have some historical significance, but is now buried in an avalanche of nauseating tat.

the person with the husband who is considerate without needing commercial prompting is the person with a good husband.

go out to eat another day, you'll get better prices, better food, better service and more room.

if you feel that your partner doesn't appreciate you, spending a few quid on a ghastly card won't change that. Bigger issues.

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