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to think XDH can f right off?

(79 Posts)
foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 18:33:08

So he ends things, decides he wants no more children (I did, desperately - back story of years of infertility resulting in DS3) we were talking of TTC for the last 2 years.

Now XDH (mainly still X because he's ended my chance at another child and I can't get over that. If I could it's possible we could resolve things) decides he's going to quit his job and be DS primary carer "so you can go back to work"

Sorry but I thought when we were married we agreed to me being a SAHM till DS (and any future DC) went to school plus I couldn't hope to earn anywhere near what he does

AIBU?

AutumnLeavesArePretty Wed 02-Mar-16 18:37:51

What you agreed to whilst together obviously goes out the window when you split.

Quitting may not be the answer for him but he's entitied to want more time with his son than the standard every other weekend and a judge is unlikely to grant him that if he has to work and you're not.

You sharing and working part time each would be the best solution as both need an income to support yourselves. It depends on goushold expenses as to how much work is needed each.

Arfarfanarf Wed 02-Mar-16 18:40:01

So he wants the child to live with him?
And he will get child benefit, child tax credit and you will pay child maintenance?
I wouldnt agree to that.
You can both work, people have to, if a sahm was possible while you were a couple it might not be affordable now, fair enough, but i wouldnt agree to such kind of arrangement with him.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 18:43:18

No he wants DS to live with me. But he will be a nanny I suppose. With me working full time and paying him for caring for DS. DH has moved back to his parents.

I don't even get the logic of it.

As it is he can see DS anytime he wants (well not during work hours) but any weekend or evening

sooperdooper Wed 02-Mar-16 18:44:24

I don't really understand what him not wanting more children has to do with it - but does he think you'll support him financially to not work even though you've spilt up? Is he on crack?

MatildaTheCat Wed 02-Mar-16 18:46:28

Did he perhaps resent the fact that you were (from his point of view) trying to force him into having more DC when he didn't want to yet you got to stay at home fulfilling your dream and he got to go to work full time and pay for the dream? Since you've ended the marriage he probably doesn't want to fund your dream any more and would rather have a shot at it himself.

Sorry, it sounds tough but it would be fairer for you to both work part time and share child time 50/50.

It also sounds as if there is still hope for the marriage if you were to compromise more? Surely worth exploring more. Unfortunately if one person doesn't want more children it's very unfair to insist on it and blame that person for ruining your life. What if they wanted something desperately that you simply didn't?

Arfarfanarf Wed 02-Mar-16 18:46:34

That means him at your house all day then?
I dont know what his agenda is. If it's not that then could it be control? Getting back into the house?
I would not agree.
You can go back to work and get financial help with childcare.
What if he drops you in it by not showing up? Or wont leave? Etc etc.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 18:49:01

He's essentially ended our marriage because it's a deal breaker for me. I will not get past having an only child without having tried and come to terms with it not happening. He's actually made the choice knowing he married me knowing how important it has been to me and everything iv been through with regards to that

Now he's changed his mind.

And thinks he can have the rest of my life too

I wish he was on crack right now. I'd be able to understand that more easily

Chocolatteaddict1 Wed 02-Mar-16 18:49:42

Did you laugh like this -> 😂😂😂😂😂😂

After wiping my laughter tears away from my eyes. I'd look him straight in the eye and say " Dream on dick head"

NewLife4Me Wed 02-Mar-16 18:50:17

If you paid him to be nanny he would have to register with ofsted and be inspected.
Would he want to use your home for this.
would he be happy to rent your premises.
What a load of tosh, sahp's don't get paid to sah. What planet is he on?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 02-Mar-16 18:50:29

So he wants you to work, won't allow you to have another child, but will look after the one you've got while you work and you pay him?confusedhmm. All while no longer being married.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 18:52:23

I haven't laughed. I'm too stunned I think.

This is someone who swore they wanted 5 bloody kids and iv spent my marriage feeling guilty if only managed to produce 1. Someone whose spent the marriage sharing their woes of being an only child themselves. Someone whose very much until recently been completely part of the more kids dream - even attending fucking adoption open evenings exploring all options to expand our family

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 18:53:53

So he wants you to work, won't allow you to have another child, but will look after the one you've got while you work and you pay him?*****. All while no longer being married.*

Basically yes, I think so

ElderlyKoreanLady Wed 02-Mar-16 18:54:39

The reasons for the split are irrelevant really.

Does he expect you to support him somehow? How is he planning on getting money? I'd thought benefits were at a reduced rate if the person makes themself voluntarily unemployed, but I may be wrong. He obviously can't tell you to go back to work if it wasn't in your plans. And where does he plan on looking after DC if DC still lives with you? I wouldn't be giving an ex free access to my home.

merseyside Wed 02-Mar-16 18:56:49

He's needlessly muddying the waters here and you need to think clearly.

You are separated. The first thing to do is sort access around his CURRENT job and money.

Access - what you both reasonably agree to in the best interest of your child

Money - a reasonable amount following current legal guidelines. You may have to return to work, but if you do it will be to pay YOUR own rent, food and other bills.
Realistically unless either of your are millionaire you will both have to work full time doing decently paid jobs in order to run two houses.

Anything which happens outside of these concerns is flim flam and to be put aside.

Chocolatteaddict1 Wed 02-Mar-16 18:57:31

Oh god arnt you glad you got rid of this idiot?

limon Wed 02-Mar-16 18:59:33

He wants you to pay him to look after his own DS? tell him to do one.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 19:03:17

There's no extra house to run. He's gone back to his parents, has been living there a while now paying minimal housekeep. We're currently seperated.

I have pretty much let him have free access.

Our earning potential is vastly different, he has 15 years of well paid career for the same company. I could realistically get a full time job on a checkout in a supermarket currently. There's no way I could possibly bring the income to match

cranberryx Wed 02-Mar-16 19:04:32

He wants paying for looking after his own child?

Right well, I think we have established that he's on glue!

Bloody hell OP.

Just to clarify, you both want children and conceive your DS after much trying, then he turns around and says that actually he doesn't want children and doesn't want any more children and that is the result of your split? Then goes on to say that he wants to look after DS full time, and he wants to quit his job and be paid to do so.

Sorry but no. You don't get paid to look after your own children! Sure, he could have more time with them and apply for to cms to ask for you to pay him maintence but I am still laughing at the idea of him getting a salary. 😂 He isn't a registered childminder for a start! (I am guessing)

Good luck OP, he sounds like he is an ex for good reason.

ElderlyKoreanLady Wed 02-Mar-16 19:08:25

If you're divorcing, neither of your respective earnings is anything to do with the other really. You'll be leading separate lives that you each make choices about while somehow coparenting your DS. If one of you has significantly more nights with DS, that person will receive maintenance for the other. He has ended the relationship so cannot now try to make decisions for both of you. He gets to decide his own things only.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 19:09:24

Yes cranberry confused

StableYard Wed 02-Mar-16 19:09:52

DS3 ? so have you got other children or is ds aged 3?

ouryve Wed 02-Mar-16 19:10:28

How the hell does he think you can pay him as a nanny on NMW?!

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's really going to piss you around. Be wary of making any verbal agreements about anything with him. Make arrangements via email so you have it all in writing because he's going to do his best to confuse you.

foffx Wed 02-Mar-16 19:10:32

DS is 3. Our only child

ohtheholidays Wed 02-Mar-16 19:10:37

He's being a Knob OP and no YANBU.

If it was me I'd honestly be looking to divorce him,spending any more time on this relationship does sound like you'd be flogging a dead horse.

And of course you shouldn't pay him to look after his own child that absolute Cock that he is!

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