To still not be able to rise above it?(14 Posts)
I won't bore you with the details so long story short, I left my physically, emotionally, finically and sexually abusive serial cheat XH 2.5 years ago. I let him take everything in the divorce, I left with my dc and a fraction of our possessions into private rental.
He has the DC EOW and a couple of times overnight during the week but he's frequently late or cancels these midweek visits. He also picks them up so close to bedtime and drops them off so early, afaic it's barely worth it for the DC but he refuses to change this. He pays maintenance regularly but gets a fair chunk reduced due to the amount he has them overnight. We've both moved on, he hates my DP despite having never met him and that's he's actually a really decent bloke.
So that's the background very briefly. The problem I'm having is that I absolutely hate his guts. I cannot bear anything nice happening to him, it pains me that he gets to have a relationship with his DC when he is downright nasty to me and I've done nothing to deserve it. He's so passive aggressive and controlling. It's like he lives to hurt me. Initially I was so relieved to be away from him that I felt nothing, now I'm constantly seething with him and fantasise about getting revenge. Today I'm tempted to call the police and report him for all the times he had sex with me whilst I was asleep, ie without my consent.
For a very long time, he refused to deal with me by any other method than phone but would use this contact as a chance to have a go constantly. He's full of criticism over everything I do. I finally had enough and will only contact him via email.
He's recently been having a go because I refuse to let him know about what's going on at school after he missed parents evening several times and did not pay me back after ordering play tickets and photos. I've found out that he's finally (4 years after our eldest started school) got in contact with them and will now be notified of all this stuff. I hate the idea of him going to parents evening when he does nothing for the kids. Never done a school run, won't help out with uniform, never had to pick them up when they're ill, never paid for a school trip, refuses to do homework, takes them out for term time holiday, etc etc. I don't feel like he deserves to go to the nicer things at school because he does none of the hard graft. But then that's his attitude anyway. He thinks he's a good dad because he takes them to his mates playgym EOW (free for him because it's his mate's) and nice holidays (I can't afford to take them). I do everything for my children, absolutely everything and I can't stand how unfair it all is. The other problem is that the kids get to school most days late due to a combination of my chronic fatigue (I have hashimotos - diagnosed a year ago so still quite ill and not on correct treatment), the fact that we live really far from the school (he wouldn't let us stay in the marital home) and I also have another DC to get to a different school (older DC from previous relationship) and he often makes us late (typical teenager). I'm worried the school will discuss this with him and he'll wade in with his shit without acknowledging that it's very challenging for me in part beside of him! But I know the school won't listen if I tell them not to discuss it with me.
Anyway, my real reason for posting is to ask how I can rise above it? I'm very happy with DP but xh's shit is a constant threat to that. It takes up way too much of my head space. I've gone as low contact as possible so what next? Is it just a matter of time? How have others managed this? God I've never experienced anger like this. I want to physically hurt him right now and I'm the least violent person I know .
And I don't even feel better for writing it down.
How on earth do you deal with rage on this level when I can't direct it at the person who deserves it? My middle DC has an important event today and I'm not even looking forward to it because I hate my ex so much. He's still ruining my life years after I got out. I can't cope with it anymore.
I'm not surprised you're feeling angry - he's abused you and now you have to act like nothing's happened. I think your feelings are totally natural and understandable.
I don't have any advice, but I do really feel for you.
I hate him just from reading that!
You have a lovely man and your kids will always be your kids. I suspect your ex will always be a douche (but you got away - that's amazing). Dont waste any more time or energy on him. You are going to have to find positives somewhere!
I know it sounds a bit woo but I met a lady recently who'd had a terrible time with one thing and another. She did that thing where you write down 3 things that make you happy every day. I remember her because she was so calm and at peace with herself
told you it sounded woo
Basically, you have every right to feel the way you do buy don't let him ruin more of your life than he already has.
He's a cunt without the warmth and depth usually associated with being a cunt
How to cope with the anger? Many things you can do (some of which you're doing like minimising contact).
1. Express it - if you're able get a punchbag and kick the ever loving shit out of it - call an understanding friend and rage like a bastard
2. Swerve your thoughts away from him with distraction. You control your thoughts. When you notice yourself thinking of the turd bucket fuck face deliberately choose to think of something else
3. Consider a mindfulness class
4. Never look at him. Ever. Will drive the wank stain nuts if he can't smirk/make weird comments.
5. Ignore what he asks if you want to answer it. Respond when you can be arsed - he does not control your time table now
6. Consider reporting to police for the multiple rapes he committed. Consider getting some therapy from Rape Crisis (free or low cost)
I feel for you so much - he sounds a complete arsehole and I am not surprised you are raging inside.
BUT as IHeart said - you MUST find the positives and focus on those. Look forward - don't look back cos you ain't going that way!
I honestly feel like some counselling may help if you are in a position to access any, because you can't really change the fact that ex is in contact with the DC and is now in touch with the school, but you CAN control your reactions to it all.
And I wouldn't worry too much about him being in contact with the school. I image the teachers' bullshit radar has already clocked him!
Don't forget - you got away. You rebuilt your life. He cannot ruin that for you if you don't let him.
Your exH is my dad when I was younger and you are my mum.
She struggled, he bothered the bare minimum with us.
He did the fun stuff with us, mum helped us with homework and looked after us when we were ill.
He got us the computer games, mum took us to our out of school clubs/activities.
Mum always encouraged us to keep a relationship with our DDad, but said if we ever wanted to read the divorce documents and make our own minds up, that was up to us.
I read them and went NC for several years. I'm in contact with him now, but he's never been a dad any of us could rely on. Consequently, we have much closer and meaningful relationships with our mum. Coincidence? Not likely!
His actions will last longer and mean more to your kids than perhaps you realise... His half-arsed parenting will pay off when you're old, with grandkids running around your feet and he's lonely.
Brilliant posts here.
Laurie's list is really good.
You can still report the rapes to the police. No time bar as you probably know. Obviously taking things to court is hard and there is no guarantee what a jury would ultimately decide.
I would suggest some counselling and see where you go from there.
You have been raped by this man (as well as all the other shit) so it isn't surprising you feel the way you do.
But it's letting him win to let it dominate your life/thoughts.
You are allowed to feel all of this. It shows you are processing what has happened. A few things -
- Any time he gets aggressive / critical over the phone, say clearly, "I am hanging up now", and then do it. You are allowed to take the control of that communication.
- Has this agreement been made formally?
- Have you spoken to professionals regarding his previous treatment of you? Do yopu think it would help you and DCs to do so?
- Do you have any concerns regarding his care of the children?
- You need to get beyond needing his approval of things in your life. It is part of the abuse continuing. It takes a lot of time and work, but you can do it. Have you been in touch with any domestic violence workers?
Much love - I do completely understand.
it does not sound likely to me that he will bother to go to a parent /teacher interview as he clearly does not care much about your dcc and he wont want to bother if it's not about him. So do not let him know about what you are nervous about as that may motivate him. have you told the school about your health disability? If not, let them know that this is the reason for the lateness. BUT it is private info and they cannot discuss your health with an ex. I'd put that in writing or an email so they will actually remember.
If you were a friend of mine I'd give you the following advice:
1. Contact the head of year for your eldest child and the assistant or deputy head at your younger children's (primary?) school. Explain the situation to them. In my view (as a teacher), there is a risk that your children have been/will be negatively effected by all of what you say. Most senior teachers are very experienced and will listen sympathetically to you. They may have some very useful strategies and advice for you, especially in terms of the school/parent dynamic. I would say it is very unlikely to do you any harm to share the situation with them.
2. I would speak with your GP and see if you can be referred for counciling.
3. There a lots of charities and organisations offering support for women who have experienced abusive relationships. There may be a support group you could join and they may have helpful advice about managing your future interactions with him.
4. Take up an activity that makes you feel proud of yourself. I don't know anything about the condition you mention but try to find something you can do and feel like you've achieved something for yourself. It could be small, like reading a novel or growing some tomatoes, or it could be something like running a mile or cycling somewhere. If you feel good about yourself it will help to stop the feelings of resentment about the past.
You allowed to hate him, it would be odd if you didn't.
Allow your feelings of hate legitimacy. However, remember that how much you hate him pales compared to how much you love your kids. And because you love your kids so much, this will allow you to act in your kids best interests even though you hate your ex so much. And acting in your kids best interests means being the bigger person.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings, but also to realize that to do what's right for your kids you can't give into it.
I hear you though, my god I hear you
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