To be really pissed off with sister regarding my upcoming wedding?

[Brizilla]

My sister is supposedly a bridesmaid at my wedding in May yet -

She doesn't want to come on the hen night or have anything to do with it
She doesn't want to try on dresses etc with the other bridesmaids
She doesn't want to stay overnight at the venue with the other bridemaids
She won't join Facebook to join in the group chat about the wedding which is fair enough - but she also won't join whatsapp or give anyone her mobile number so was completely unable to take part in choosing dresses/shoes etc meaning I had to literally travel to her house and show her actual pictures to get her opinion.
The latest one is that she doesn't want the hairdresser doing her hair on the day as she's scheduled to have it done the week before as it's every 6 weeks so it doesn't "fit".

We also arranged a night for the bridesmaids to come to my house, we'd have a bit of a drink and all try on our dresses - she doesn't want to come to that either. She's 22 btw.

I've asked her if she actually wants to be a bridemaid and she says she does yet she's making everything so fucking awkward and difficult. AIBU to be annoyed? I'm not a bridezilla but when she's actually making the planning difficult it's starting to piss me off. My mother sticks up for her and makes out it's me being unreasonable.

[ChessieFL]

Yanbu. Does she have form for behaving like this? I'd ditch her as a bm if she's going to keep behaving like that.

[pinkcan]

Just give her the bridesmaid dress and tell her to turn up wearing it.

Leave her out of everything else you are doing with your bridesmaids. She clearly does not want to be involved. Don't let it ruin your fun though.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Is she normally into things like shoes and dresses? Maybe it's just not her thing.

Does she know the other bridesmaids? Do they all know each other?

Surely you could text her a picture of the dress? I'm assuming if you're close enough to have her as bridesmaid then you have her phone number?

Is she an anxious person? Just thinking that could explain a lot of the behaviour like not wanting to change hair cut schedule and not wanting to socialise with everyone?

[ImperialBlether]

I don't blame her for not wanting her hair dyed on the day. Isn't that leaving it a bit late?

[WonderingAspie]

I'd sack her. She either shows some commitment to being a BM, like trying on bloody dresses with everyone else, hardly a big deal or she accepts she can't do it.

Some are fine like the hen night and Facebook, I'm not going on my sisters hen night either but the rest sounds like she is a petulant child. Given tour mum sticks up for her I'd say she's a bit of a spoilt brat who likes (and gets) everything her own way and doesn't like you being the center of attention!

[MissBeaHaving]

You ANBU at all op,I would be hurt if my Dsis behaved like that.
Are you normally close?
Could it be she's a bit jealous?

[WonderingAspie]

imperial she isn't having her hair dyed on the day.

[ComeonSummer1]

Well can't imagine wanting to go around and try dresses on with other bridesmaids to be fair and would be petrified of spilling red wine on it but I am not 22! At 22 would have loved it.

Think she's being a bit of a kill joy.

Is she jealous or and probably get flamed of this is she very fat/low self esteem etc?

[MissBeaHaving]

I thought most bridesmaids had hair & makeup done on the day along with the bride.

[MrsJayy]

Urgh she sounds a mare is she shy though maybe she just doesnt mix well but if my 22yr old acted like that id be having a word maybe take her on her own to get the dress yanbu she sounds frustrating

[Hassled]

Is the problem maybe the other bridesmaids? Does she know/like them?

Agree that at this stage just give her the dress and shoes and tell her what time to show up on the day, and don't give it any more thought.

[ricketytickety]

Is she shy? I'm clutching for straws here to see her side. I'd be very hurt if my sister didn't want to come on my hen do. The rest of it can be put down to shyness. But the hen do, the refusing to help select bridesmaid stuff unless under her terms and the hair stuff sounds deliberately difficult. You are best off ignoring.

[CommanderShepherd]

I had this with one of my bridesmaids, all were close friends from high school. After the wedding I cut contact with her, the whole planning of the wedding she gave me the most stress. Didn't come to my hen night, said her DP couldn't come to the wedding a week before (after my table names and plan was delivered) expected my mum to pay for her to have her hair done at her own salon rather than getting it done on the day by my hairdresser with other bridesmaids. Called me to ask for directions to the venue on my wedding day because of going to said salon so didn't get ready with us at all. Bitched to my other bridesmaids about my honeymoon. Got completely drunk and wrote in my guestbook, "I'm soooooo drunk" as her message. Also said to me, "oh I hope I don't stand on your dress"

Shame your can't cut off sister

[RubbleBubble00]

Meh leave her out of all the choosing and fun stuff. Tell her she's wearing X dress, fittings on X day and the time. If she doesn't turn up then ditch as bm.

[specialsubject]

she may not have realised how much was involved, perhaps she thought it was just being given an outfit and showing up wearing it. She may not like any of the girly stuff/hen do things.

that's fine - but she's the wrong person for the job. Let her out of it.

[momb]

It seems to me that you are making every step of the way into an excuse for a jolly time/party with your friends....which is fine, if they all know each other and want several mini hen parties. I'm guessing that your sister isn't like that, and doesn't know your friends well or has a problem with one of them.
How about making a one off 'my and my DSis wedding planning' session without your friends in tow. She may be thrilled to be a Bridesmaid, not so much about hanging out with your mates.....

[MrsJayy]

If she is feeling awkward she will act awkward she at least come to your house for the trying on even for an hour wouldnt kill her

[AugustaFinkNottle]

I don't really see why it's necessary for everything to do with the bridesmaids being done all together. If she doesn't want to choose dresses, tell her you'll go along with what the majority want and order one for her. If her hair is OK on the basis of whatever she does it it a couple of days earlier, fine, she doesn't have to have it done on the day.

But is it seriously the case that you have no means of communicating with her other than by turning up to see her? Didn't you have a phone number or email address before you got engaged?

[Lopperlady1]

You are definitely not being unreasonable. In fact it sounds like you are being very good with her considering how hurtful her behaviour is.

Can't help thinking there is more to this though. Are you usually close? Is this kind of behaviour normal for her?

If not perhaps she is upset about the wedding (jealous or doesn't approve) or something unrelated like work or stress which can make people withdrawn.

Either way to enjoy your wedding it would be good to get to the bottom of it. Have you explained how you feel?

On the other hand she is perhaps just being unkind...

I hope you have a great time with all your other bridesmaids. Sounds like you have lots of fun planned!

[SevenOfNineTrue]

My take on this is that she actually does not want to be a bm. Maybe she felt she had to say yes and can't back out now.

[LagunaBubbles]

I don't blame her for not wanting her hair dyed on the day. Isn't that leaving it a bit late?

What post are you reading Imperial?

I would go with the "here's your dress, here's the date, turn up" approach. Keep inviting her to anything necessary so she cant say she was excluded but dont get worked up when she doesnt come.

[Katenka]

Tbh the thought of hen dos, bridesmaids meet up and groups to discuss a wedding makes me run cold.

Why does anyone else need her number?

Why does she have to try her dress on with everyone else? Can't see make an appointment to go on her own?

You only dye or cut you hair every 6 weeks, what do you want her to have done on the day? Dye and trim or just a style?

I would hate to be forced to do things like this.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

I'd decide what is an absolute must (dress fittings and hairdresser?) and explain to her that she needs to do these two things or not be a BM.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to attend the dress fittings (maybe with your mum rather than with all the other BMs as a compromise) and to have her hair styled in line with all the other BMs on the day. Everything else is an extra. I don't see what her 6 week hairdressing schedule has to do with having your hair styled for an event.

I also agree with leaving her out of the choosing, just give her a photo of the dress and a photo of the hair styling. I'd still invite her to everything though, so she's included but expect her to decline.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I can see both sides to be honest. I wouldn't want to go on a hen night, I hate them and it wouldn't matter whose it was.

Not trying on dresses is unreasonable, unless she's got a good reason why she can't fit in with the others. I'd want to make sure the dress fitted and suited me!

I probably wouldn't want to stay overnight at the venue (presumably you mean the night before) as it always seems like another hen night to me and therefore something to be avoided at all costs! If she can travel there on the morning then I don't see a problem.

If she doesn't want to join FB I can't see the problem as it's not for everyone. I didn't realise wedding groups were a thing now. Does she know all the bridesmaids? I can understand her not giving them her mobile if she doesn't.

Regarding the hairdresser, is she just supposed to have it styled on the morning of the wedding? If so she is being unreasonable but if it would involve having it cut then she'd definitely not, especially if it's not her usual hairdresser.

[pocketsaviour]

My soul is shrivelling at the thought of having to do any of that shit. I had 2 bridesmaids and I certainly didn't put them through any of this torture. Just asked them what they were planning to wear and ordered them a buttonhole and told them what time to turn up.

I'm guessing you're really "girly" and your sister just isn't. Embrace your differences, don't try and force her square peg into a round hole.