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AIBU?

Slap at nursery

51 replies

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 29/02/2016 23:54

My son is 4 and today he told me his nursery key worker smacked him really hard on his head because he was naughty. I am gobsmacked (no pun) and asked him in many different ways to describe what exactly happened and his story is consistent. He even showed me how she did it and each time it was with force. I asked if he cried, if he told another teacher and what happened aftetwards. He said he cried a lot and there was no other teachers in the room. I find it really hard to believe because it is a small nursery and only have 2 rooms and there are always at least two teachers per room. He then proceeded to tell me that this teacher smacked another child too. When I asked him if he was sure, he laughed. However, he was very serious and consistent when he was explaining how the teacher hit him.

On a separate occasion, about two weeks ago, my son complained to me that when he was visiting his dad's place (we are separated and my ex shares a house with his sister her husband, their two kids, 3 & 5 and his sister's mother in law) the mother in law hurt him by pulling his ear. After consistently repeating the story, he then added that his uncle hurt him too. A minute after he was denying about the uncle but being consistent about the uncle's mum. When I asked my ex, he denied it, but in the meantime became defensive, saying that our son was constantly aggresive towards his cousins. To which I responded with a threat that I am reporting it to the police if he doesn't take measures to never leave our son in this woman's care. He agreed.

Just to explain further, my son is a dream child, not aggressive at all, very gentle, sensible and aware of boundaried and I was very suprised that he may have been agressive towards his cousins. Then I remembered that a month ago his cousins broke his tablet and the girl, 3, left a blue bite mark on his arm. So I told my ex that our son was most probably provoked. Anyway we agreed that he will keep a constant eye on him and that was it, because my ex is a dream dad who is extremely kind, gentle and protective of our son all the time, so I trust him completely. (I know, son and dad are very much alike in temperament.)

Anyway, back to my dilema... Is my son telling the truth about his teacher smacking him and what should I do?...

OP posts:

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Fatmomma99 · 29/02/2016 23:58

You raise it with the nursery and expect them to investigate thoroughly and deal with appropriately and to feed back to you.

Don't know what all the stuff with your ex and his family has to do with it.

Buzzardbird · 01/03/2016 00:02

Personally, I would make an appointment to see the manager tomorrow. There might be footage if cameras are used, but the manager should be made aware as this might not be the first complaint.
Try and keep your cool. Hard, I know.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:03

I was just describing another recent situation when my son said he was hurt. Wad wondering (hoping, really) if there was a pattern. He hasn't experienced violence as such before.

Thank you very much for the advice re nursery. What if they say he is lying? I am really worried about falsely accusing them...

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Malefriendproblem · 01/03/2016 00:04

Do you know if the nursery has CCTV, most that I know have it. I would not go in all guns blazing but just explain what your DS said and could they check it out.

Depending on the number of children, the nursery will have ratios in place and it is unlikely that only one teacher was in the room.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:05

I mean pattern of him lying about it... so to speak

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MyKingdomForBrie · 01/03/2016 00:05

You don't need to go storming in being accusatory, just tell the manager what he has said and then see what they offer in the way of investigation. It may or may not be true but I wouldn't just leave it I don't think, even if it didn't happen they shouldn't be in anyway surprised or annoyed that you ask about it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/03/2016 00:06

Well for a start. No adult is legally allowed to be left alone with children, so that in itself is a safe guarding issue.
But as to wether he's telling vthe truth. None of us can answer. A lot of nurseries have CCTV.

altctrldel · 01/03/2016 00:08

You need to go in tomorrow and talk to the manager. Dont call. Turn up and wait.

Tell them exactly what you have told us about the nursery worker. Dont bring up about the situation with your ex because that is giving them leverage.

Let them investigate. If you are dissatisfied with their findings then take it further.

Buzzardbird · 01/03/2016 00:10

Don't accuse them, just state the facts of what your son has told you. It's up to the manager to find out if it's true or not and what action to take.

You can't just say nothing, for all you know it could be true and this teacher gets off on hitting kids. Hopefully it isn't, but you need to bring it up.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/03/2016 00:10

You should definitely ask.

And of course kids should always be listened to.

However I have heard of kids that age claiming all sorts of things done to them by various people and telling teacher their mummy hits them when she doesn't etc.

Especially if you keep asking and giving loads of amazing attention when he tells you the story.

So very tricky one IMO.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:11

Not sure if they have CCTV. Maybe I should start by asking this. Nursery's capacity is only 20 kids at any one time. It's a church hall, so it is like one big place. It does have walls and doors between the babies room and the other onebm but they don't feel isolated - teachers always pass in and out...

What bad luck for my son if it's true... :(

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FrogFairy · 01/03/2016 00:15

What did he do that was naughty? Does it sound like something he could possibly do, or a bit more like he could be making it up?

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:17

Thank you very much for giving me support. I was planning to have a quiet word with the manager and ask her to investigate. So this is exacly what I will do tomorrow morning.

Thank you.

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/03/2016 00:20

It doesn't matter what the child did or didn't do. Corporal punishment is out lawed. If thats what happened.
Even parents can be prosecuted and have their children removed for smacking their child.

Maryz · 01/03/2016 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:23

Well, he is obsessed by the word poo poo and is jokingly repeating it sometimes as an adjective, e.g. poo poo this, poo poi that. Yesterday he said that the teachet is poo poo and that's why she got mad. And yes, I can totally believe he can say poo poi about anything because I hear it at home all the time as a joke. Maybe I should ban this joke. I am sure he picked it up at nursery. He is in a very tight group of 5 boys and they copy each other.

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CooPie10 · 01/03/2016 00:24

Have a word with the nursery about this however it does sound like he's making it up. If there's cameras then it should be cleared up quickly. Also you need to speak to him about why he's lying about previous incidents.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 01/03/2016 00:29

No, I was going to report the mother in law because ex tried to totally minimise the situation and I could't believe it, because normally he is very protective. Plus I hate the idea of someone hurting my son on purpose when I make such effort to raise him in calm and peaceful manner...

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Bogeyface · 01/03/2016 00:46

Well I believe him. And I think that you should find alternative childcare.

I was that child, no one believed me until after the teacher in question lost it at a significant school event and really walloped a child in front of other staff and parents.

Just because someone works as a carer doesnt mean they actually care.

AndNowItsSeven · 01/03/2016 00:59

A member of staff can legally be alone with a child.

BillSykesDog · 01/03/2016 01:55

I would speak to the manager and ask her to investigate as planned. FWIW my son is the same age and is doing the whole poo poo thing too is going through a similar phase. Every bump or trip or fall is somebody else's fault. It's normally because he's dashing about and not paying attention but he will blame it on whoever is nearest. Accidental bumps or knocks are also being recharacterised as 'you smacked me etc'. So it could be that, ask them to investigate and see if it's to your satisfaction.

Incidentally I wouldn't dismiss him being aggressive to his cousins so lightly either.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 06:34

Well some thing is going on. Speak to the nursery. Don't mention what happened with your ex mil.

But you do need to keep and eye on this. It could be that he is making it up. It might be that he is not.

You also can't dismiss that he is being aggressive to his cousins by saying he must have been provoked. You say you ex is a great dad, why would he lie?

Either way you have a problem with the people caring for your son or you have a problem with your son lying.

They may not be able to prove or disprove wether your son was hit. But you may find they have systems so no one person is left alone with the kids. If they can tell you that there was no way only one teacher was in there, then you need to look at the possibility that your son is making these things up. And get to the bottom of it.

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2016 06:48

Have it investigated, obviously, but 4-6 is the 'story telling' stage and the tales do usually focus on the child being hurt in some way.

This is a well documented and written about developmental stage.

So it could be that's what's happening. It doesn't matter how well behaved etc a child is, it's governed by their development. Some children report constant accidents, when you know they haven't hurt themselves, because you saw what happened etc.

Janeymoo50 · 01/03/2016 06:56

As mean as this sounds, I'm not sure I believe him. But a quiet word at nursery should hopefully get to the bottom of things. My DN regularly informed her mum that Arnie Janeymoo never gave her drinks or anything to eat!!!!

Silvercatowner · 01/03/2016 06:58

No adult is legally allowed to be left alone with children, so that in itself is a safe guarding issue.

Of course they are, what an absurd thing to say.

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