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aibu.just had fight as I'm too anxious to move.

(99 Posts)
flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:39:24

Have posted about this before but need some advice after massive fight. Engaged to my dp with a six month old dd. Partner was not keen on baby but it happened half unplanned. We were engaged before but he has other DC before we met who don't see him. He wanted to cut down on work to three days and move nearer his family on south coast. I will be financing house/mortgage as he will keep his london property/flat combined place. Currently in greater london. My family live in Scotland. I have been looking at jobs but feeling really anxious to move. I just wish i could keep my job in greater london/essex. They will let me work three days in and two at home. So can spend more time with my dd. Have moved before and find new jobs/places to live stressfull. I dont even want to live in country side or have a big house as DP does nothing in the house and will be more work for me. Feel bad as had agreed as was desperate for family and didn't want to loose Dp. Reality is now hitting home. Have been to see new jobs but feel very scared and anxious. However tried to talk to him and he has blown up saying I am manipulative and he cant trust me. He says I should do it as i"m being selfish. Question to people aibu?

FullMoonDiva Mon 29-Feb-16 15:42:35

I read your other thread and your not bu at all. Your DP is an abusive, manipulative, gold digging bully. Don't leave your job, don't move. You don't have to and you have no obligation to do so just because of his say so.

I would however ring a locksmith, pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep for him.

Hassled Mon 29-Feb-16 15:44:02

If you don't want to move then you don't want to move. He's asking a lot - he cuts down his hours (while you're still FT?), you finance the move (so he can keep his place) and house, he does nothing around the house, you move to the countryside when you don't want to - and he thinks it's not even worthy of discussion? I think you need a long hard think about your future here.

BillSykesDog Mon 29-Feb-16 15:45:54

I remember your last thread. You both agreed before you started a family that the plan was you would make this move post baby. Your partner agreed he would be happy to have a baby if these were your future plans. But now you've had the baby you've reneged on your half of the deal and said that you no longer want to go through with the other things you mutually agreed.

I'm not surprised he's annoyed to be honest, you've taken him for a bit of a mug.

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 15:48:15

This relationship sounds awful.

Are you saying you agreed just because you were desperate for a baby?

He sounds like a twat. But you can't just agree to things to get a baby.

Did he do anything around the house before you got pg?

That said I don't think you should move with him and it's not your fault he is a twat. I think you need to split. Please take some time to work on yourself. You sound very unhappy and that's not good for you or your child.

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 29-Feb-16 15:48:18

YANBU - you have to do what is right for you at his moment in time especially as he's retaining his house whilst you will be financing the new house. Where are you living now? His house? Have you sorted out financials or is it all just generic lets do this plan type of thing? And more importantly, whose plan is it?

Remember your DD is still very little and having children does change a relationship. If you move to the countryside, are you hoping to keep your job and commute in ideally? Or is it that the whole upheaval of moving areas, house and job a bit much? Do not agree to move just because you don't want to lose him. That's not a relationship if it comes at the cost of your sanity and happiness. What do you actually want bar the family?

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:48:28

I have tried by looking for jobs quite seriously visiting and arranging meetings. But feeling very anxious. He wants to move near his family with a house big enough for family and friends to come for social dos. However my priority is just for a managable family home for DD and us. With maybe one spare room for guests. No large garden or expensive up keep.I have offered to compromise by buying a house near my work but he is really angry with me. Told me to pull my socks up.

Hassled Mon 29-Feb-16 15:50:49

But if you're the one paying it's not exactly his call, is it? Why does he think you'll do this just because he tells you to? Is it because he thinks you'll put up with any amount of shit rather than be on your own? Is that the case?

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 29-Feb-16 15:51:42

half unplanned? What does that mean exactly?

BunnyTyler Mon 29-Feb-16 15:51:54

Did you agree to all this before?
Have you been going along with the whole idea until now?

Tbh I'd be a lot pissed off if my husband had led me to believe something was happening right up until crunch time when he changed his mind.

That said, if you truly don't want to move or leave your job, then don't.
That may mean going it alone, but if he is generally not very nice or supportive then is that such a terrible thing?

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 15:55:30

Why does he think you'll do this just because he tells you to?

Because that's what she said when she tried to haggle with him to have a baby.

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:02:41

I have agreed and did mean it at the time. . I have been looking at jobs but now feeling really stressed and anxious. I have a job that is quite involved with responsibility and new jobs fill me with fear. He is so p off with me saying I am being selfish. That I have ruined his plans by us having a baby. He is supportive and nice normally. However he just assumes that I want what he wants. I have been trying to tell him for ages how I feel. Also I was waiting to see if he would do anything to help in the house. He is a bit of a slob and spends a lot of time drinking/smoking in weekends and evenings.

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 29-Feb-16 16:04:21

Okay - have read your previous thread. Apologies for searching but it gave more insight.

Yes - you heard the biological clock, and yes you did agree. But that's the thing with human nature. You're allowed to change your mind. If I've read this correctly, you live in his flat above his business and have paid a five figure sum to do the flat up. He wants to move to a larger country house (for seeing his family and friends in) which you pay for, whilst he keeps the flat and business in London but heavily reducing his working time. Meanwhile, by this same agreement, you work full time to keep the mortgage on the new house. Oh - and he has DC from previous relationships which he does pay for but they refuse to see him. Sound about right? Okay...

Doesn't sound fair to me. Yes you agreed because you wanted a child but it does seem like he's tried to squeeze the best deal for the life of Riley for himself without due consideration for you or DD. Both of you need to discuss, not argue, where to go from here because everything appears to be skewed in his favour. And that's not fair on you or your DD. Do you think that there might be a compromise in any of this?

BillSykesDog Mon 29-Feb-16 16:06:17

South westerly, they live somewhere in the north now I think.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 29-Feb-16 16:06:28

He calls you selfish I don't know what that makes him. Let me get this straight: he wants you to chuck in your current job just as they agree to a working pattern that suits you. He hopes to decrease his own working hours. He is planning to keep on his own property but wants to move nearer his family (which incidentally means putting you at greater distance from your ties) providing that you pay for a new home? He does nothing domestically and knows you aren't keen on uprooting.

Have just looked at your previous thead on this topic and see he thinks by fathering a baby he is now owed something. DD is here and he sees her as a bargaining chip? He is self-employed and dangles marriage like a carrot. At what point will he say, okay you have paid me back, we are quits?
This sounds all wrong.

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:06:41

also I am 42 so was running out of time. Recently divorced from a abusive short husband. Last boyfriend before was nice but was a alcoholic. Have been desperate for family for over a decade. Kept on trying to do it right but it was my last chance.

BillSykesDog Mon 29-Feb-16 16:07:59

Sorry, just saw that it says Greater London. Could swear it was up north before. confused

KatharinaRosalie Mon 29-Feb-16 16:08:26

You don't have to live with someone just because you have a child together. It doesn't really sound like you're happy in this relationship, are you?

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 29-Feb-16 16:09:15

YANBU (based on this and your other thread). You don't want to move. Don't let him bully you into it. Could you go to stay with your family for a while? I think you need some space and some RL support to make a stand about this.

It's much much better for you to change your mind at this point when you still have a job and a home rather than realising you hate it when you've moved to his big fantasy house in the country, he's fucked off to London, you're isolated and dependent on him.

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:09:22

i meant abusive short marriage (not short husband!)

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:10:35

i have suggested to moving to semi rural place in essex but he says he doesn't like the area.

flopseyR72 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:13:34

I am just worried that I am such a failure. Dont want our family to fail but I cant help feeling really worried about this move. Not excited to move to where he wants at all. Sleepless nights worrying about new job.

expatinscotland Mon 29-Feb-16 16:14:09

Read your other thread. You've already pissed tens of thousands up the wall on this cock womble. You still allow him to bully you. This guy is a controlling, EA twat and you need to ditch him, not move. You are committing financial suicide by moving, not to mention your career being flushed down teh swanny. There is a reason this guy has all these kids by different women: because he is a cockwomble.

You don't owe him anything. He's a leech.

LeaLeander Mon 29-Feb-16 16:22:56

I think you would be doing your child a huge service by getting this indifferent, hostile and resentful father out of her life. Carry on with your job and with raising your child; he's not going to be a better father if you acede to his demands to move. Once you give in, he'll think of something else he MUST have and your life will be like that over and over for the next two or three decades.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Feb-16 16:25:50

Just read your other thread, too.

God, he's a prize, isn't he? You paid him £25K to do work to his house but your name isn't on any of the property? He has five children by four women? He was violent to those women? Now he wants you to buy somewhere where he wants to live, to be near his family (does he include his children, there?) and his friends? He's lazy and does nothing around the house?

For crying out loud, OP, you do whatever you want with your life now. You don't need him in it!

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