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To feel a bit upset about this present?

(109 Posts)
HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:16:56

Background:I have moderate to severe cfs/me and as a result am housebound a lot of the time.

Pil came round last week to give me a birthday present: a water bottle and this book.


Aibu to be a bit upset that they think I can cure me/cfs by drinking a bit more water and thinking positively? You wouldn't do the same to someone who has cancer angry

Despite having this bastarding illness I always look on the positive side of life and try and see the best in everything - get joy from little things so it's not like I'm depressed and need help with overcoming mild depression.

Pil don't come round that often as I'm too ill to cope with the sensory overload - I can only really have one visitor a week as it really exhausts me to have to think and speak and listen. I think they've got the hump that they can't come round as often to see the dc's as they did before I fell ill.

So Aibu to send these unwanted presents off to the charity shop and maybe get dh to tactfully suggest that they might want to read up a bit more about the illness?

expatinscotland Mon 29-Feb-16 09:21:56

'You wouldn't do the same to someone who has cancer angry'

Actually, you'd be amazed the kind of codswallop people with cancer hear from others about how 'positive thinking' and snake oil can help/cure them, so please, please don't make that comparison.

They are shite gifts. Just charity shop them.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 29-Feb-16 09:25:30

Indeed expat. Yanbu op. They no doubt thought they were helpful but its really insensitive. Definitely charity shop.

NinaSimoneful Mon 29-Feb-16 09:26:22

Happy Birthday flowers (< more useful that that book I daresay)

I can see why you're upset. There's a chance that they didn't mean to be so insensitive and dense but you know them better than I do. Just pass it on via a charity shop if you like, someone who is into that kind of thing might bit

bornwithaplasticspoon Mon 29-Feb-16 09:26:30

Can your dh/dp take the dc's to their house so they can see them more often?

That aside, just presume the book is 'well meaning' but ill thought out and charity shop it.

HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:26:35

That's true - I remember people saying similar to my mum when she had cancer.

Why are people so thoughtless?

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 09:27:04

You would be amazed what people will give ill people. My auntie had cancer and she got given this sort of stuff all the time. Her husband was given a book about how natural treatments can cure cancer, when she was in the hospice hours away from dying.

Yanbu it pretty shit.

Maybe try hope you can get better to see their GC more. I understand it's difficult for you, but why can't they see the kids more?

OddBoots Mon 29-Feb-16 09:27:20

As a birthday present that is not great.

If it were just a gift to try to offer some support it may be misjudged but well meaning.

From your side though I don't think it is fair to say that they have "got the hump" about not seeing their grandchildren as often, it would be normal to be upset about that even if they entirely understood the reason.

HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:28:10

grin thanks for the flowers nina

NinaSimoneful Mon 29-Feb-16 09:28:11

Sorry, trying to correct 'bit' and the message posted.

*someone who is into that kind of thing might buy it.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Mon 29-Feb-16 09:29:49

I would read the book anyway - you have nothing to lose by doing so. I doubt they meant anything bad, and probably had no idea you'd be insulted. Studies have proved that positive thinking can have a huge impact on overcoming illness. I'm sure they were trying to help.

thebiscuitindustry Mon 29-Feb-16 09:30:24


It's insensitive and would still be so if you had depression, another illness that people can't cure themselves of by saying "pull yourself together". If "positive thinking" was a simple cure then there would be no illness in the world.

Charity shop it is!

MrsJayy Mon 29-Feb-16 09:31:01

My friend had a rare autoimmune disease her brother told her positive thought and crystals would cure her CRYSTALS !! I am sorry this upset you but i think they are a bit loony and only tried to help. chronic pain doubled with ME must be exhausting having to function daily takes all your strength your inlaws dont understand that sadly. Could your Dh take the children to them or thdpil could take the kids to theirs

expatinscotland Mon 29-Feb-16 09:32:01

'Studies have proved that positive thinking can have a huge impact on overcoming illness. '

And many others have shown it has no effect at all whatsoever.

I'd dump the book, it has shit reviews. And your H needs to have a word with them.

HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:32:05

shock that's awful katenka

The kids are teens now and have their own lives - I do try to arrange for them to see them every few months but with school, activities and homework there's not much free time - I'm not sure the pil have realised that they're growing up and have their own lives.

MrsJayy Mon 29-Feb-16 09:32:41

Meh i read chronic pain syndrome not fatigue sorry what i said is still the same though

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 29-Feb-16 09:33:49

It's difficult, because people want to help. Like you've acknowledged, you do get people offering the most insane cures for cancer, too. There are bloggers who have made thousands selling people vegetable cures. People will do anything for hope.

CFS is one of those things that gets it twice as bad, because some people do recover and that inspires friends and family to believe that you will too, if you just find the right cure. They want you to be better and honestly think they are helping, they don't see that it's a very small percentage who recover and it's unlikely anyone ever recovered by thinking positive and living off weird smoothies and hot water bottles.

They suck as presents. Get someone to take them to a charity shop and try not to waste too much emotional energy thinking about them. I'm sorry that you got such bad presents.

If you think that they're struggling with not seeing the GC, could DH take them to visit your GPs once a week or something? You'd get an extra break, and they might find it easier to sympathise them. Of course, you might not want an extra break, and your DH might not want to visit them very often, but it could be a short-term compromise and it might make them more understanding. Something for you to ponder, I guess.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 29-Feb-16 09:34:17

Ah cross-posts, I presumed they were young. Got distracted by work, sorry!

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 09:36:21

Ah I see.

Can you or dh not encourage them to visit them occasionally?

HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:36:27

Part of my illness means that I struggle to read books as I can only concentrate for short bursts of time - that's why the Internet is so brilliant - I also have memory loss so there's no point in reading it as I'll have already forgotten what the previous paragraph said grin

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 29-Feb-16 09:36:29

As far as Positive Thinking goes, it might help some people in terms of how they cope with being ill but its so over used I worry it puts pressure on the ill person to put a brave face on when they just want to cry/shout etc.

MrsJayy Mon 29-Feb-16 09:38:08

Ah they are teens still it would be nice for them to pop in and see their GP for an hour

HeyMacWey Mon 29-Feb-16 09:39:32

I've put them in the charity shop like so will forget about it now - glad I'm nbu.

Off to have a nice bath with one of my more thoughtful presents grin

Katenka Mon 29-Feb-16 09:44:06

Just remember mil tried to teach 4 year old ds to knit he wasn't interested. So I got a book about how to parent children with adhd.

She insists a four year old who isn't interested in knitting 'must have something wrong with him'.

I asked her why she got me it and not dh, I got told that it would be better if I dealt with him instead of putting pressure on dh as that would be unfairangry

Dh isn't speaking to her at the moment

BluePancakes Mon 29-Feb-16 09:47:06

Is it a generic "think positive" book, or one specific for CFS?
If it's the latter, I'd put it in recycling, rather than charity shop it, so someone else isn't hurt by other's "well-meaning".

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