to feel put out when my friend implies how morally good she is?(62 Posts)
My friend has recently started work in the charity sector. It is not a highly paid job but she enjoys it hugely, and is good at it. Whilst it is rewarding and challenging, many of the aspects of it seem, to me, really interesting and fun too: for example, she is sometimes asked to scout around the city for venues for luxury fundraising events; she often has to help out at fundraising days; she is in charge of mailing important donors and meeting those who donate.
I OTOH am going into a more corporate role. It is better paid than hers but equally the hours are longer, the work will probably be less interesting and obviously won't be anywhere near as rewarding as hers (I won't be helping people).
When we meet up, she always talks disdainfully about friends of ours who have "sold out" to the corporate machine and talks in glowing terms about those who haven't, as she sees it. FWIW this sector wasn't her first choice, she was interested in Corporate Law and also PR originally.
I'm certainly not trying to disparage her, just don't understand why she always has to make it into a competition about who is the better person She forgets her job is interesting and she gets to do fun things but she sometimes seems to imply she's doing it because she really cares etc.
-rather than being paid, as if to lay it on thick that I am "selling my soul"
She's not happy with where she is.
Although I do know someone in the charity sector who can be a bit like this but then got a job working for a corporate in their CSR department and now it's all about corporates changing the world.
She must feel quite insecure about some aspect of it, to do that.
I think you would only care about this if you thought there was an element of truth in it.
I work in a corporate job but have friends who think this. Ultimately, it's their opinion, and they're entitled to it. And I kind of agree - it kind of is selling out working for a big bank or law firm or whatever, in the sense that it's less socially useful than being a criminal defence lawyer/teacher/social worker and the main reason people do it is for the money.
HaPPy8 - yes I think I am. I am aware that what I'm doing, while not hugely bad or greedy, won't be changing the world. But I just don't understand why she has to ram it down my throat when she has the opportunity...
I would like to go into teaching at some point down the line so I don't think people should be defined by their job - it can change so quickly right?
Similarly, I think she has forgotten that we are both working to earn a living! She really seems to enjoy crowing (albeit subtly) about how she is the better person etc. It's not kind...
It's not kind. It's also unbelievably tedious.
Can you tell her?
Thanks. I don't think I can.
We used to be a lot closer but for various reasons (including this actually) I have put the friendship on the backburner. She can be quite difficult and selfish sometimes.
Just wanted a rant.
I know this isn't the crime of the century, and I know it probably has a lot to do with my oversensitivity/awareness that I have "sold out" but equally she's my friend... It's really not part of the job description to run me down
YANBU. She's working for a salary, just the same as you. We need people in all kinds of workplaces, not just the charity sector! Many people raise money for charity without being paid for it, or give generously from their salary from whatever kind of job they have.
Does anyone have any advice re. what to say next time she makes a similar remark please?
In fairness to her they're never that venomous so perhaps I am being oversensitive.
Recent example: "just noticed XYZ [mutual friend] got a new job... I thought he would have sold out but no, he's helping on international aid deals, really making a difference"
What could I have said? Perhaps best to keep quiet actually.
I work in the NHS and although not frontline staff my job is helping diagnose cancer. I sometimes wish I'd gone into finance and be earning 6 figure salary or being an actuary. I've studied for many years to do my job. Just saying for balance of argument not everyone in so called worthy jobs feels like your friend
what to say next time she makes a similar remark please?
'People who blah blah blah sold out blah blah corporate machine blah blah'
'Oh, have you given up the paid role then?'
'No but I am doing charidee work'
'But you are getting paid, no?'
'So you are taking off a charity when you could volunteer. How mean of you'.
Thanks banking, yes I totally agree - that's why am a bit shocked by her attitude. I'm friends with teachers and know a few medics, and none of them have ever sneered at me (okay that's a bit strong but that's sometimes how I feel) for not being in a similarly "worthy" job. I do think it depends hugely on the person
Could she be feeling inferior in terms of salary you all earn and trying to balance things by emphasising other aspects of her role?
Hah Doreen I have come this close to doing that but always chicken out at the last minute!
I suspect Ruby could be right. On fundraising you can actually feel very distanced from the coal face of 'helping people' it sounds like she is looking for external validation for something she feels is missing.
Are you quite young, perhaps recent graduates? People's priorities do change over the years, I'm 30 now and it's interesting to see how many of my peers who went into corporate roles have now decided to switch to something "more meaningful", whereas some of those who saw themselves as more creative and/or moral types have switched to corporate roles, usually in order to buy a house! So she might change her tune in a little while.
In terms of good responses, I think all you can do really is just not engage with it. Just say "oh, that's interesting" and then move the conversation on.
I work for a multinational, doing one of the jobs that was given as an example of "well paid sell out".
But do you know what I actually do? I ensure that people who have pensions with us receive those pensions every single month no matter what happens in the world.
If I mess up the first loser will be the shareholders (as they will have to make up the difference.) And if I do well then the (evil) shareholders will get more money. But actually a large proportion of our shareholders are pension funds. So again by doing my job I am making sure that people receive the pensions that they signed up for.
I am (very very quietly) very very proud of what I do.
Far better for me to do a job like this well than to be a rubbish events organiser for a charity.
I'd just say, "Well yes I feel terrible about selling out but fortunately my massive salary gives me some consolation."
Could you maybe point out to her that without donations from 'corporate sell-outs' her charity might not need her at all?
well, I had a friend from my first job who I very occasionally meet up with (which reminds me, I must seek him out and say hi) - and when we last met, he was working in Cambridge, combing medical databases for correlations that could be further researched, and I was working on entertainment software.
I remember saying to him that he had a much more worthy role, and he was lovely about it, saying that people needed to have fun too - no discomfort or guilting at all. And he is little more than a relatively passing aquaintance, whose expertise I rate. I wouldn't be down with a friend passing judgement like that at all. YANBU.
I'm very happy in my job. It - to the casual onlooker - probably looks incredibly dull and tedious and qualifies as a corporate sell-out type role. Whilst I am not helping starving orphans I am helping businesses stay in business when the shit hits the fan. Which in turn saves those businesses from going under, meaning that their staff get to keep their jobs rather than being made redundant. So whilst I would never hold myself up as working in a role which is 'meaningful', it is useful and contributing something towards keeping the economic wheels turning.
If she has a problem with what you do then the issue is hers, not yours. Being sneery is very rude.
'My job affords me the opportunity to be generous and give money to charity, rather than taking money from a charity in the form of a salary'.
Does it matter, as long as they are happy?
Who you work for is not the only way you have a moral compass.
You can work for a large 'evil' multinational and have better principles than someone who works in the charity sector. It can be as much about what you actually do in that job and whether you work to change and improve things from 'the inside' or whether you are just taking a free ride and a 9 - 5 that happens to be paid from the proceeds of donations.
Lets put it this way; I don't have a lot of time for chuggers.
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