Aibu to not want to spend whole of Mother's Day with MIL?

(85 Posts)
Makesmewanttomovemyfeet Sun 28-Feb-16 17:41:38

There is a long history with MIL but to cut a long story short I find her very unpredictable, hugely offensive at times, she very much needs to be the centre of attention and basically this makes me anxious around her and unable to relax and enjoy myself. DH has been hinting that he has something really special planned for Mother's Day for me and DS and I was really excited. But recently asked me if PIL can join us for the full day and since he's asked that I've been dreading it rather than looking forward to it. I know MIL is his mother and therefore he wants to include her in the day but AIBU to suggest we have dinner the night before or brunch with MIL and then go off for our thing as a family afterwards? I think DH will be disappointed as he desperately wants me and his mum to be close but I don't think I will enjoy it or look forward to it if she's there. What do other people do for Mother's Day? Do the grandmothers come with you too?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 28-Feb-16 17:45:11

But recently asked me if PIL can join us for the full day and since he's asked that I've been dreading it rather than looking forward to it. There's a whole section missing here. Did you say:

I'd rather have some time with our little family on the day
Yes, that's great invite them
No, God no don't (and he did anyway)

Because the issue seems to be communication. If you don't say what you would like to your DH, how will things every change.

And no, even when my wonderful, funny, supportive MIL was alive, I would have had some time with just DH and DD on the day.

littlejolee Sun 28-Feb-16 17:50:01

Not at all unreasonable, I have a similar history and a somewhat strained but (currently) cordial relationship with my my mil and dp has hinted at taking me DS and mil for a meal somewhere together. (Admittedly DS is only 2 so getting anything for mothers day for a few years I see as a bonus rather than a given iyswim, but I'd still rather not spend it with her. Especially when I won't be seeing my own mum as she's working all day)

So flowers for you, I feel your pain! Just try to enjoy your DC company and yes maybe suggest a half day with mil rather than a full one

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 17:50:22

Why didn't you tell him that you don't want to do this? He can spend a part of the day with her but you shouldn't have to do the whole day. Keeping quiet about these things to please him will do you no favours.

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet Sun 28-Feb-16 17:52:01

Sorry I should have said! He could see I was hesitating so he said 'have a think and let me know'. So I've not given him a response yet. Although I think my face said it all! So actually he does know I don't want her there but is pushing a bit. He was going on about how nice it would be to have her there so that she could help with DC but we don't need help were just going for a walk and some food. Gosh I've just realised he knows full well I don't want her there and is subtly putting pressure on me for some reason...maybe he wants her there or she has asked to come...

Katenka Sun 28-Feb-16 17:53:39

Then tell him no.

I don't understand how relationships like this work.

He asked you a question, give him an honest answer. Or do you expect him to be a mind reader?

AyeAmarok Sun 28-Feb-16 17:54:56

In that case, state very clearly "I don't want to spend the whole day with MIL, I want to have the day with just the 3 of us, we can call in the say hello at tea time".

He's asked. You answer. And not in a people pleaser doormat way smile

Gottagetmoving Sun 28-Feb-16 17:56:19

I know MIL is his mother and therefore he wants to include her in the day

Include her? I should think so! It's his mother and mothers day!
You and your dh and ds can have a special day anytime but surely his mother should be his priority on this one day?
If it were my husband I would suggest he does something special with his mum and treat me on another day.

CooPie10 Sun 28-Feb-16 17:56:27

Just tell him straight you had a think and you don't want to do that, he can spend time with her after. If you don't stand up now, do you really want a repeat every year.

Wolpertinger Sun 28-Feb-16 17:57:53

Could you spell it out to him 'I know you would like me and MIL to be close but it is not going to happen. She makes me feel very anxious and I find her very offensive at times. I don't mind us seeing her and I won't get in the way of your relationship but please remember I don't find these occasions enjoyable'

StableYard Sun 28-Feb-16 17:58:43

Or even better - he can call in with ds whilst you relax after your lovely day.

Katenka Sun 28-Feb-16 18:00:50

lthough I think my face said it all! So actually he does know I don't want her there but is pushing a bit.

Or may be you face didn't. Or may be he is waiting for an actual answer

Gottagetmoving Sun 28-Feb-16 18:03:56

In that case, state very clearly "I don't want to spend the whole day with MIL, I want to have the day with just the 3 of us, we can call in the say hello at tea time

Hardly a mother's day for his actual mother, then, is it?

littleleftie Sun 28-Feb-16 18:11:19

I would let him spend the day with MIL, and you can do something nice with your DC - then everyone is happy?

miraclebabyplease Sun 28-Feb-16 18:11:49

But op is the MOTHER of his child. Why should her day be special another day. He could have a special day with his mum another day.

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet Sun 28-Feb-16 18:12:08

Gottagetmoving- I'm a mother too so he's organised something for me on behalf of DC. He will see his mother too whatever we do but he would want me to come with him. He wouldn't go see PILs on his own. I've never understood this but he prefers me to go with him he says they will think we've had an argument if he turns up alone without me and DC. Also, MIL will want to see DC and would be disappointed if DH goes without DC.

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet Sun 28-Feb-16 18:14:30

Maybe I should try to persuade him to go on his own. If they really think we've had an argument they can call me and I will verify that all is fine. I will enjoy the peace and quiet and we can do something when he gets back

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 28-Feb-16 18:15:03

This issue splits MN. There are people that think that people actually doing the day to day job of mothering should be given the day. There are those that think that you should only celebrate your actual mother. There are those that think it's made up Hallmark bullshit. These three groups WILL NEVER agree. No point trying to convince one another.

Sounds like OP's DH is between the first two. So he should split his time between the first two. Not sell one mother out for another.

LeaLeander Sun 28-Feb-16 18:16:27

That he won't go see them without you is his problem, not your problem.
What they surmise about your relationship with DH is their problem, not your problem. Why should you be pressed into service as "the buffer" because he won't address the dysfunction in his relationship with his parents? Do you make him do that for you? He needs to grow up, bigtime.

Tell him he can do whatever he wants to with his mother on Mother's Day and you'll spend the day with your children. If he wants to treat you to an outing it can be on some other day.

littleleftie Sun 28-Feb-16 18:17:59

Fucking hell! So he never sees his parents without you there?

That is most odd. "He wouldn't go to see PILS on his own." Are they so awful he needs you to hold his hand? Or is he very emotionally dependent?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 28-Feb-16 18:20:51

This reminds me of my exMIL. We had nothing in common except her son and the whole family expected me to be best mates with her and call her Mum. It just didn't work, was very uncomfortable and ultimately futile.

Boundaries OP. He needs to see them alone once in a while.

Katenka Sun 28-Feb-16 18:21:51

What they assume about your relationship is not your concern

SunnyNights Sun 28-Feb-16 18:24:16

YANBU in the least, he can pop in to see his mum for a bit then the rest of the day is for his own little family smile

Very odd she doesn't see it it that way my DM always insists that Mother's Day is more for those doing day to day 'mothering'.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland Sun 28-Feb-16 18:26:40

You need to have different days. Mother's Day doesn't have to be on Mother's Day iyswim.

And he should be capable of seeing his mother without you. After all, he's presumably known her a lot longer than you have hmm

toohardtothinkofaname Sun 28-Feb-16 18:30:56

Bit late for this now but me & DP have Mother's Day for me the weekend before (ie. Today) and on actual Mother's Day we spend it with our own mothers

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