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To see friend less because she hates my 5 yo

(91 Posts)
OhForFrigSake Sat 27-Feb-16 22:24:37

Title says it all really. My good friend has a DD the same age as my DS, the problem is that my son can be a bit boisterous and giddy and well, a boy and her daughter is very quiet and not terribly outgoing at all. My DS has a brother and has learned to be assertive whereas her daughter is an only child and is not at all assertive. She is a lovely girl though and DS is genuinely good friends with her, they don't fight and he doesn't pick on her and they have a nice time when they're together with no falling out. We have been on holiday a number of times and the children have always got on great.

The problem is that when we're together friend is constantly 'helicoptering' over the children and monitoring everything they do - almost as if she expects DS to be doing something to her DD. It's like she is policing the relationship.

She is also constantly snapping at DS and telling him off - she is on him in a second. She tells him off far more than she would her DD. He's not an angel and he does mess about a fair bit but he is only 5 and nothing he does is in malice, it's just usually being a bit silly IYKWIM. I do always pull him up on silly behaviour but because my friend is on his back constantly I don't even get chance to. It's really like she can't stand him sad

I'm not making excuses for my DS but it does really make me feel sad when we're together as he is always getting told off, even when he's not really doing anything 'telling off worthy.' If her DD does something 'naughty' she even blames DS there saying she's copying - that she must have got it from DS.

I feel really sad. I do think DS is more boisterous than her DD and whilst He can be annoying, she could just leave it to me to tell him off and get off his back a bit and let the children play - because they do play lovely together when she is not policing everything. I really feel like not seeing them as it just makes me feel so depressed. AIBU to see her less? I feel like it might ruin the friendship.

HeartShapedBox Sat 27-Feb-16 22:27:24

I would've pulled her up on it long ago. Can't stand that sort of crap.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sat 27-Feb-16 22:28:09

" a bit boisterous and giddy and well, a boy" - this is the biggest lot of bullshit excuses ever.

How often does her daughter get upset or hurt by your little darling boy?

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Feb-16 22:29:14

Is he really 'boisterous' or is he badly behaved? Only asking as I've just had the pleasure of a mates 'boisterous' 5 yr old who wouldn't stop running around my house, opening doors, making stupid noises etc. Her attempt to get him to not tear around the house was feeble as fuck, did my fucking head in!

OhForFrigSake Sat 27-Feb-16 22:30:26

Never Voldys, we've been on holiday loads, at least a week a year and beyond the odd banged head when they've been racing around there's been nothing. As I said, they play really well, a lot nicer than DS does with his own brother actually.

WonderingAspie Sat 27-Feb-16 22:31:06

You need to tell her to stop telling off your child when you are present. It really winds me up when people do this. As the parent, I will decide if my child requires telling off. My nan does this a bit, sometimes I don't even get chance to tell them off before she jumps in, or she will tell them off when I don't think it is necessary. My grandad has said before it should be down to the parent if they are present and think this is right (unless you don't witness something bad/aren't in the room etc etc).

It would make me want to withdraw from the friendship. I have a boisterous DS (sometimes he is, he does like rough and tumble, like a fair few of his friends) and I have a friend who I am fairly sure doesn't like him, but not because he is boisterous, she just doesn't really like him. I've stepped back from her because her attitude towards my child pisses me off and offends me. YANBU. But you are probably going to get told that your child is naughtier than you are saying on here!

fuzzywuzzy Sat 27-Feb-16 22:32:38

OP said the children play well together. I'd take that as he doesn't hurt the friends DD.

I'd see her less too in your shoes op or without the children.

starry0ne Sat 27-Feb-16 22:32:49

I think you need to have a conversation with her...

What kind of things is she telling him off for...I lost touch with someone I have DS and she has DD...Her DD would do things like take the toy my DS was playing with ( they do this) but she would put it behind stair gate, out of reach when mum wasn't looking.. As you can imagine my DS didn't respond well...

OhForFrigSake Sat 27-Feb-16 22:33:13

Well, if he is boisterous, her DD is like that too when they're together. She does a bit of running around and stuff too. Generally she's not assertive but they tend to be evenly matched in play.

I'm not saying he is an angel. He is a 5 year old boy and isn't always perfectly behaved, I will be the first to admit that. I don't know many 5 year old boys who are perfectly behaved 100% of the time though and I do pull him up on any bad behaviour I see.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 27-Feb-16 22:33:39

No I don't doubt he is an angel, just like the rest of us, but I also doubt her DD is an angel either. Yes she might be quiet but that doesn't make her to Arch Angel Gabriel.
Any shouting at children. The parent/s/guardian/s do it.
Id have gone nuclear on the bitch before now.
He doesn't sound bad at all. Just a typical, playful mischievous fun loving little boy.
I hate the my child is a saint everyone else's is a little shit brigade of parents.
I've never been like that. FFS my DD has her faults. She's human.

Chocolatteaddict1 Sat 27-Feb-16 22:33:55

I'm in two minds...

At first I though you was actually one of my friends who I have stopped seeing because of her son. Her little ds is 'boisterous' who scratched my dd face to shreds drawing blood. My friend was a wet lettuce over it and I now avoid them both.

BUT obviously it's not and if he genuinly hasnt physically touched her dd then I'd tell her to back off. It's hard to relax around a child that might do something to your child especially if the mother doesn't really give a shite.

Chocolatteaddict1 Sat 27-Feb-16 22:34:57

It's got nothing to do with being a boy either. It really is a parenting issue.

HeartShapedBox Sat 27-Feb-16 22:35:06

Is she like this with other children, OP, or just yours?

Can't believe she's got the gall to blame your son when it's her daughter that's acting up - is she precious generally?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sat 27-Feb-16 22:35:07

Sorry amednent on line 1. Disregard the word don't

Howaboutthisone Sat 27-Feb-16 22:35:16

I think it can be difficult for people to see other children as boisterous if theirs is an angel and super well behaved. I say this as DS is so quiet, listens to every request and is generally really well behaved. Dd is far more 'characterful' and sometimes the difference between the two could make her seem 'naughty' when actually she's well behaved but challenges too. It's the opposite end of the scale thing that makes her seem more 'naughty' than she actually is iyswim. So I see your description as boisterous as a reasonable one.
I would speak to your friend and raise your concerns. If the alternative is to see less of her, it might be worth raising it- it could go well or if not, you'd see less of each other which is the alternative option here anyway.
Hope that makes sense- I've had a glass or two!

SirChenjin Sat 27-Feb-16 22:35:19

You've already said that you always pull him up on silly behaviour so as long as you do I think you just have to cool the friendship somewhat, or maybe meet without the kids if that's possible?

I've seen both sides - I have a friend whose son is an absolute nightmare and she sort of simpers at him. She's lovely, but I have cooled things off because I can't stand the way he is to DC3. Otoh, there are parents who do helicopter and will jump in at the drop of a hat to 'protect' their cherubs from what is normal, lively behaviour.

gamerchick Sat 27-Feb-16 22:36:20

Have you posted this before? I have the proper de ja vu thing going on.

Just bin them off life is too short even if you may be seeing your son through roses.

OhForFrigSake Sat 27-Feb-16 22:38:40

He certainly hasn't scratched anyone, he and the DD don't fight, they seem to really love each other - he tells me she is his best friend, and the mother is my best friend too so it should all be fine shouldn't it.

I'll give my examples of DS bad behaviour - putting his drink on the table rather than on a mat or tapping his knife on the table 'drumming' (which I get is annoying as hell and drives me bonkers too!) but I don't have chance to step in and say 'stop it' before she has!

Howaboutthisone Sat 27-Feb-16 22:39:35

With those examples I'd just tell her to back off! That's crazy!

OhForFrigSake Sat 27-Feb-16 22:40:43

I certainly aren't seeing my son through rose tinted glasses. He can be annoying at times and I bloody well tell him so, but I am now so alert all the time because my friend seems to be watching him like a hawk, almost waiting for a chance to tell him off if that makes sense.

MajesticWhine Sat 27-Feb-16 22:41:05

This would irritate me and I would have to say something. She sounds a bit over the top and over anxious. It's a bit offensive to your son and it's not good for her child to be all over her intervening the whole time. Could you have a frank conversation about it? If not then it sounds just too tedious to have a play date.

Naicehamshop Sat 27-Feb-16 22:41:09

Speak to her about it - that is the only way forward. FWIW she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

SirChenjin Sat 27-Feb-16 22:41:44

If that's as bad as it gets and she's behaving like that then she's in danger of losing you as a friend - that's not on.

Next time she does it can you just say firmly but nicely that you will deal with it from now on?

YesterdayOnceMore Sat 27-Feb-16 22:44:32

Without knowing what boisterous actually means in the context of your child, it's hard to say.

But I do know someone who blames a friends child for everything. They are both lovely boys, but if friends son does something, it's his fault. If her son does something it's either an accident, he's showing off for other boy or copying the other boy... So going on that, I would cool your friendship for a while.

lalalalyra Sat 27-Feb-16 22:45:37

With those examples I'd tell her to back off. It's up to you to parent your child and she should leave it to you. If she doesn't like the way you do it then she should either tell you she's unhappy or she should stop spending time with you.

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