AIBU to change DS's room a bit, remove posters, add some nice bits? To make it nice for visitors.

[BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate]

I really thought this would be ok. But my DD (age 17), thinks not!

So, my DS left home last September, for Uni. He is only 30 mins away by train, perhaps 40 mins by car, but nonetheless, he decided to stay in Halls, which I totally agree with. He has made some lovely friends and is having the time of his life. He does not come home at weekends, he is too busy partying! He went back to Uni after Christmas, and I haven't seen him since, (although we text daily). He and 4 friends will move in to a rented flat this July. Deposit has been paid, contract signed etc. So, I know he won't be coming home to live any time soon! I suspect never, it's a 5 year course and he wants to be in the thick of things rather than commute.

So, I thought I would remove the truly awful posters from his room, and put a nice picture up in their place. I wouldn't throw the posters away, just roll them up, in case he wants them later (he won't, imo). I thought I would also add a few niceties, like candles and stuff. Basically, to make it a nice guest room for visitors. My Sister, her DH and their 2 year old are coming in March for a weekend, and I think it would be nice to make the room more homely and remove the very scary skull posters, that would most likely freak out the 2 year old. My parents are coming in May.

DD says that if I change the room, DS might not want to come home. But the thing is, he doesn't come home! I texted him the other day asking when he might visit was secretly hoping he'd say he would visit me on Mothers Day and his reply, was that he had "no idea", and that he'd "not given it any thought, as he was having so much fun".

Surely to goodness, I don't have to keep his room "as is"? I should also say that this isn't his room since he was little. We moved in to this house when he was 16.

[LastInTheQueue]

I would just tell him that seeing as he's now moved out to uni, you want yo make his room the spare room. Obviously he can come home and stay, and would be very welcome to, but it makes no sense to leave it as "his" room.

Your DD IBU.

[PansyGiraffe]

He may change his mind over the summer about not coming home - usually it is pretty quiet then.

But yes Yabu - take the posters down if they are scary for a small child, but don't impose your taste on the room without his agreement (and if you ask, prepare for him to feel you are pushing him out. My rented student places were never home.)

[Sparklingbrook]

I think that's perfectly reasonable. It's not like you are taking everything to the tip and turning his room into a gym or anything.

Take the posters down and make it so you can use the room.

[Switchitup]

I suppose yanbu but I don't think I'd have liked it if my parents did this to me.

[edwinbear]

My mum turned my bedroom into a spare room the day I left for uni! I didn't feel at all pushed out, I still slept in it when I went to visit but it would have been ridiculous for me to stake a claim over a room I used a handful of weeks a year.

[Sparklingbrook]

But if and when he comes back he can have it back the way it was.

[CantChoose]

Please don't do it without asking him. Or at least telling him. I was heartbroken when my father did this to me. All my stuff had been riffled through and boxed up and it felt like I'd been burgled!! I just arrived home (after he had badgered me to visit) and my space had gone. Had he asked me it would have been absolutely fine - I probably would have come down to help... There were background issues, of course. I've never properly forgiven him for making me feel so pushed out and forgotten though I'm fairly sure he doesn't know that.

[Mrscog]

I think I would just make it suitable for guests but change as little as possible - so posters down, but don't add extra stuff like candles. That would have really pissed me off when I was at Uni.

Also, you need to tell him before you do it, to give him a chance to let you know if there's anything he doesn't want touched etc.

[Crispbutty]

Have you asked him?

[blackcatwhitewhiskers]

I think it's still his home, sorry. Wait until he's 'really' moved out.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

It's his room. I'd leave it.

[BillSykesDog]

YANBU, it sounds a little like you're engaging in a bit of tit for tat because your nose is out of joint he doesn't come and see you often.

Have a word with him, say you want to take down the posters etc because of the children, see how he takes it, you may be able to get away with a bit more depending on his reaction.

But I think going away from a room full of skull posters and coming back to full on candles and framed prints is a bit much.

[NoCapes]

I would probably have completely redecorated it by now
You're not making it impossible to come and stay, but since he's moved out - so it's not his room anymore, keeping it as some kind of weird shrine is just, well weird

[camtt]

I would let him know and say you will put the posters up again in his honour when he comes back (at least for a while). If you are good humoured about it and make clear it isn't about him not being welcome perhaps not likely he'll have a problem with it since he seems settled at uni.

[Sparklingbrook]

If he was that fussed about the posters he could have taken them with him.

[ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs]

I'd Wait until he's actually moved out and I would let him know what you intend to do. But I don't think YABU generally. When I went to uni, my brother moved into my room as it was bigger and had an en suite. His old room was converted into a guest room that I used when I came home for the holidays. I was fine with this. I no longer lived there, what was the point of keeping my old room like a shrine?

[Homemadearmy]

I would ask him and see how he feels about it. Surely anything he really wanted he would have taken with him, so maybe he isn't attached to the posters etc

[Mouthfulofquiz]

I would ask him. Just say 'would you mind if I cleared a couple of drawers and changed the pictures when my sister and family come to stay'?
I wouldn't have minded at all and neither would my brother. In fact, he moved into my room the second I moved out and I was happy for him! Now he's moved out, my mum has turned it into a sewing studio.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I think for the sake of visitors in March and May, who can put up with his posters for a weekend - why on earth csnt they? - I would rather look after my son and make him feel welcome to come back to his home.

[DinosaursRoar]

Call him and explain you think his cousin will be scared of the skull poster and you hope he doesn't mind if you take his posters down when they are visiting, and he can put them back up or move them around next time he's home.

[JolseBaby]

A week after I left for Uni, my Dad had re-wallpapered my room, boxed up the stuff I'd left and put it in the loft and turned it into a sewing and crafts room for my Mum. When I went home for visits I either slept on the sofa in the living room, or in a sleeping bag on the floor of my sister's bedroom!

YANBU. If it's going to be a spare room then there will still be a bed for him to sleep in. If he's about to sign a lease on a flat then he isn't living at home any more (although he may move back in once he's finished Uni). You just need to text him to say that you are going to box up his things, so not to worry because you will hang on to them rather than getting rid, because his room is going to become the guest bedroom. The key part being 'tell' (but nicely) rather than 'ask'. It's your house - he now has his own place.

[blackcatwhitewhiskers]

He hasn't 'moved out' though - halls of residence mostly expect students to return home for the holidays and have a permanent address elsewhere.

I'm coming at this differently - I left to go to university and essentially was thrown out (long story but parent moved house to a different area of the country to the one I grew up in - I didn't even have their address.)

Here are just some of the issues it caused:

I was stopped by the police on a random driving check and I had no permanent address so couldn't drive my car.
I missed some payments to a credit card as I moved so much (nine times in a year) I missed the bill.
I lost so many childhood trinkets as everything literally had to fit into the back of the car.

Bloody nightmare.

I get op isn't doing that - but he hasn't 'moved out.' This is a trial run. Moving out will come in a few years. Redecorate the room then.

[GlitteryShoes]

I would tell rather than ask, but ask for input ( whether to keep posters etc). We have altered our ds's room but still have him in mind with lots of storage etc and we still ask if people can stay in his room.

[Gotosleep123]

I'm with a pp- my mum changed mine as soon as I left for uni, I never minded at all. Asking him might suddenly make it an issue to him. As long as you don't throw stuff away I can't see the problem

[JolseBaby]

Blackcat - he's in halls at the moment but is about to sign a lease on a houseshare with friends.