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AIBU?

A birthday part one!

29 replies

Oakmaiden · 27/02/2016 11:01

I am expecting lots of people to say that IABU because I know that the prevailing MN view is that children should be allowed to invite who they want to their parties. I have my flameproof jacket ready, and I am a big girl, so I can take it. :)

However, there is no way I would allow my child to do this.

Basically, my daughter has recently started comp (so is 12). She is the only person from her old school to move to this one, but she did have a group of friends before she started from an outside school activity. One of these (B) lives close to us and dd considers her a best friend.

6 months on and the girls have a very similar friendship group, but things are a lot rockier between B and dd. DD is very definite that she wants to be friends with B, B blows fairly hot and cold. But, as I say, their friends are pretty much all mutual, so they socialise a lot.

B is having a birthday party. She has invited the whole friendship group. Except for dd - she has instead told dd that she isn't inviting her because a lot of the people coming don't really like her. She has said that they (B and dd) will go to the cinema together instead on another day.

Her parents are OK with this - they seem to think it shows their daughter is being sensitive to the peer group. Her daughter has told them it is because a particular girl (C) dislikes dd - despite the fact that dd was invited to C's birthday party 3 weeks ago.

DD is of course distraught - not only is she being excluded, it is also being inferred that her friendship group all secretly dislike her.

There is just no way I would knowingly allow my daughter to exclude someone in this way. I am upset on dds behalf. I think it is hugely unkind. Am I being unreasonable in that?

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Deletetheheat · 27/02/2016 11:06

Oh your poor daughter, I'm sorry.

You are not being unreasonable but there is nothing you can do to change it - don't speak to the girls' parents, they obviously think it's fine and are oblivious or unbothered by their daughter's unkind decision.

All you can do is speak to daughter about how she feels and be honest say you think it's shitty but life is shitty sometimes, as are people. Encourage her to stand up for herself and if she decides not to be friends with this girl anymore that's fine too. I wouldn't make too much of a drama of it, for her sake.

All this stuff is very common at school with girls (I have three daughters) so it's important she learns how to deal with it and feel good about herself.

Oakmaiden · 27/02/2016 11:10

I know there is nothing I can do, I think I am hoping for affirmation that it wasn't OK and I am not unreasonable to feel upset for my daughter. Even if she was invited at this stage it would be incredibly awkward and I wouldn't let her go.

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CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:10

It's really horrible when this happens to your child. I remember a very similar situation when my own dd was 12. I was sick with fury at the parents for supporting the nonsense but there really is nothing you can do about it.

It's a harsh life lesson that not everyone is as reasonable or considerate as you and some are just downright cunts.

Early high school friendship groups are rife with this kind of shite. Hopefully your DD will get better friends soon.

Good luck op, I feel for you both.

ZiggyFartdust · 27/02/2016 11:14

Its the kind of thing 12 year old girls are wont to do....which is why their parents should step in and teach them how not to be dicks. Unfortunately this childs parents are bigger dicks. There is nothing at all you can do about it though, other than teach your child far better than they have.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 27/02/2016 11:16

Using more age appropriate language I would tell your dd to tell her friend to shove her cinema invitation up her arse

Penfold007 · 27/02/2016 11:21

OP I really feel for you and your DD. DD may want to be friends with B and the feeling isn't mutual. DD needs to look elsewhere for her friendship group and dump this toxic frenemy.

Oakmaiden · 27/02/2016 11:27

Penfold - I know. I am encouraging her to build stronger friendships with others in the group and I have asked the school to make sure she gets the chance to interact with a variety of people in lessons, so hopefully she will build more relationships. She is quite shy about building friendships with people she doesn't know well. I phoned the school yesterday, and her head of house said she had noticed that she has become very unhappy and withdrawn over the past month or so, in contrast to her usually confident and enthusiastic involvement in lessons and school like.

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CooPie10 · 27/02/2016 11:28

Yanbu your poor dd. I can't believe parents actual support this. Your dd shouldn't bother with the cinema , why should she be treated like a second option.

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:30

Me again, our situation was identical to the point "friend" was deining to spend time with dd after the party in a "throw her a bone" type way. DD declined thankfully.

Oakmaiden · 27/02/2016 11:33

Thing is, B is usually a really nice little girl. Quite lovely. She has even been on holiday with us. And her parents are ultra sensible people.

Which I suppose is why I have been a bit shocked by it. If it wasn't someone I had such a high opinion of it would have been easier to dismiss.

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Penfold007 · 27/02/2016 11:36

Oakmaiden just keep on supporting your daughter

RubyRoseViolet · 27/02/2016 11:41

God, how horrible. Isn't it a bloody minefield, negotiating the highs and lows of girls' friendships? I agree there's nothing you can do besides reaffirm that this is nasty behaviour and discourage your Dd from accepting the consolation "prize" some weeks later.

Dd has a so called friend that behaves like this, is extremely rude to her at school and barely speaks to her and then calls her occasionally at the weekend begging her to go out when everyone else is obviously busy!!

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:43

Me again, our situation was identical to the point "friend" was deining to spend time with dd after the party in a "throw her a bone" type way. DD declined thankfully.

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:44

Sorry, I don't know why that posted twice.

Sandbrook · 27/02/2016 11:44

So you know the parents are believe them to be sensible. If that's the case you could approach them in a rational way and say your DD has got a bit upset as there seems to be some sort of mix up between her and friend.
I would imagine you'll find out that they know nothing of the plans and it may set your mind at ease.
I couldn't sit back and not say anything. Not everything has to taken on the chin as a valuable life lesson. Some things are worth speaking up for

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:49

I too thought the parents were good people and the girl had been on holiday with us. It stings, it really does.

CaptainCrunch · 27/02/2016 11:55

I disagree sandbrook. It's pointless interfering, then the dd just gets ridiculed because her mum wades in. I've seen it countless times through my job and friends experience. It's very common and it's not pleasant but the best revenge is living well. Hopefully ops DD will rise above this and get a better group of friends.

Deletetheheat · 27/02/2016 11:58

I agree Crunch

Much better to keep doing what you're doing OP

It's dreadful seeing your kid hurting

vdbfamily · 27/02/2016 11:58

My dd was 13 yesterday. She refused to do anything for her birthday because some of her friends do not like each other and she did not want to leave any of them out but did not want them fighting. I actually suggested that she had a few of the ones who got on for a sleepover and did something separate like cinema with the other one but she refused as did not want to upset anyone. It is such a nightmare at that age but not sure of the solution.
My DH and I always fall out over the kids birthdays. He feels very strongly that they should just ask who they want to come. I don't like kids being left out and I try and force them to invite my friends children so that they are not offended etc. My kids have also had a rule that numbers are restricted to the age they are so age 7 they can ask 7 friends etc. Whilst this has controlled numbers nicely, it means you cannot just invite anyone and everyone.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 12:04

Fuck me that's a horrible thing to do to your DD. Not the invitation/non-invitation thing, that's fairly standard - but to tell her that she's not invited to the party because the other girls don't really like her, that's vindictive and cruel.

I don't care if child B seems really sweet and nice - that's a foul and poisonous thing to say to your DD. Perhaps her sweetness and niceness is just a cover for her evil insides; and people fall for it and can't believe that she could do something mean like that, she's so nice!

Urgh.

I'd tell your DD to steer well clear of B from now on, find other friends. Gruesome situation for her :(

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 27/02/2016 12:04

My DD did similar - girl A was a bit of a drama queen and would rule any situation - she thought DD was her BFF - however DD did not see things that way - she didn't want A taking over the party and doing her usual crying/locking herself in the toilet etc

(Which she did at a sleepover at 4am)

So A had a cinema invite - both wanted to see the film they went for tea before hand -

Some friends just aren't party friends -

If you look at your relationships - some do coffee some do days out others are holiday friends - it's all relevant

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2016 12:28

But Sally - did your DD tell her dramatic friend that none of the other girls really liked her and that's why she wasn't coming to the party?

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Grapejuicerocks · 27/02/2016 12:43

Oh your poor dd.

That's really mean of her. How well do you know her parents? If quite well, I'd perhaps mention she is upset and why but not in an accusing way.

Does your dd want to go to the cinema now as a poor substitute?

Friendship groups do change at this age. Just be there for dd and help her not to take it personally. It's just what happens when they all go to secondary school.

Grapejuicerocks · 27/02/2016 12:45

Oh your poor dd.

That's really mean of her. How well do you know her parents? I'd perhaps mention she is upset and why but not in an accusing way.

Does your dd want to go to the cinema now as a poor substitute?

Oakmaiden · 27/02/2016 12:52

Sally - my daughter doesn't behave badly at parties though? In fact the criticism B has levelled at her (according to her mother) is that she stands on the sidelines and watches too much rather than taking part. Which is because dd is very wary of pushing in where she isn't welcome.

However, even if she were a right pain it isn't kind to say no one likes her. Especially because I don't think it is true.

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