To not want to meet or hear about Dad's new partner...

(15 Posts)
bumbleclat Fri 26-Feb-16 21:21:58

My Dad left his partner of 16 years for another women who he is now seemingly living with.
I have recently asked him not to talk to me about her for a while because I am finding it really hard to get my head around (his ex DP and me are good friends)
I feel terrible for asking for more time but I simply don't ike the sound of this women (floating around him for two years, texting him all the time, turing up at his house crying when breaking up with various boyfriends, I just think Im not going to like her)
AIBU?

ProcrastinatorGeneral Fri 26-Feb-16 21:25:09

You can't be forced to deal with her. Just don't be surprised if your dad does a diva flounce. They sound as bad as each other.

bumbleclat Fri 26-Feb-16 21:30:05

My dad can be a bit manipulative he has told me that my sister has been 'really supportive' to try and guilt trip me. (She has lived in France for the past decade so easy for her to be!)
Am I happy you left a partner who was drinking too much? Yes
Am I happy that you are finally being honest with yourself about how you feel? Yes
Do I wish for your happiness and love you? Yes

Do I want to be forced to be friends with yet another of your women (whilst consoling your grieving ex-partner)? NO

BackforGood Fri 26-Feb-16 21:41:15

Well - up to you entirely, but I'd be nosey if nothing else. I certainly wouldn't make up my mind about a person without having met them, and I guess if she's your Dad's partner, you will either have to meet her at some point, or lose touch with your Dad. It is difficult when you are close to someone a relation splits with, but sometimes you have to not get involved and be a bit more open.

bumbleclat Fri 26-Feb-16 21:47:05

Im just not ready, I just hope I can get ready within the next year because I don't want to miss out on my RL with my dad because of this woman.

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Feb-16 23:46:24

I can understand the difficult position you've been put in and feeling that you'd maybe be betraying his ex if you met the woman, but you don't have to be friends with her, your dad would be unreasonable if he was making it plain that that was his expectation.

You meeting her doesn't equal you fucking his ex off.

In my mind (given it's easy for me to say as it's not my dad) it'd be easier to look at this in the same way you would if it was your DC's boy/girlfriend, ie it's up to them who they see and you're happy if they're happy.

You've said you understand why he left her (drinking too much), are glad he's being honest and you genuinely want him to be happy, I just wonder if you're a little too close to his ex and worried about how she would see this?

amarmai Fri 26-Feb-16 23:55:55

what about your mum? Maybe she feels hurt that you are so close to the exp?

bumbleclat Sat 27-Feb-16 09:42:51

re: My own mum and dad- I've never seen them together, they split up hen I was 1 and my sister and I were brought up by my dad.
This partner he has recently left has been a great friend to me and has helped me a lot in my life, it is similar to your friend's boyfriend cheating on them and you being forced to like and befriend their new girlfriend.
Im still in shock tbh.

Birdsgottafly Sat 27-Feb-16 10:18:43

""floating around him for two years, texting him all the time, turing up at his house crying when breaking up with various boyfriends, ""

Who are you getting this information from?

I can understand you being close to the ex, after 16 years, but drinkers are very good at sucking you in and being the victim.

I agree that you don't have to meet her yet, but you should listen to your Dad putting his POV over and be thankful that he no longer has to live with a addict, even a functioning one, is tough going.

This may be a rebound relationship, or one that helped him develop the courage to get out, it might not last, but it has done him a favour.

Knitmyshickers10 Sat 27-Feb-16 11:06:35

Just be aware that your father with very probably chose this woman over you. My father did this after my mother passed away. Within a few days of her death a woman was sat on my mums chair in his house - she was a 'family friend' who had come to pay her respects (fine), within a few weeks my father was dating her. My brother and I kept quiet and didn't make too much of a fuss as my dad had been unhappy in his marriage with my (alcoholic) mother - we knew that.

I accepted her but she was icily polite towards me and her body language and the way she spoke to me was clear that she tolerated the closeness my dad and I had but didn't like it at all.

A few months later he asked me to come and clear my mothers things out. I had a quiet and private word with him about being very careful about moving this woman in.

Everything I said to my father he went and repeated to his GF and she went ballistic. I told my father that I wanted nothing to do with her as she is nothing but a troublemaker (she couldn't wait to find something that she could start against me, I could tell that)

Effectively she has managed to completely turn my father against me, and because he only thinks with his dick he listens to everything she says.

He hasn't spoken to me or seen his only GC's for nearly a year now and she is like the cat that's got the cream by all accounts.

Shes moved into his home, erased every trace of my mother and spent a huge chunk of my fathers money that he got from an endowment after my mother died on home improvements. She will not be happy until shes completely taken my fathers house over. He's a goof 10 years older than her so I think it was the plan all along. Its not the money at all that is the issue with me - its the way that my father was so happy to let his relationship with me, my DH and children get cut just to keep her happy and in his bed.

I just hope karma really does work.

Deletetheheat Sat 27-Feb-16 11:09:13

God men are twats sometimes

You don't have to meet her. It's ok to feel how you are feeling. Your dad's feelings and ridiculous love life are not more important than yours. You don't have to defer to him.

thanks

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Feb-16 11:18:13

I would meet her.

Should he refuse to meet any of your future boyfriends just because he loved your previous one and didn't like how you went about the break up?

Honestly, live and let live or be eaten up by negative emotion regarding something that essentially isn't your problem.

Wish people love and happiness, accept that they make mistakes and that you can either punish them and yourself or simply understand that these things happen in life.......

bumbleclat Sat 27-Feb-16 11:27:37

Thank you birds gotta fly that is good point about addicts he is the king of enablers though and his relationships have always followed the same narrative: he rescues a (usually lovely) yes slightly damaged woman, he becomes instrumental in the enabling of their various addictions, he exits the relationship when he becomes unhappy/ uninspired.
It is true that his ex DP is an addict and I don't think she has quite admitted that to herself yet so maybe I should just steer clear until she is in the frame of mind to accept some responsibility for the fact he was not happy.

I am asking for some time that is all. Eventually of course I would love to show hime the acceptance that he has always shown me and my boyfriends. I want to be the 'live and let live' person as that is the ideal but it's just quite raw at the moment.

I suppose I am hoping that time will make it easier for me to embrace this change.

bumbleclat Sat 27-Feb-16 11:37:45

Knitmyshickers
So sorry that this has happened to you, how very painful sad men really are twats sometimes
I see it for me as a type of growing up, really realising that my dad can be the bad guy sometimes, nouns every claiming to be perfect.

I am grieving for the semblance of 'normal family' that his rl with his ex has afforded me. I now have a;
Father living out of a yurt with hip vegetarian temptress
Schizophrenic mother who I have to make all of the financial and emotional sacrifices to maintain a relationship with because she is limited by her mental illness,
Ex step-mother who is now a heroin addict
Sister who fears intimacy so lives in France and is very controlling about how much we can contact her (her phone only allows her to call us not us to call her)
Step daughter who is difficult for me because of my difficult modelling from my own step-mother,
My dad's now ex partner who is an alcoholic with her head in the sand,
Various lovely step siblings who are just travelling and having babies and to whom I am not that close
and ill very elderly grandparents.
My in-laws are lovely though I'm not close to them.
It just feels lie this has been the final blow to any kind of 'family' I had.

I suppose all that I can do is have my own children and try to make better decisions leading to simpler outcomes.

amarmai Sat 27-Feb-16 12:06:03

sorry to read all of this,op. Please do not try to be the saviour as it's not possible.

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