am I overreacting about childbirth?(61 Posts)
Me and DP are 25 weeks pregnant with our first baby, it was a surprise but we're both starting to really look forward too it. I'm still struggling with some personal issues about pregnancy and been a mum but I'm starting to slowly allow myself to feel confident, I've done this mainly by reading every possible thing I can and researching anything I'm unsure about. Plus watching YouTube videos of 'how to burp newborn' etc lol. Moving closer to my parents has helped alleviate some of those worries aswell lol.
These past few weeks I decided to tackle childbirth and have looked into most things to do with it. So I'm pretty aware of the basics now but I'm still petrified of been so vulnerable and at the mercy of the staff completely. I've worked in hospitals for nearly 8 years so I don't feel quite as confident in the facilities and the staffing levels etc. Anyway to cut a long story short I've been researching and reading and watching so many things but my DP hasn't looked into anything! Not one single thing. I try and talk to him about labour and what happens but he just gets frustrated and makes faces and tells me to stop telling him and making him nervous. He won't watch OBEM either which I've found quite reassuring.
AIBU or should he be taking it more seriously and actually want to understand what will happen to me during labour? Could there be a point where they will need to explain things to him if I'm unable to answer etc? Am I over worrying? I probably am. I'm so nervous
For the time being I would just let him know what he needs to know.
When to get you to the hospital and what you need to take.Are you doing a tour of the hospital and are you doing birth classes? If so, leave it till then.
As for OBEM - I can't watch that!
My DH to my knowledge, didn't really know what to expect beyond that and that was fine with me. We never got to go to birth classes for a variety of reasons. He was fine. He did all I needed him to do and all was well.
My DH didn't read anything either, but was extremely supportive during both labours (even when I swore at him etc). He refuses to watch OBEM too!
I wouldn't worry if he's normally a supportive type anyway.
I didn't even have a birth plan. When I was in labour my me asked me for it and my reply was 'I would just prefer not to have an epidural'.
That's was it.
Some people want I know everything. I didn't, it would have made me worse. I never bought a pregnancy book or magazine either.
I think at 25 weeks there is plenty of time. But also you can't tell him exactly what you want in every situation. It's impossible to cover every situation.
Also you may change your mind once you are in there. I had an epidural, didn't want one. In the end it was best.
Wanted one with my second and he came so quick, I didn't even get chance.
Having everything set in stone is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
I can't see a situation where you can't answer a question. Maybe during an emergency Caesarian, but even then it over to the medics and you would consent before.
Also I refused to watch OBEM too.
Your DP is not pregnant with your first child!
It may come as a surprise to you but many mothers dont read or watch a single thing to do with child birth. It isnt complulsory. It may make you feel better to do it but you are bejng unreasonable to dictate what your partner does.
It's pretty early yet. Maybe it still doesn't feel real to him? Anyway, I wouldn't worry about him not doing any prior reading etc. If you do antenatal classes it will be covered and if not you will muddle through.
But it probably won't be as bad as you think.
I went into such a rigid nightmare plagued terror over OBEM that I planned a home birth. I didn't get it in the end though. But I was OK.
Don't believe what you see. Being in labour and watching someone else in labour are two completely different things.
Speak to your midwife about your fears.
Try hypnobirthing, it really really helped me. And make a plan with your DH. Discuss how you think you'll feel in certain scenarios, such as pain relief etc. You may not need it but if you feel better about planning things go ahead. I made no plan but the drugs I was allergic to and then 'go with the flow and let me get on with it' in big letters.
You will be fine.
It's entirely up to the individual how much they research. You want to, fine, do it. He doesn't, fine, don't.
Are you planning on doing any antenatal classes he would go to?
My DH came to the classes but he didn't need to know anything really. He was just there to support me and we were guided by the professionals.
I researched the hell out of pregnancy and childbirth in every language I can read - I took NCT and NHS classes, pregnancy yoga, a hypnobirthing course, a breastfeeding prep course. I could have quoted the relevant bits of NICE on any aspect of childbirth. I took tours of the MLU. (A) none of it was the slightest preparation for the ELCS and no milk supply I ended up with and (B) DH, who was in a different country for most of my pregnancy as I was working abroad up till my no-fly date, was much more clued-in to the situation we actually ended up in. Possibly fewer preconceptions.
Honestly, OP, if researching helps you, go for it. But I think it's unreasonable to expect someone else to take it on to the same extent, especially as it sounds as if you recasting him as a replacement midwife, as you don't trust hospital staff. You'd do better to address your own anxiety than expect your DH to share it.
Interestingly, once my baby was actually born, I literally never looked into a single baby book.
Everyone is different, how you choose to prepare is not,always, how your partner will. Many many men choose to go with minimal information but still prove supportive and valuable. This is not happening to him at the moment, it is happening to you. Unclench a bit and enjoy the experience.
Mine had no interest in the birth details he wanted to know things like did I want drugs, would I take a section, would I give baby a bottle incase he was asked I wrote it down for him. I don't think making him watch OBEM will help at all just scare the shit out of him.
I think if he knows you well he will know what to do if he needs to make any decisions.
Yabu. You're entitled to read up on whatever you like. Doesn't mean it's actually necessary and your dp should too.
Also 'we' aren't pregnant. You are.
We went through my birth plan at 1 midwife appointment which was helpful for dh to be part if e.g if you need a c - section this is what will happen etc. Other than that the midwives gave us both the relevant info as we needed it eg ringing up and having the discussion about when to go to hospital.
I think it's better to take it as it comes because you have no idea what you will be like and what baby may need until you are there
In the nicest possible way your DP^ isn't^ pregnant, you are. You've still got a while for him to get interested and informed but to be honest it's nothing unusual for him not to be.
DH was vaguely interested, but not as involved as I was.. Obviously I was the pregnant one, the daily changes were happening to me. He cared, don't get me wrong but he wasn't being me!
When they were born it all changed, DH was extremely hands on and knew far more of the baby book advice than I did. He's still the same now.
All the best.
I didn't read anything or watch OBEM! Babies still came out! They didn't stay in shouting 'we aren't coming out till you read a childbirth book'.
Leave him alone, he is being supportive and helpful and watched OBEM is not actually birth preparation anyway. Perhaps try to chill and relax a bit.
I don't think dp knew anything about childbirth before my first labour. It was fine though, he just did what he was told.
If you are doing nct or similar he should get all of the info he needs there.
If it really worries you, can you ask someone else to be at the birth as well - your mum or sister who has given birth before, or perhaps a doula?
Do a course together. Preferably one where he learns some 'tools' to help you cope. Hypnobirthing online is just £30.
I think I sicked in my mouth a bit at the opening sentence. You're DH definitely isn't pregnant. That's something I'm certain of.
To answer your questions though, I think you're being a touch high maintenance, sorry. Look, you're pregnant. You're going to give birth. Then you have to feed baby and keep it warm and clean. You really don't need to research anything.
By the time you are in labour (which incidentally could be anytime within the next 18 weeks, you don't know what your body is going to do), all plans go out the window.
Just try to chill out and don't make problems where there aren't any.
What will happen will happen regardless of how many episodes of OBEM he watches or does not watch.
All he needs to know in order to assist you as you need will be advance notice of what your ideal birth plan is and under what circumstances you are willing to change your stance and take any medical intervention advised.
It would be handy to know how you wish to feed and if Breast will you accept formula if there is an issue in hospital.
What your feelings on any injections they may wish to give you and the baby are.
Who you wish to be notified (if anybody) of your admittance.
And that's about it.
i read nothing watched nothing
ive had three babies with my distinct lack of knowledge
My partner was exactly the same until I dragged him to a really good antenatal class which I think made it very real for him.
It's difficult for the dad I think as they aren't experiencing all the things you are going through and the urges you'll get (be it nesting or urges to read every parenting book out there).
They say a woman becomes a mum when she gets pregnant and a dad when the baby is born, whilst I don't really agree with that saying, I think it's relevant here. It probably hasn't hit him yet, but it will!
Good luck x
I'm with you, op - research is a good thing! Antenatal classes were invaluable - are you planning on doing any? Might be any idea to book them ASAP if so. They get booked up quickly! Nct ones are good.
I didnt do any reading ir research during my first pregnancy. Very relaxed pregnancy. I did some for my second, it did nothing other than make me aware of what could go wrong so i got stressed and panicked. So no, research is not always a good thing. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.
All that is expected of him is that he supports you when you need it, I don't think he needs to know the ins and outs if he's not keen.
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