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to want DP and I to set a date for the wedding?

(43 Posts)
ciabattav0nbreadstickz Fri 26-Feb-16 12:21:25

DP and I got engaged on NYE, so long too long ago.

I really want to start talking about the wedding and what we want, making plans, setting a date etc.

DP seems very reluctant to have any converstations about it and its starting to bug me a bit. FWIW, I'm thinking about setting a date for 2018 so a few years away to give us time to save up and plan etc.

I guess I just want to be able to start saving for things we need or maybe even paying some of the stuff off in instalments so we don't have a massive bill right near the end but I can't book anything or even look as DP doesn't want to talk about it yet.

He's said he wants to leave it a little while as we only just got engaged really, which I can understand but with wedding stuff costing so much money (venues etc) I think it makes more sense to start talking about it now and trying to plan even a rough budget so we know how much we will need.

What I'm worried about it that either a) years and years will go by and DP just won't be that bothered about getting married and it will never actually materialise or b) that we'll decided a date but then won't have enough time to save the money we need.

I do think that the fact I'm not yet divorced from exH is an issue for DP although he hasn't outright said it. I'm in the process of applying for divorce, set the papers off but unfortunately had them sent back as there was one box I hadn't filled it angry. I understand why this would be an issue for him but our divorce will be very very straightforward, there are no solicitors involved, it won't be contested and there are no financial or childcare arrangements to worry about so it is just a case of the judge approving the forms and waiting the necessary time period to get the decree absolute. Aibu to think that the whole process shouldn't take any longer than a year so why can't we book a date for a few years time and start planning?

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 12:25:08

I will never understand men who propose and then show no interest. I have heard it happen numerous times from female friends and family. Its upsetting and frankly insulting to the woman.

What is the point in asking?


BlueMoonRising Fri 26-Feb-16 12:26:42

I wouldn't be planning a wedding until the divorce was final.

I can fully understand why he would be reluctant to as well.

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 12:26:59

Oh, and UANBU

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 12:28:32

Blue - so why did he ask her then? Why didn't he wait until the divorce was final? Surely if that is how he feels, it doesn't make sense to propose when he did?

Oysterbabe Fri 26-Feb-16 12:29:37

Wait for the divorce then discuss it again.

TwoWeeksInCyprus Fri 26-Feb-16 12:33:36

When DP and I got engaged, I was happy to enjoy the time for several months just "being engaged" before getting onto the practical (and quite scary tbh) matter of planning a wedding and trying to sort out budget/guest list/location etc.

If DP had been awaiting a divorce, yes I think that would have slowed me up even more. I'd have hoped to hurry up his divorce by not booking a wedding until he had dealt with it.

mouldycheesefan Fri 26-Feb-16 12:33:52

Wait till you are divorced. You are currently engaged to one man and married to another. Perhaps not the most romantic situation!

YouMakeMyDreams Fri 26-Feb-16 12:33:52

I can understand his reluctance as you aren't divorced but also if that was the case why ask you? I know a few people that are engaged but don't seem to ever be getting married. I care not a jot but at the same time don't understand it. Dh and I were happy living together when he proposed but he proposed with the intention of getting married which we did 18 months later.
Have you asked why he's reluctant?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 26-Feb-16 12:34:30

Bulldog - getting engaged is showing commitment and intent. Most MNers would think that was a good thing.

I know people that have had engagements that lasted years before they got married and loads of couples who got engaged but didn't actually start planning anything for months. It's been two months, OP, not two years - that really isn't very long.

In his shoes, I would be wanting the divorce sorted before starting to plan your next wedding. I wouldn't be planning it until the decree absolute was in your hand - you SAY it's going to be easy but you didn't even fill the boxes out correctly. Who knows what else may happen yet.

mouldycheesefan Fri 26-Feb-16 12:35:11

Also the key thing to book is the registrar and I can't remember at what point they go through the whole 'are you free to marry' chat but in your case the answer is no, so not really ideal.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Fri 26-Feb-16 12:36:25

Well that's kind of my thinking bulldog, he knew that I wasn't divorced at the time and actually hadn't filled in or sent the forms off at that stage so he knew that I was still technically married when he asked me.

I do totally understand why he doesn't want anything set in stone until the divorce is final but at the same time I don't know why that means we can't make at least some loose plans.

I know he does want to marry me, he keeps mentioning things briefly in passing like 'when we get married....' and talking about when I'll be his wife and so on so I don't think he's dragging his heels because he's changed his mind I think its just the divorce thing bothers him more than I think it should if you see what I mean!

Kidnapped Fri 26-Feb-16 12:37:08

"I do think that the fact I'm not yet divorced from exH is an issue for DP"

There you go.

Sounds like you want a big do as well (if you are talking about planning and saving for years for it). Does he want a big do as well? Did you have a big do for your first wedding? I'm only saying because a lot of people have a smaller affair for a second wedding - it doesn't tend to be years in the planning. Perhaps he wants a small do and is a bit put off by your wish for a big do. That, coupled with the fact that you are technically still married, might well be what is making him reluctant to go forward.

LizzieMacQueen Fri 26-Feb-16 12:37:50

The assumptions of above PP is that he asked you to marry him. Did he?

Not meaning to be pedantic but you say you got engaged not that he proposed.

mouldycheesefan Fri 26-Feb-16 12:37:50

I think you are being unreasonable expecting him to talk wedding plans whilst you are married to someone else.

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 12:40:04

Still - I understand that, I really do. And I understand its not ideal that OP is still legally married and already engaged, but it is what it is.

My point is - if he is that bothered about the divorce being final before talking about the wedding plans - why didn't he wait for the divorce to be final before he proposed?

Him showing a lack of interest is just weird, and insulting. OP just wants to talk about it FFS. He asked her - he chose to propose, and he chose to ask her when he did, knowing the situation, so why now is he not interested? Its baffling. Why didn't he wait?

JenEric Fri 26-Feb-16 12:43:23

We waited about 6 months before doing any planning. We just wanted to enjoy being engaged for a bit. Planning is uber stressful and tbh best done once divorce is done and dusted.

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Fri 26-Feb-16 12:48:00

Yes he did Lizzie smile

I don't want a massive wedding. My first was fairly big but mainly because my parents paid for the vast majority of the wedding and so invited a lot of people who I would not have chosen to have.

This time around I will not have their financial assistance (I wouldn't expect any either) so DP and I will be paying for everything ourselves. We aren't broke but are on fairly low incomes so I want to allow a few years to make sure we have enough to pay for everything we want. As a very very rough guide I'm thinking about 5 grand in total but I know that DP has his heart set on a dream honeymoon destination which is quite expensive and will probably cost a similar amount to the wedding itself. Of the top of my head I can only think of about 50 people we'd be inviting if that (mostly family members).

DP is quite shy so I know he doesn't want a massive fuss and I'm fine with that. I think actually all the attention of the 'wedding day' could be a contributing factor to him being less than keen.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 26-Feb-16 12:52:34

Bulldog - There is no law that a man must start to plan a wedding within two months of proposing.

OP says she wants to get planning now. She says this to her DP. He says "I want to leave it a while as we've just got engaged really".

This is perfectly fair. OP then says she understands DP this but then promptly says she wants to get on with it. She wants to book places, start saving.

I don't understand why her desire to plan NOW is more important than his desire to wait for a while, and possibly until her divorce is absolute. It all seems a bit me, me, me not us, us, us.

Sorry, but I really don't see that he is being unreasonable. I'm not saying she is unreasonable either, but if there's already friction about when to start planning, I dread to think what the actual planning will be like.

BlueMoonRising Fri 26-Feb-16 12:52:44

I don't see anything insulting about demonstrating your commitment to someone with a view to marriage once the divorce is finalised.

But I guess people can choose to be insulted over anything..

froggyjump Fri 26-Feb-16 13:09:28

can't you talk to him about setting up a wedding savings account, if it is the money you're thinking about? You don't need to be looking at venues etc yet, but if you start a fund, that will all be more straightforward when you do start serious planning (e.g. you will have the money to pay deposits etc)

ciabattav0nbreadstickz Fri 26-Feb-16 13:11:15

- it all seems a bit me me me not us us us -

This is precisely why I'm not just going ahead and looking at things/planning stuff by myself because I want to wait until such a time that DP is happy to do all those things with me and is excited as I am. I guess I am just really happy that we've reached this point and can't wait for it to be a reality. I know it's very easy to get caught up in everything and go over the top but I'm trying to be realistic and not do that.

I think it doesn't really help that there isn't really anyone I have I can discuss it all with. I have so many thoughts about it all but not many friends and the ones I do have are going through their own relationship issues at the moment so are not exactly in the mood to discuss wedding stuff - they didn't even say congratulations to us but I understand that where they are at the moment it's difficult for them.

Also, and I KNOW this is unreasonable of me for it to even be in my head but DP's ex and her DP are planning their wedding for the same year (albeit earlier). I have no desire to one up them or get married before them or anything of the sort but they are picking up bridesmaid outfits and booking venues already etc etc. I guess I just want a piece of that with my DP.

Moopsboopsmum Fri 26-Feb-16 13:17:15

A divorce should not take a year, if you are in England. Mine took less than 6 months. Large second weddings are vulgar. I speak from experience. Elope to the registry office and have the dream honeymoon. Problem solved.

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 26-Feb-16 13:21:41

Redirect your energy into getting divorced

Shelve the wedding talk until you are free to remarry.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 26-Feb-16 13:22:14

I know you haven't been able to discuss this with your DP yet, but it sounds to me like you've already made some decisions. You've decided to get married the same year as his ex!

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