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am I? I really sweat the small stuff. but it MATTERS!

(37 Posts)
Givemecoffeeplease Fri 26-Feb-16 11:52:38

My DH and I always argue over the same thing - keeping the house organised, clean and tidy. He points out that in the grand scheme of things it's not important for the Tupperware to be organised, the cupboards to be tidy, washing to be away and the laundry under control. Now in a way he is right. It doesn't change the functioning of the world - but I'm on mat leave and not really in a position to cure malaria / ease world debt etc. It matters to me!!

For some reason I NEED the house to be tidy. I can't relax til it is. And I would like his help keeping it that way. How can I explain this to him without it seeing petty and inconsequential?

Full disclosure, our house isn't a hovel, it's always fairly presentable, so I'm looking for it to be tidier than average I guess. Aibu to think it matters and to ask for his help? He's a good guy and an amazing dad - he just doesn't care about the state of the house! And I'd like him to strive for my standards, but I'm aware that he does pull his weight and this is not about him not doing his share - it's just that our standards differ.

Thanks MN jury.

randomcatname Fri 26-Feb-16 12:04:00

Your house is fairly presentable and you're looking for it to be tidier than average. You'd like DH to strive for your standards. However he does pull his weight and you're aware your standards differ.

Personally I'm with him on this one. Sorry op.

lilypadpod Fri 26-Feb-16 12:11:29

YABU if it's presentable and reasonably clean.

Why not get a cleaner if you want it done to a higher standard?

Katenka Fri 26-Feb-16 12:14:19

Yanbu to want him to be 'at your standards'

Yabu to try and make him. These are your standards.

The house is clean and fairly tidy. He pulls his weight. Let it go.

Floralnomad Fri 26-Feb-16 12:16:52

YABU , if the house is reasonably tidy then why should he spend more time on it . I'm a SAHM , my house is tidy and presentable but my DH is a clean freak and will often spend a couple of hours cleaning the kitchen ( or recleaning the already clean kitchen) , that's up to him personally I've got better things to do than worry about whether there is a slight smear on the hob .

PerspicaciaTick Fri 26-Feb-16 12:17:46

If you want to clean above and beyond the necessary, then do it yourself. Providing your DH does his share of normal chores, the rest is up to you.

emotionsecho Fri 26-Feb-16 12:20:49

It's so much easier if things are tidy and organised, especially keeping things like laundry under control it actually means less time spent cleaning/tidying so more free time, so I'm with you on this one. Also, it is easy for things to build up when standards slip and then it becomes even harder to get things back under control.

However, it is very difficult to enforce your standards onto someone else and expect them to do it your way and keep it at that level. You need to compromise a bit.

pippistrelle Fri 26-Feb-16 12:21:14

it's just that our standards differ.

This is key. Why should he conform to your standards, rather than you to his? I hear you, OP, and in the early years of my own relationship could have written the same thing, but I have learned to accept that I cannot force my standards on to someone else. Ensure that the balance of labour overall in the relationship is equitable, but otherwise accept that if you want things done in a particular way - rather than in a 'good enough' sort of way - then it'll be up to you.

Essentially, try to be complementary to each other's domestic strong points rather than trying to insist that he emulate yours.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Fri 26-Feb-16 12:22:25

As long as DH does his share of keeping it usually clean and tidy then yabu to ask him to spend more time on it to bring it up to your higher standards.

acasualobserver Fri 26-Feb-16 12:22:41

My DH and I always argue over the same thing

Having the same argument is never good.

Branleuse Fri 26-Feb-16 12:26:02

yabu, if sorting out the tupperware is important to you, then you do it.

EponasWildDaughter Fri 26-Feb-16 12:30:01

I'm like you OP, and YABU. Warning - this post is going to sound like something from the 50s, but it works for us.

Under your circs. (house ok, but pushing for more than ok, DH pulls his wieght) this is your issue and if you want to spend extra time keeping the house extra nice then you are free to do so.

There are certain jobs which DH does which i don't touch (like the cars, and climbing ladders to do outdoor stuff) and there are jobs which are mine and he doesn't get very involved with. Our roles cross over on lots of stuff, like the kids and the basic housework, but the nitty gritty make it pretty part of the house is me. I like it that way. He wouldn't give a damn if the beds weren't made nicely, the curtains weren't pulled right and the china cupboard is a state. I do, and i get on with it!

OP I fear you are me!! I feel exactly like this and have had to accept that if I want everything to my standards then I have to do it sad DH always said, dearest DW the kids will remember you for the games you played and the food you cooked, the stories you read and the fun you had, they won't give a shiny shite that you kept the carpet lint free grin

pippistrelle Fri 26-Feb-16 12:35:47

they won't give a shiny shite that you kept the carpet lint free

Well, that depends: they might have inflated standards themselves.

Oysterbabe Fri 26-Feb-16 12:39:25

Yabu. If one of you has to compromise on your standards why should it have to be him?
If you insist on it being cleaner than average then you do the extra work.

SaucyJack Fri 26-Feb-16 12:39:44


Although, strangely, keeping all the kitchen plastics in sets is the one thing I get twitchy about.

I'm missing a purple Ikea kids' knife. I'm too upset to go on picnics for the foreseeable.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Fri 26-Feb-16 12:55:17

grin saucy you're one purple knife short of a picnic.

My partner is under the illusion that magic fairies do all our chores while I swan about on my days off but I'm happy to do the lion's share because he works full time. I get a sad amount of pleasure in having a clean organised house.

Junosmum Fri 26-Feb-16 12:55:29

I'm so with you -I could have written your post (I'm also on mat leave) but I appreciate that I am also unreasonable.

HereWeArePottersBar Fri 26-Feb-16 13:00:00

For some reason I NEED the house to be tidy. I can't relax til it is. This hit me. More than the you/your DH's different standards. Have you always been like this or is it a recent thing?

I was like this and look back with some regret that my anxiety over getting on top of the washing stopped me cuddling my babies. I wish I had spent more time with my DCs at this crucial age than fucking folding T-shirts and getting everything precise. I always thought - I will relax far more and have a better cuddle if the places is tidy/washing put away/dishes done. It was a load of bollocks. Do I look back and think wahyyyaahhh we had a tidy house in 2006? No. Not one bit. Do I look back and realise I did not make the most of the baby snuggles? Yes.

I am not saying you are not spending time with your DC(s) but just for you to be aware. I was eventually diagnosed with PNAnxiety.

Again, I may be projecting. But before accepting that everyone is saying your standards - your job - please question the need for those standards.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 26-Feb-16 13:00:35

Normally DP helps if things need doing - like he'll wash up or put shoes away - however if I have done these things and everywhere is reasonable - he won't do any extras - like say vacuum the stair or clean the loo -

I know what you're saying - but have given up asking!!

heritagewarrior Fri 26-Feb-16 13:22:35

I believe there's some research that says that living in a house that is not as tidy and well-organised as you would like it can have implications for your mental health and cause depression. Maybe it's not such small stuff for you, and DH should consider your aspirations for a more clutter-free home environment a bit more carefully?

wiltingfast Fri 26-Feb-16 13:29:50

Just remember it is HIS home too.

Imo a lot of stress and unnecessary conflict goes along within insisting everything in your home is done your way. My own mother was like this, caused endless rows about it and it was a TOTAL PAIN and definitely cast a shadow.

Best solution, get a cleaner.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Fri 26-Feb-16 13:41:04

I think you might have to give up on the Tupperware cupboard once your baby is old enough to trash it every 15 mins grin

In your shoes I'd try to pick the key areas that stress you out. Like detritus on kitchen surfaces or a permanent floorderobe in the bedroom and compromise on those ?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 26-Feb-16 13:41:28

If this was the other way around and HE was dictating what level the housework should be done to and you had to adhere to it - how would you feel?

Drew64 Fri 26-Feb-16 13:44:09

Your nesting ;)
YANBU and everyone in the house or who enters the house needs to tow the line!

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