To ask you to make an important life decision for me, because I GIVE UP.

(117 Posts)
IdBuyThatForADollar Fri 26-Feb-16 10:30:52

Honestly, I'm a ball of terrible anxiety. I don't know what to do.

Current situation:

Me:
Live 45 min commute from work - horrible journey with motorway driving. Costs me £50 a week to get to work. Work is in countryside.
Live on outskirts of London with a tiny house with a London price tag.
Work PT to be around for DD as has significant emotional issues
Spiraling debt as can't afford to live
Have a lovely DP who currently lives with us, but is struggling to earn much and I no longer make life plans based on the idea that relationships are for life (I know that sounds horrible, but my priorities are my DD and me).

DD(10)
Hates her school and wants to leave. Y5 so due to start secondary school next Sept. All schools locally are either selective academically/private or recently converted academies with brutal discipline regimes
Has some (ongoing diagnosis) SEN (probable ASD/PDA) and anxiety issues

We live about 10 mins from my parents, 1 min from one close set of friends and 10 mins from another close set and 25 mins from my sister and her DP.

My house is about to go on the market.

If I sell and move, to a lovely market town, I will:

Cut my commute to 15mins
Have better (and free) school choices for my DD with better SEN provision and better pastoral care
Have a bigger house
Clear my debt
Be approx £600 a month better off (1/4 of my take home pay)
Not live in London anymore
Be on a train line that goes to my parents/sister/friends
Live about a 40min drive from parents/friends and still a 25 min drive (other way) from my sister

I think I want to move. But I keep thinking about that 40mins - am I being very ridiculous? It's not far really is it? I am just so used to be very close to all the best people I know and I will miss them dreadfully. I feel quite distressed when I think about it.

Yet. I can't go on. I can't sustain the cost of living. I wake up at 3am with the cold sweats on when I think about my debt. I can't see a way out other than this. Another job locally to where I am now would be longer hours and probably less money. I can't remortgage this house as they won't take my now reduced income as enough for a mortgage, but if I move and sell I can buy a bigger house more cheaply with a reduced mortgage.

I want my DD to go to a school that will be a better fit for her than anything available locally. She is on the edge of all sorts of issues (food refusal, self-harm, crushing anxiety). She wants to move. She'd like more space and she likes the school she would be in the catchment area for.

Logic says go, as does some of my heart. I think it would be better for my DD long term. I'm ok with my own company if my relationship was to end. I would not have to worry about money anymore. I'd get an hour of hideous commute back a day. It all stacks up, but today I just feel unutterably sad at the thought.

Am I terribly self-indulgent? Am I hormonal? WWYD?

RudeElf Fri 26-Feb-16 10:34:48

Oh go for sure!! Definitely. 40 minutes is not far at all for seeing family.

Seriouslyffs Fri 26-Feb-16 10:36:18

Definitely go.

Schrodingersmum Fri 26-Feb-16 10:38:33

If for no other reason do it for your daughter

I Have a similar DD who just about held it together in Primary, my experience and that of lots of others on the special needs threads is that transition to secondary school may well make things much worse

A new school with better support, less pressure on you and more availabilty for support due to less travel for yourself will make your family life quality better flowers

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Fri 26-Feb-16 10:38:45

Definitely go! 40 minutes is easily doable and it sounds like both you and DD are suffering where you are at the moment and will benefit from the move.

ProfGrammaticus Fri 26-Feb-16 10:40:21

Book some dates with family before you move, so you know you will still see them?

Junosmum Fri 26-Feb-16 10:40:39

Totally move!

RufusTheReindeer Fri 26-Feb-16 10:41:04

Yep i would go

40 mins isnt that far you just need to make sure you make the effort

With regards to the 40 mins, a few years ago we thought of moving for dhs job...same sort of distance as you. Close family on my side, coukdnt imagine leaving my mum, dad and brother. Mother died, dad moved 3 hours away with his new wife and brother moved the same distance (opposite direction) with his partner...gits hmm

You need to do the best for you and dd and it sounds like the move is the best thing

FarelyKnuts Fri 26-Feb-16 10:41:04

Go. 40 minutes is nothing really. Everything else falls into place if you do it. Go!

Pringlesandwine Fri 26-Feb-16 10:41:07

Go. 40 min is nothing. I can see no reason for you not to do it .

AnotherCider Fri 26-Feb-16 10:42:26

Go, go, go, go, go, go!!!!!!! !

DawnOfTheDoggers Fri 26-Feb-16 10:42:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellyjiggles Fri 26-Feb-16 10:42:43

Go! 40 minutes is nothing.

Andrewofgg Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:15

Go and good luck

bushtailadventures Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:20

Move! It sounds like your, and your DDs, quality of life will be so much better if you do. Having always lived at least an hour away from family, 40 minutes is easy, especially if you drive/have good transport links.

If you go now, your DD will be starting at Secondary School at the same time as the rest of her year, which will make it easier for her too, all new together.Waiting would mean she has to break in to established groups, and that can be hard.

Catphrase Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:37

Im an hour and a half from my family, it's hard (more so as they wont drive to me) but it is how it is. Once you get going it's fine, think of it as just over half hour - suddenly sounds less.

Day to day your lovely short commute will make up for it not to mention the lower petrol costs. Your daughters school situation sounds crap and no reason to stay.
don't sit there paying crappy London prices when you don't need to.
Honestly the financial freedom is going to be well worth it.

UmbongoUnchained Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:40

40 minutes is literally nothing. I have to drive 40 minutes from my house to get to anywhere!

snowymountaintops Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:46

Definitely move! You will get used to the 40 mins getting to and from your friends and family and they presumably will come to visit you too. Your quality of life will just be so much better and you will have time to make new friends in your new home as you'll have more time and energy.

plantsitter Fri 26-Feb-16 10:43:57

If you do a pros/cons list, the pros seem to VASTLY outweigh the cons. And a 40 minute drive really isn't much to see people. You do it every day to get to work so you know you can do it!!

yomellamoHelly Fri 26-Feb-16 10:44:07

I'd go. Am sure things'll fall into place once you're there. Sounds like the best thing for your dd and perfect timing.

Naoko Fri 26-Feb-16 10:44:08

Definitely go! Look at it this way: you'll be 40 minutes from your parents, but only 15 from work. If you need to you can pour the saved driving time/petrol money into driving to see your parents instead, still do the same amount of driving, but have all the other advantages of moving.

IdBuyThatForADollar Fri 26-Feb-16 10:44:44

Thanks all. Especially Schrodingersmum, I really think the schools available where I live now will sink my DD. If she went to a selective (her issues don't affect her academic ability - yet) I think the pressure of that sort of expectation would feed her anxiety and the local academy has a great OFSTED but an almost military regime that she just wouldn't be able to cope in.

I wonder why I feel so completely stressed by it though. Presumably I just FEAR CHANGE.

Heyitsholly Fri 26-Feb-16 10:45:05

Go. Your quality of life will be so much better for you and dd.
40 mins is nothing i live 3 hours from mine. You just need to make the effort to book time to see them

thekingfisher Fri 26-Feb-16 10:45:39

I live very rurally and 40 mins drive is quite usual for taking ds to friends houses as well as my friends - honestly you adjust and prioritise... It will be so much betters . As some one said upthread when you no longer have the commute the stress and so little money then this may only be a minor inconvenience . You will also make new friends as well .... Go for it - life is too short

Owllady Fri 26-Feb-16 10:45:48

Do it smile

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