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to still be a bit wary?

(13 Posts)
olivegardener Thu 25-Feb-16 23:34:25

Basically in last year at uni I lived with one of my best friends in a 2 bed flat.

Her dp moved house to be with her relatively early on (this was always the plan) and proceeded to live in our flat for the next little while (this was not the plan), and to cut a long story short, I was full of "no problem at all" at the beginning but then started to feel a bit very used...

I liked him but started to get a tad resentful of the fact he was ALWAYS there and not contributing to bills, despite often being in the living room etc. and basically treating the place like his own.

Even after he "moved out", he still generally stayed over most nights and cooked there.

After a while things got better but then worse (long story which I won't go into) until they then broke up and the place was finally half mine again!

I like her a lot and she is so close to me in many ways; but sometimes I actually still find myself brooding over the injustice of it all blush I would never in a million years do this to a friend and expect them just to take it!

As I say, she really is a great person. But AIBU to be nervous she'll pull a stunt like this again?? Btw we don't live together now and won't be for the foreseeable future...

olivegardener Thu 25-Feb-16 23:56:02


bertiebuzzard Fri 26-Feb-16 00:15:52

Yanbu and I don't know how you poked up with a cocklodger but if you aren't living with her anymore I don't think you have to worry.
Ground rules in future

olivegardener Fri 26-Feb-16 00:23:12

Thanks! Yes, he was/is the definition of a cocklodger. He is late 20s now and has only ever lived at home with his mum apart from a brief hiatus at his girlfriend's flat funded partly be me Pathetic really!!

olivegardener Fri 26-Feb-16 00:26:12

I don't understand how a 29 year old guy (with a bloody paying job) can gladly tolerate being funded by two 20 year olds in full-time study, who work evenings and weekends to pay for their flat. Really don't see the appeal at all, in fact I find it really repellent

bertiebuzzard Fri 26-Feb-16 00:29:30

That's because you have sense! Your friend saw the light in the end too smile

Fatmomma99 Fri 26-Feb-16 00:53:48

what's your AIBU if you don't still live together?

olivegardener Fri 26-Feb-16 00:59:28

My AIBU is just that really, AIBU to still be a little wary of her even though we no longer live together...

As I say, I like her but have been left wondering if I can really trust her now sad - sad but there you go. I feel like her loyalties switched completely to the cocklodger and she just din't care how it inconvenienced me. Still bothers me

I don't think I would be able to treat a friend like that...

PastaLaFeasta Fri 26-Feb-16 04:24:45

Any chance you can air your grievances with her to get it out in the open and move on? Maybe she felt shitty about it and is able to reflect on her behaviour. A friend is dealing with this now and it's totally taking the piss and invading her privacy. Part of the problem is because boundaries were constantly being pushed a little at a time without being challenged and before you know it the BF is living there full time, even when the housemate is out. A uni housemate did it but it was a house of four so less intense.

As I've got older I've found relationships are less intense and all consuming, your friend may be a bit more chilled in her next coupling and a bit more sane and reasonable.

NickiFury Fri 26-Feb-16 05:28:59

Remember how nearly everyone dropped their mates as soon as they got a boyfriend at school? This is just a more intense version of that. I'm not sure why you'd need to address this really, it is done and finished and you'll hopefully never need to live with her again, I know I never would. I can't see what's to be gained from airing it out. In my friendship circle it would be more like "oh God! remember that awful bloke you moved in with us at uni?! What was going through your mind?!" And that would be it.

tigermoll Fri 26-Feb-16 08:50:41

I know what you mean -- the exact same thing happened to me, and reading this thread has brought up how annoyed I was at the time.

But to be brutally honest, the person I'm most annoyed at is myself -- for putting up with it and not saying anything. I'm so cross with myself that I didn't put my foot down, and instead allowed some lazy manchild to live rent free. AND he was nine years older than us and had a child who used to have his Saturdays with his dad in OUR house. This was while we were at Uni -- what a total loser.

There's little point bringing it up with your friend -- she probably realises now how U she was -- and since you have no plans to live with her again, I don't see that you should be wary. But learn the lesson and take it forward with you -- you don't have to go along with other people's plans just to be 'nice'.

OzzieFem Fri 26-Feb-16 10:15:28

This is the problem with sharing accommodation. The other person "forgets" to take into account how anything they do affects the others. I shared with two other girls who I had known for over 4 yrs, in a three bed house for over a year, and while we never had the boyfriend problem (we were all shift workers) never, EVER again.

RudeElf Fri 26-Feb-16 10:20:06

I'm a bit confused about why you are wary. You dont live with her, she hasnt been with him for 8 months. This is old news. Has she done something recently to annoy you and you're looking ammo to justify severing the relationship?

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