Talk

No it drives me mad as well. All my Tesco Clubcard points add up...to what? They don't even give me a total, just confirm that they add up. I should flipping well hope they did add up!

To fuck all really when you think how much you spend

They do though. Eventually. Gets us into zoos and trains and various attractions we might otherwise not afford. I hate Tesco but the clubcard has its uses.

Not related but did anyone else notice the self service machines wishing you a merry Christmas in December...?

I know they do add up or I wouldn't bother swiping my card that is why I find the statement so pointless.

Ha ha couldn't agree more

But the 'have you swiped your Sparks card' in M&S is even more annoying

Aah. See what you.mean. I always turn the volume down on those machines.

The new Tesco self service voice reminds me of the Talkie Toaster from Red Dwarf. -_-

What about the cashier who is giving you the receipt and has to read out to you the vouchers that come with it.

Thank you and next time you shop you can have 300 points for always ultra pads and 2 pounds off any tesco salad item, and 100 bonus points for danepak bacon.

FFS just give me the bloody receipt and i will read/discard as necessary.

They have adjustable volume??
I need to try this. Give me the rage every time!

Why do I need to press ok to say I've swiped my sparks card? You've just ac knowledge the swipe of my sparks card not get sodding on with it. I look forward to receiving 10% off girls tights aged 4-5 when I buy three pairs of boys' trousers (brown) age 13 -14 to be spent in the next 6 days.

Yes day they always make an attempt to look impressed too.
ooh look you get 10 extra point when you buy cheese!!

I am SO GLAD someone else gets driven mad by this. It is the nost ridiculously stupid phrase, and whoever thought of it needs to be fired.

I always feel irritated by the smugness of the voice that says 'have you swiped your Nectar card?' on Sainsburys self service tills. Yes I have actually. So don't imply that I don't have enough sense to remember, you judgmental syrupy voiced trout.

hang on, there's a volume control? where? why have i not seen this? I HATE those bloomin machines yelling at me! I'm off to Tesco to turn them all down as low as possible as my good deed for the day

I never felt I wanted to answer back when it was the woman's voice (Nippy Nora, the local Tesco staff called her), but the guy drives me nuts! They call him Nicer Nigel but I find him very patronising, and yes, I do swear at him when he says that!

I also tell him to Fuck Off when he tells you to find your items "or have a browse". Why the fuck would you have a browse at the checkout with a queue of people impatiently waiting their turn? That's what the aisles are for. I'm getting riled just thinking about it!

You are definitely not alone, OP!

Yak you may be taking this a little personally
<wonders if I can sneak in while you're shopping and adapt yours to say "have you remembered to buy stocks to feed your family their 5-a-day?">

I noticed this today funnily enough and thought they were going to say a total but they didn't and so it was basically stating the bloody obvious'

Stealth
I'm half expecting the voice to say 'Are you SURE you want that?' next time I scan some cakes.

Where is the volume option!!!??? This could honestly be one of those mumsnet tips that changes my life.

I'll just get "ten bars of chocolate scanned successfully" in a professional, tight-lipped yet disapproving way.

The one that really irritates me is the ticket printing machine at Vue cinemas, when you've booked your tickets online and need to pick them up. You start off with a woman's voice telling you nicely to insert your credit card, she's saying something else and then a louder BLOKE'S voice interrupts and bellows "printing your tickets now!". It's like he has to come along and take over from the little woman. Gives me the rage!

Volume button is one of three on front of machine and has a volume symbol on it! Press repeatedly to quieten or indeed make REALLY LOUD!
Other buttons are scale reset button and something else I can't recall.

I got told off for turning down the volume - apparently it is mostly turned off by shoplifters. I just said it stopped me turning violent.