Upset my friend hasn't asked me how I'm doing during a difficult time. AIBU?(8 Posts)
To keep a long story short, my father passed away in December at the age of 45. Since then, I've been dealing with the grief of losing my father at such a young age and struggling financially (he didn't have life/funeral insurance). As well as this, I'm currently a full time student and working part-time, so the stress of keeping on top of both of those things has also taken its toll. Combine all this with a pre-existing mental health condition and well, it's been a rough couple of months.
One of my closest friends, who's a man by the way, recently went through a sticky situation with a women he liked who is in a relationship with another man. It's far too complicated to go into but they're no longer speaking and he's been coming to me for support/advice/a shoulder to cry on.
I'm trying to be there for him as a friend but we're having the same conversation over and over again about this girl. Frankly, I'm bored of talking about it and hurt that in all the weeks I've tried to be there for him while he goes through what to me is a trivial situation he hasn't once asked me how I'm doing or if I need anything. He knows about all the financial, emotional, work and college stress I'm under.
Apologies if this post is long, badly written and ranty! AIBU and selfish to expect him to put his problems aside long enough to ask me how I'm doing?
Yanbu. Sorry you have lost your father so young
YANBU to feel upset. Unfortunately, many people become so wrapped up in their personal problems that they don't think to ask about others' stress and anxieties.
Your friend's emotional radar is turned inwards at the moment, and unless you actually break down in front of him, it probably won't occur to him that you are suffering.
He might even think that you've had time to "get over" your father's death - I think people sometimes underestimate the power of grief if they haven't experienced it themselves, and don't appreciate that it is a lengthy process to come to terms with it.
I'm very sorry for your loss, you must still be reeling from the shock.
You've heard that phrase about people being radiators and drains, right? Your friend is a drain, an emotional vampire, a drama llama. Anyone with half a scintilla of empathy (or a brain) would have buttoned it and woukd be supporting you right now. Get rid and find a friend who repays your obvious warmth and empathy in kind.
Sorry about your Dad too - 45 is so young.
Maybe he feels something trivial like this will take your mind off your father passing. He may think he is being helpful to you. However yanbu, I too lost my dad when he was 45 and found after 2-3 months people start to move forward
and forget about your still grieving
So sorry to hear about your dad. You must be pretty young - early 20s? It's a lot to cope with at such a young age. Your friend is selfish, I hope you have other people to care for you?
Love I don't want to be mean about your friend but life has taught me that there are 2 types of people. Drains and radiators.
Drains are self obsessed and absorbed and only see the world as related yo their feelings/actions/beliefs. They never hold back and tell the world their woes.
Radiators are warm kind people who are willing to listen, support and look outwards. They are listeners and usually hide their problems.
You need to find supportive other friends to help you
So very sorry for your loss. You sound lovely.
YANBU, Your friend is not one of those people who will be around for all of your life, he is a friend for now, because he needs your support.
You have been through a horrible time, and believe me you will make friends who will be there through thick and thin, and will support you no matter what.
You will also lose friends who you thought were important, but who were not. He is one of those. Don't fall out, because that is energy draining and stressful, but start to think about those people you know who really matter to you and care about you (some of these you haven't met yet, but you will)
Sorry for your loss. Life is full of knocks, but great times too. You will meet the people that will stay the distance and maybe remember this friend with fondness in time, but don't waste too much energy on him right now.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.