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AIBU to continuously fob off a friend who wants to stay for an extra few nights

(67 Posts)
Putty Thu 25-Feb-16 16:27:59

So, a friend has asked to come and visit for a few nights. She and her family (husband & two kids) come to visit about twice or three times a year since returning from a long stint abroad, which is fine. But I find that two nights is really more than enough. They have family nearby, who can’t/won’t put them up, so they like to combine their visit to family with a stay at ours. Up until now, we always had hardly any space, and it served as a good excuse really, as you can’t spend more than a few nights stepping over people on the living room floor in the morning. But we moved recently and now we have two guest bedrooms (well, one is a study with a pull out bed, but you get the gist). This friend has now suggested that since we have the space, they stay a few extra nights. I fobbed her off by saying that we are probably going to be going away. But I can tell she is building up to asking if they can stay on in my house if we aren’t there!! I love having guests, and have had several weeks of almost constant visitors. Most I’m sad to see go, and wish they could stay longer, but in this case, I’m just dreading it.

Naicehamshop Thu 25-Feb-16 16:30:26

Why are you dreading this particular visit if you are generally happy to have visitors? Is there something you haven't told us??

SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit Thu 25-Feb-16 16:31:19

Do you ever stay at theirs, OP? And if so for how long?
When they do come do they bring food, cook, help out?

They do sound very cheeky, though, and I'd hate to have visitors for so long too.

VimFuego101 Thu 25-Feb-16 16:33:41

She isn't coming to visit because she wants to see you - she's coming to visit because you provide free accommodation and are conveniently located to her family. Has she ever invited you to stay at hers?

TheSnowFairy Thu 25-Feb-16 16:34:09

'But I find that two nights is really more than enough.'

Yanbu. Good luck, I have a friend who is similarly thick skinned and doesn't seem to get that I don't want her, her extended family and her pets staying for days on end too hmm

DrSeussRevived Thu 25-Feb-16 16:34:28

Why don't you say 'happy to have you stay for a couple of nights but after that, we need our own space'?

Hissy Thu 25-Feb-16 16:35:14

Just say that 2 nights is the most you are able to accommodate. And leave it there.

DrSeussRevived Thu 25-Feb-16 16:35:55

The friend isn't really thick skinned - she's suggested a longer stay and the OP has said that she will probably be away. Why should the friend have divined that OP is unhappy with a longer stay?

DrSeussRevived Thu 25-Feb-16 16:37:07

And it sounds like OP has, in the past, said to the friend 'oh, we can't have you for more than two nights because we have no space' - so it's not unreasonable for the friend to conclude a longer stay may now be possible.

DrSeussRevived Thu 25-Feb-16 16:37:44

So yes, YABU - as you need to tell her, not fob her off.

GabiSolis Thu 25-Feb-16 16:40:11

Well you can't fob her off forever can you? Eventually you will have to bite the bullet and tell her no. You can be firm without being rude. I would wait to see if she mentions anything first though. Careful about giving an excuse about being away to get rid after a couple of days, you might find you have a Mexican house thief situation on your hands unless you are actually there to lock up when they leave!

thebiscuitindustry Thu 25-Feb-16 16:56:29

I fobbed her off by saying that we are probably going to be going away. But I can tell she is building up to asking if they can stay on in my house if we aren’t there!!

The problem with giving a reason for a no is that people will try to find a way round the obstacle. Just say you're only able to do 2 nights, and point her in the direction of the local B&Bs.

CooPie10 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:01:18

I would just say you are having family stay during that time so it's not convenient.

lorelei9 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:01:41

could you say someone else needs to stay?

how would she react if you were completely honest and just said you find it hard, in head space terms, to have visitors for a long time?

if it makes you feel better, I think a lot of people know what you mean. One or two nights is one thing but any more and it can be a bit funny unless you have a huge house where people can really come and go without you noticing.

Putty Thu 25-Feb-16 17:04:36

They aren’t great house guests, no. They create a bit of a nest and don’t clear up after themselves. They also seem to expect to be wined and dined. And her husband whines continuously about how difficult his life is. They just irritate me to be honest, and it’s difficult to put it into words without coming across as a horrible human being.

It’s difficult really. I don’t think we see each other in the same way at all. we have known eachother most of our lives, but even back when we were children, the subtle messages that she liked me as a friend more than I liked her never really filtered through to her. This is my comeuppence for being a wimp, I suppose. The fairest thing is to just state that two nights is enough because frankly I need my own space, and there is no way they can have my house because it is my space and I am not airBNB. I find it very hard to say no, and I don’t want to hurt feelings, but that probably is the long and the short of it. She may not be perceptive, but she is sensitive. Oh I am dreading this conversation!

HortonWho Thu 25-Feb-16 17:04:55

Tell her your airbnb rate is 150 a night (or whatever same as a hotel family room) and you'll need to check to see if you have availability on their dates

HortonWho Thu 25-Feb-16 17:05:34

Ha xpost

TomTomKitten Thu 25-Feb-16 17:08:36

They're not good guests and the husband whines about his hard life?

I'd call it a day on having them to stay full stop. You know, you can just say no!

GloGirl Thu 25-Feb-16 17:08:45

I really would have no qualms saying "I'm really sorry but 2 days is my limit for having guests, it causes me too much disruption otherwise. I love having you stay but I'd hate it to be so long that I would resent it, it's such a pleasure having you here."

GloGirl Thu 25-Feb-16 17:10:35

And if you never want them to stay, be mortified and tell them you have a bedbug problem, you're so embarrassed but it will take you a while to get it fixed.

You going to try some natural methods before you call in the professionals...

lorelei9 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:10:36

how close is this friend btw?

I'm wondering if you need to worry about offending her - tbh if they expect the royal treatment then it sounds like they could do with someone saying "here's the breakfast stuff, help yourself" - and prior to that you could say "sorry, 2 nights is much as I can do, I've got too much on" and you shouldn't have to explain that, you aren't a hotel.

BillBrysonsBeard Thu 25-Feb-16 17:12:00

They are taking the piss OP! Expecting to stay longer and staying several times a year.. But mainly because they don't clean up or help with meals etc. I would nip this in the bud, would it be a great loss if she ended the friendship as a result?

WeAllHaveWings Thu 25-Feb-16 17:14:18

tell her you've got a few guests/family coming around those months and you need some family time/dc get a bit over tired with so many guests so would prefer to leave it at 2 nights, alternatively if she wants she can postpone for now and see how your fixed (which will be the same as now) later in the year.

If she still tries just keep repeating, sorry we got a lot of guests..........

If she wants to set a date for a longer stay, just say lets see how we are sorted nearer the time.

Putty Thu 25-Feb-16 17:14:29

Glogirl this is great, I might just copy it! :"I really would have no qualms saying "I'm really sorry but 2 days is my limit for having guests, it causes me too much disruption otherwise. I love having you stay but I'd hate it to be so long that I would resent it, it's such a pleasure having you here."

Xmasbaby11 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:17:41

Yes please be honest and say 2 nights is your limit.

I'd be really hurt if my friend lied to keep me away - I'd be quite happy with the truth.

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