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To exclude my sisters married boyfriend

(179 Posts)
possum18 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:22:08

Just over a year ago my sister started sleeping with her much older boss, who was married to his pregnant wife (she was around 2/3 months pregnant when it started) whom he shared two other children with. Their affair came to light shortly before the third child was born and the wife was left to give birth and care for a new born and two young kids alone whilst my sister and her boyfriend went on holidays..etc.

My parents are very hurt by her actions and want nothing to do with her boyfriend, and have very little to do with my sister now.
They are moving in with one another this weekend, and all of a sudden my sister has become a lot more open about their relationship around me and our parents and has told us all that we are to be supportive and inclusive of her and her new life. She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say. I think what they did to his pregnant wife is disgusting.
I'm very heavily pregnant (and hormonal) and would like my sister to be involved in my life, but really want nothing to do with her boyfriend, who is still married.

My parents are trying keep civil as my very elderly grandparents would be devastated if they were ever to find out what my sister has been up to.

I don't want my sister to feel excluded but I don't know how to go about having her involved heavily in my life and new family whilst wanting nothing to do with her partner and his kids.

Any advise would be great fully received!!

FellOutOfBedTwice Thu 25-Feb-16 13:26:30

I think that she's your sister and now the relationship is legit, you need to treat him (and his kids) the same as her. So that either means having nothing to do with them or embracing them all.

You don't have to like any of it, but it's clearly not going away. You need to decide if how you feel about what happened from a moral standpoint eclipses your relationship with your sister. What if they have kids together, for example? I do think you need to treat them all the same, however that may be.

squoosh Thu 25-Feb-16 13:27:35

I'd continue as normal with your sister (whilst telling her that the Happy Families thing was a dick move and that obv the way they both treated his formerly 'happy family' was a major dick move) but you shouldn't feel under any obligation to be nicey nice with her awful boyfriend.

His poor ex wife, what a thing to go through.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:29:53

I would be disgusted too but now you have made your feelings clear on the whole thing why not just tolerate them all?

By tolerating only your sister imo you would be a hypocrite.

After all she is as every inch guilty as he is.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:30:08

My first consideration would be my sister, and I would be there for her.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 25-Feb-16 13:31:29

I think you need to talk to her. You're entitled to your feelings (I would be the same) and she is not entitled to just dictate that you 'be OK' with everything. Ok their relationship is legit now but it certainly didn't start that way and he has a baby less than a year old!

Tell her that things are still pretty raw for you right now, that your pregnancy really hammers it home the awful thing her bloke did (and her of course, but it's him who was married) and that as such you just can't be a part of their lives.

If it was my sister I would also tell her she was a thoughtless insensitive bitch to publicly post something like that but it sounds like you don't have quite the same relationship! I would probably also tell her that shacking up with a mistress creates a vacancy but that would definitely not go down well ....

FeelingFine89 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:32:01

I'd carry on having a relationship with your sister, but as for her boyfriend you shouldn't have to make an effort with him until you are ready to (if you ever are ready).

possum18 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:32:06

I feel so torn about it, I hate the idea of my sister feeling left out or excluded, but I just can't accept what they've done.
I know people make mistakes and I'm not trying to be on a moral high horse here, i just feel so badly about the whole situation and what they did.
Thanks for the thoughts x

squoosh Thu 25-Feb-16 13:33:47

It's different to me as she has a long standing relationship with her sister. A fuck up on the sister's part doesn't mean their sisterly relationship should be written off. Whereas this man has only come into her life as the married man who ditched his pregnant wife for the sister. He's nothing to the OP.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 25-Feb-16 13:33:53

The thing is though, feelings don't just change because the relationship is legitimised. I wouldn't be able to treat the boyfriend the same - I have had a relationship with my sister but none with him and wouldn't want one, so it's not as simple IMO as saying treat them both the same.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Thu 25-Feb-16 13:34:18

She sent me a picture with herself and his children and captioned it 'happy families' and I didn't know what to say.

This makes me feel ill so I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I think I'd need her to acknowledge that she did something utterly crap before I could forgive her but even then I'd struggle tbh.

She's essentially asking you to pretend that you feel fine about a situation which upsets you - so she wants you to lie about your feelings to make her feel better. It's not on really, is it?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 25-Feb-16 13:34:28

X-post squoosh.

lunar1 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:34:52

I wouldn't invite him. I'd struggle with her to be honest.

ManneryTowers Thu 25-Feb-16 13:36:19

Sorry but they are still married. The relationship isn't 'legit' just because he's now brave enough to move in with her.
Both he and her are equally to blame and can't expect people to treat their relationship as normal and healthy, because it isn't. The 'Happy Families' thing is a bit sick, in my opinion.
Be there for your sister but make it clear you don't agree with what she's done and don't wish to spend time with her boyfriend.

possum18 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:37:07

I think this has probably upset me now as I'm only a few weeks away from my twins being born, about the same as when his wife found out about the affair, and selfishly I just can't fathom how I'd feel if I found out dp had done the same, plus with them moving in together this weekend it's all just very relevant at the moment.

Great point about if they have a family together one day, I'd want to be involved with my sisters family just like I want her involved with mine, so at some point I'm sure I'll have to accept it all.

FoolsAndJesters Thu 25-Feb-16 13:37:20

I wouldn't exclude her or her BF but I'd tell her/them that you disapprove of what they have done and that you might take a while before you can used to it. You can 'support' and 'disapprove' at the same time.

I'd let her know that the 'happy families' thing is crass beyond belief.

I don't agree with some illegal things my siblings have done but I still see them.

RaspberryOverload Thu 25-Feb-16 13:37:30

Once a cheater, always a cheater (for the majority of men, anyway) so sooner or later, your sister is going to be in the same position the wife is currently in.

I wouldn't want anything to do with this man either.

whatevva Thu 25-Feb-16 13:37:36

DH's cousin did something like this - I think it went over my head at the time - he even came with her to our wedding.

Everyone smiled and nodded, were polite to him and a bit hmm in very private moments. With her, they were very much like 'you know what you are doing, we only want you to be happy' and although it was clear the rest of the family was not hugely pleased, they made him welcome in a polite way.

They are a polite family, and were always very polite to me, but then always made it very clear that they liked me a lot and I was family.

He left her, went back to the wife, came back again, then it ended. Then there was a sigh of relief and the subject was shelved.

No one seemed to like him very much as a person, though, no matter how hard they tried.

She eventually married someone more suitable (although still a bit hmm personality-wise)

Anniegetyourgun Thu 25-Feb-16 13:38:02

When a relative of mine was having a fling with a MM some of us made it quite clear that the gentleman in question was not invited to our homes or events we were hosting. If they were to turn up together on the doorstep they would simply not be allowed in. Fortunately the affair didn't last, but we'd have bet money on that anyway. Yours sounds a bit more problematic as it seems they'll be together for a while probably until she gets pregnant. It's difficult, though, isn't it? Sometimes the people we love behave badly, but showing disapproval by pushing them away can end up punishing ourselves even more than them. Consider also that if, or more likely when, it all goes pear-shaped she is going to need family more than ever. I don't think the fact that she effectively brought it on herself would be a reason to turn her away. But while she's still revelling smugly in having successfully poached someone else's husband, and three someones's father, it's not quite so easy to be non-judgemental...

theycallmemellojello Thu 25-Feb-16 13:38:10

I think it's a bit off turning against a family member because they do something you disapprove of like this. By all means make your feelings known but I think excluding her is really poor behaviour.

Fratelli Thu 25-Feb-16 13:39:18

I would completely lose all respect for my sister if she did that. I don't associate myself knowingly with bad people. They are bad people.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 25-Feb-16 13:40:09

Hmm, 17 cross-posts, that might be a record.

Penfold007 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:40:28

If your going to exclude and blame him you also need to do the same to your sister. She knew she was having an affair with a married man with children and a pregnant wife.

CooPie10 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:42:43

I would be too disgusted by her to even entertain the idea of 'have to' include him and his kids and play happy family. She's your sister but she behaved like a scum person. If she was anyone else you wouldn't think twice so why should an ex is be made for her. She chose this, it didn't happen to her. No need to feel sorry for her. His poor ex wife.

ivykaty44 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:43:09

I think you have to let your sister know that though you of course live her you are struggling with her actions. It is sticking in your throat as you can't imagine how it would feel to have this happen to you

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