To be peed off with DH regarding work situation?

[GreenFishYellowFish]

Sorry, this is going to be long!

Every so often DH will make a new friend through one of his hobbies and will be totally taken in by that friend and will talk about them loads, look up to them and do lots of favours for them, often at the detriment to family life.

DH is self employed. He met a new friend about 6 months ago who owns his own business in DH's field.

For the past 3 months DH has been 'helping this friend out' with a job, for about a quarter of the daily rate he would usually earn. He has made no effort to find anymore work of his own and seems to think that this work will lead to bigger things, when it is evident that that is not the case. The current project was meant to finish this Friday and DH has announced to me that it's been extended for another month now. It's also very long days so DH is getting home late and knackered every night, leaving at 5am every day, all for a stupid amount of money, and thus is too tired to take part in family life or do anything in the house.

I work, but don't earn anywhere near the level that DH earns and we are struggling financially and having to use savings. DH also announced yesterday that we can't afford a holiday this year. All because he's allowing himself to be exploited by his friend.

AIBU to be pissed off with DH? With a little bit of effort he could easily secure some far better paid work, but all he wants to do is help this bloody friend out!

[GreenFishYellowFish]

Anyone? X

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

No, your definitely not being unreasonable, I would be fuming as well! How bloody selfish!!

[ephemeralfairy]

The 'friend' must be rubbing his hands together at getting all this expert help on the cheap! I agree YANBU.
You need to talk to your DH asap.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

He is being an idiot. The friend is not a friend!!

Somehow you have to make him see that it is the friend who is costing you your holiday.

[BathtimeFunkster]

YANBU

Either he works at his normal rate or he gets a job.

Stupid, self-indulgent nonsense.

[Cornettoninja]

I don't think yabu at all.

If he's so eager to please this new playmate then he needs to fit the work in as an extra with minimal impact on the family or proper paying work. I get the need to network but he's naive to think people won't take advantage of him. If this guy is any sort of friend he'll understand he has a family to support.

How much does he have to do with the finances? Have you shown him in black and white how much his people pleasing is costing you all?

[justmyview]

We don't have sufficient detail to know if YABU.

If DH is correct & this work will lead to bigger things, then YABU. He may have a better knowledge of this than you do

[suntansally]

hi i get it EXACTLY please read my other post lol x
we will chat

[BathtimeFunkster]

We do have enough information.

You don't accept work at a quarter of your usual rate on the off chance of it leading to "something big" without agreement from your spouse that they can cover the enormous drop in income.

[GreenFishYellowFish]

The problem is I genuinely don't believe that it will lead to bigger things, as surely his friend would pay him a decent rate from the word go of this was the case. It may well lead to more 'work' but at a piddly low rate. DH is a highly qualified professional and its pissing me off so much that he's being so underpaid

[BrucieTheShark]

This sounds like xBil - was your husband previously divorced OP?

He was a nightmare for this. I think he just got swept away with the idea of certain people or a lifestyle. He wanted to be accepted by them and very quickly got his feet under their table at any cost. He also undercharged the people he wanted to impress and overcharged his family as well as doing shoddy work that took far too long.

He bled my Dsis dry (she brought in a decent wage) and bought himself numerous vehicles (obsessed with cars and vans) as well as Rolex watches etc. He was proud that he earned so little 'officially' that he managed not to pay tax.

He also became hugely controlling and very emotionally abusive.

Are any of these other things true of your DH? I personally think that valuing a virtual stranger's feelings so far above ones family is a huge red flag.

[lorelei9]

is there something else behind this - e.g. DH wants to keep working with his mate because he's had horrible experiences previously?

I do agree with you that it's unfair, and also I agree that it won't lead to better things. My experience is that selling any skill for less than it is worth usually leads to more low pay. The only way round it is if your DH's friend will lie about what he paid for the work and make your DH out to be brilliant in references.

has he registered the figures in his head? Using savings to pay for work at a reduced rate seems mad.

[pasturesgreen]

Of course YANBU.

This so-called friend is no friend of your DH, just some selfish tosser who's taking advantage of your DH's being a pushover good nature.

You need to have a very serious word, although you probably know that already.

[GreenFishYellowFish]

I've tried speaking to DH but he refuses to talk about it. He literally walks off or changes the subject.

[MogLikesEggs]

A quarter of the usual rate? I think my lovely DH would think I'd taken leave of my senses if I did that for 3 months. I don't think big things start out with exploitation, has he given any details of the big things he thinks are just around the corner or is it just very vague?

[GreenFishYellowFish]

It's all very vague.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

If the project has been extended by a month he needs to ask for a raise.

And no, YANBU

[BoomBoomsCousin]

If he won't even discuss it you probably ought to start looking at how you can increase your earning power. Separate roles in a family aren't unreasonable, though they generally leave the non-earner with less power, but they only work if you can rely on each other. And he is demonstrating that you can't rely on him. YANBU, he has currently is dictating terms, take back some power.

[GreenFishYellowFish]

I have nowhere near his earning capacity unfortunately :( I wish I did!

[pinkdelight]

Not sure if you've said already, but is your DH actually turning down offers of fully-paid work in order to do this? If so, then YANBU, but if he's not being offered his full rate from anywhere else, then it's not that uncommon for self-employed people to work for less in order to build relationships and secure longer term work.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Don't make him any dinner. Tell him you can't afford to feed him since he's chucking away £££ each month. Petty but might get the point across.

[Stormtreader]

Tell him he'll be missed on the holiday this year. Sadly only you and the kids can afford to go somewhere cheap, hes not bringing in enough money to be able to go too, what a shame.

He needs to understand that hes telling you and the kids that all of you must now miss out because of this decision he's made, he's choosing for all of you to be poorer and it's not on.

[bigredballoon]

I am guessing DH is a Tradie and is working for mates rates to help his "friend" on a project. Suspect his friend is managing the project and thus creaming off all the profit.

YANBU, your husband is setting himself up to be a mug for this other person.

[chanelfreak]

YANBU at all and I think you need to be blunt with your DH - it's not fair that his decision to network/help out a friend is costing you and your DCs a holiday, your savings and family time.

Perhaps your DH doesn't realise the seriousness of what he is doing to your finances? I would definitely recommend a proper sit-down and uninterrupted discussion and if your DH decides to continue working for the friend, then he needs to get proper guarantees that it will a) lead to more (better-paid) work or b) a raise to compensate him for the time and effort he is putting in, otherwise he needs to stop doing what he is doing.

[pippistrelle]

Have there been other things he refuses to discuss, or just this?

Either way, he's being ridiculous.