to be emotional about FIL's hospital and angry with the IL's(18 Posts)
FIL was blue lighted to hospital on Monday with acute chest pain. He was admitted and kept under observation, filled with morphine etc etc. Released him yesterday with an outpatients appt for a ct scan once it was established that it was nothing life threatening.
We are their only family. We live 100 miles or so away. We have a good relationship, we get along, I find them inoffensive, a bit boring, a bit bonkers maybe but not unpleasant in the slightest. They have a fantastic relationship with our dcs.
They didn't bother to let us know. Dh rang them this evening for an everyday chat and they mentioned it in passing.
They seem determined to go through life making the absolute minimum of impact on anyone else, including us. If they come and stay, they supply a lot of their own food as they don't want to cause us any bother or expense on their account. They won't allow us to do anything for them, even if we want to.
Aibu to be pissed off that they wouldn't think to let us know? Probably I suppose. It's not really our business at the end of the day.
It just makes me sad and cross. Dh doesn't seem overly bothered which also annoys me. Aarrghghhhhhh
Well I suppose it's better than them being on the phone every five minutes demanding that you go over and peel them grapes or something
Some older people can be incredibly demanding and will quite happily run their relatives into the ground you know.
If your DH isn't overly bothered then there's no reason for you to be. I could understand your anger more easily if you were watching your DH being hurt, but if he's ok with it then it's just a difference in the way his family is to your ideal. Nothing to be angry about.
There's a lot of people (probably me included) that think it sounds like you have the in laws from heaven!
DMil did a similar thing to us a few years ago. She just 'didn't want to bother us'. We live 500 miles away and what happened has been life changing for her. DH had a long but gentle chat with her and explained that we really needed to know about stuff like that, and we could decide ourselves if it meant we ought to travel to her. She has promised full disclosure in the future. We also had to have that chat with DAunt, who was complicit. (And rather enjoyed the drama and info control too much!).
Take a deep breath or two, tell them you understand, but please please not to do it again.
It's a generational thing... When my DDad had a heart attack and was blue-lighted to hospital early one morning, the first I knew of it was his friend (who lived in the same road and had seen the ambulance) ringing me to see how he was - that evening...
DM & D 'hadn't wanted to worry us', so DM had gone in the ambulance with him and sat at the hospital all day...! We lived 20 miles away and were very close to them - we left the DC with a friend and drove over, and they were both really You shouldn't have come all this way...!!
My parents are exactly the same (they're late 70s). Granted we now live on the other side of the world but when we lived in the same town I rarely heard anything health wise until weeks later.
It's frustrating but it's not because they don't care, it's a privacy issue.
I agree, if there was anything wrong with me I'd tell no one until I'd had the tests and results. That includes my dh, Dm, dd and Ds.
If I was really really concerned that I might be at deaths door I'd possibly tell dd as she is least likely to panic and she'd have to support dh big time.
Yes - I agree with pps. I expect they'd have told you if he'd been kept in longer.
In FIL's position, the last thing I'd want would be worried dcs arriving at my bedside.
I imagine they take pride in still being self-sufficient not needing help. Don't take that away from them.
I get you OP. My grandad lived in France, I was planning a trip to see him but prioritised saving 1 year and decided to go later. I was told by his wife that he was unwell but it was very much downplayed as nothing serious at all, something similar to what he'd had years ago and a possible extension of that. Next thing I know he had died. Turned out he had cancer and was very very ill. If I'd known that I'd have gone over when I had the chance. His wife (my nan had passed away years before) got ill after. She just told me she had lost weight, nothing serious. We were making arrangements for when she was coming over again. Next thing I got a call from her son, they had had to go over and get her as she was really ill. She died a week later. She had information about family that I wasn't told about because it was a sensitive subject when my grandad was alive. I never got to speak to her.
I get that some older people don't want to make a fuss but it 'annoys' me, for want of a better word. If a relative is ill, especially an elderly one, I want to know so I have chance to see them in case it turns out to be serious. We are adults and don't need shielding from the harsher things in life.
Did they let anyone know?
I'm an only child, my mum is now widowed and she recently was admitted to hospital and didn't bother to let me know. She said 'she knew they'd fix it and I'd worry' so she sorted it out with a friend who lives nearby her who took her home after a couple of days. Well I would have worried, she went in with a life threatening emergency
I'm used to it now, she's done it a couple of times.
I wish she wouldn't but she is a grown woman not a child. It's a way she still gets to express that she looks after me rather than the other way round.
I would often visit my parents home over the odd weekend, when I was back in my 20's, to find out from my mum that dad, who wasn't a well man, had spent a night in hospital during the week. She never ever told me or my brother over the phone, and only mentioned it in passing if we visited. It happened two or three times.
So the morning I got a call at 2am saying that my dad was in hospital and my brother was on his way to pick me up (I lived 45 mins from my brother and we both lived 3 hrs from 'home') I knew that it was bad.
The other times- mum didn't want to worry us. The last time- mum wanted to give us the chance to say goodbye to Dad. He died 12 hours after we got to the hospital.
I understand how you feel, but I think you have to respect 'their ways'. Many of their generation don't want to 'make a fuss' or they 'don't want to worry you, dear'. They aren't trying to hide things from you, they just don't want you to worry.
Actually, now that I think about it, I've done the same thing so I guess I should have said 'my generation' instead of 'their generation'! Broke an ankle and ended up having surgery. I was medivac'd across 3 states in the middle of Winter over snow to the nearest hospital. We didn't call our kids until it was all over. We realized that there was nothing they would actually be able to do as we were 800 miles from home and we didn't want them to worry as we knew we had it all in hand.
Thank you, you're all right, I just worry as they don't really socialise and mil doesn't drive, but they have cash and there are taxis.
I have now got over myself
Just want to say bless you for being concerned and wanting to be involved with them, to care about them. There are so many threads about 'can't stand the iLs' or 'Oh God, we have to see the iLs again!' that it's nice to hear from someone who got mad because the iLs didn't call instead of getting mad because they call too much.
Your iLs are lucky to have you.
It is a generational thing, and I suppose part of it is likely not wanting a fuss, discussing the same thing over and over again. And also facing up to your own mortality, seeing the concern on your kids' faces- "is this the one they won't bounce back from", that sort of thing.
My parents do it too. And although it is sometimes not very nice it's their decision that they want to do it like that, it's up to them and I have to accept it.
They are quite closed off people emotionally and don't want a big fuss. Also we live a distance away and their thinking is that there is very little we can do so there is no point worrying us unnecessarily and giving us a sleepless night until they know how the land lies. To them having people making a big thing of it and calling for updates and making a fuss would make it much worse for them. Although it's tough you do need to respect their wishes.
It's definitely a generation thing. When our mum was dying she just kept saying to us, "Don't worry about me, you just look after yourselves". She was suffering from Alzheimer's and didn't remember our names. < I need my hanky..>
I believe it comes from the war years and the depression years where everybody had to be more stoic and knew their neighbours were in the same boat, so did not want to bother anybody with their troubles, as the neighbours had plenty of their own.
So don't be pissed at them, just be supportive and remind them that YOU are family and want to be notified if there are any problems. Glad your FIL is now OK.
My ILs are the same. DH went mad at them when he only found out that his mum had had an accident when he called her work to speak to her one day and her colleague said oh but she's still at home recovering from the accident! Since then they have been a bit better at telling us things but they still massively downplay everything.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.