Posting here for traffic and straight talking opinions.
DH & I together for 3.5 years. Two DC from previous marriages each plus two DC together. Going through court for his DC for 2.5 years. Lots of delays, lots of errors. Essentially DH has been asking for EOW and half holidays and now has this. Pays maintenance. I was not OW. Proceedings continue with mum wanting a variation. DH has had 3 final orders. Each time, mum finds fault and returns the matter to court. We have asked about an order to stop this and been told she hasn't applied enough yet.
DH has been accused of everything from being an alcoholic, domestic violence, neglecting DSC, physically abusing DSC, everything. I have been accused of being mentally unstable (her online stalking lead her to discover I had PND before I met DH). My DC have been accused of being violent. Obviously I don't know what happened in their relationship but DH has never had any kind of alcohol problem with me. He says he drank too much when he was at uni but don't a lot of students? DH has never been any kind of abusive to me. To the contrary, I constantly have to remind him that he is entitled to an opinion and that he doesn't have to give in to me all the time. I personally think his exW was emotionally abusive to him but as I said, I don't know this. DH is a good dad - he works full time, does housework, gets up in the night with the children if needed, plays with them, never shouts. Perhaps a little bit softer with some boundaries than I'd like but generally very good. None of the allegations have been found to be true by the court.
The DSC are massively affected by the fact that their mum cannot support contact. One is very good at acting okay but is overly eager to please, if you ask a question, you can see the cogs turning as to what answer they should give, rather than saying how they feel. Lies a lot about things that don't matter. Will pretend to be upset at handovers but has a big grin. Has some odd body language, like they are wearing a straight jacket. The other is more overtly distressed - screaming, wailing, begging for mum. Regularly makes comments that must have come from mum (adult language, subjects they haven't been told about etc). Settles down immediately after mum has left.
The court recently made a significant change - they had mum's surname on birth, they now have both. Except mum won't accept it. Where DH has put new labels on things, mum has removed or crossed out or cut them out. DSC were happy when told about this change by DH. Now several months on, they can't even say their own names with us or with mum but they can at school.
In the latter part of court proceedings, the judge and CAFCASS have talked about transferring residence or care proceedings if things don't improve. They are actually getting worse. Family counselling has taken place and resulted in mum becoming more fixed. She wants contact to reduce to the DSC seeing DH after the activity they do on a Saturday until before they do an activity on a Sunday, so not quite 24 hours, and no extra holiday contact (most so far is 10 days, we think it's been great, she thinks it's a disaster).
Every professional that has been involved has come to the conclusion that mum is not doing the right thing by the DSC and that they need her support and encouragement in having an easy relationship with DH which she can't seem to do. She was told to help the DSC buy DH a Christmas present as a gesture of goodwill. They bought a bag of star mix. She isn't remotely poor, so that wasn't why. She sends cards but signs them to DHs name and from her and the DSC, or leaves the name blank and DSC write "from x and y", no "love from", no kisses, and then one comments they didn't know that card was for DH. If DH writes in their homework books, she throws them away. One teacher has refused to issue new ones. DH can't send them back with any sign of our existence - clothes/toys we've bought, stickers or leaflets from days out, anything. They get hysterical and say mum will be angry and throw it in the bin.
DH & I are exhausted. We have used up all our money on various legal fees and associated costs, we are emotionally drained and this is impacting on all the children. I don't think I can carry on for much longer in our marriage, watching the fight for the DSC continue endlessly, negatively impacting them, us and our other DC. If we separate, I don't think it would change things for DH, he would still have to fight this much and then our DC together would have a "broken home". I don't want that.
We're at a cross roads now. DH either pushes on for transfer of residence (and all the trauma that will bring) though would not have have a lawyer as we have no money left or he gives in and DH effectively becomes little more than a friendly uncle they visit for a Saturday afternoon and night once a week. That doesn't feel like the right option either - it reduces conflict, which is good, but only until mum decides she's not happy with that either (she hasn't been happy at any stage, even when contact was 2 hours a week), and it puts the children at risk of feeling rejected (a common theme until recently was "Mummy says you left us, mummy says you don't love us, mummy says you love Four's children more than us" etc).
I literally don't know what to do for the best. I suspect there isn't a right answer or that the right answer can only be known with the benefit of hindsight. What I do know is that this isn't working 
AIBU?
To stop fighting for DSC?
Fourormore · 24/02/2016 14:35
We've been through this.
We had to give up, we just didn't have the money.
We barely see dsd anymore.
He's hoping she is almost old enough to make her own decisions on things and see us more but I'm not sure she will.
It's very sad.
Your situation sounds far worse than ours. I would keep going. Your step children sound as though they're being damaged.
My dsd isn't apart from being told a pack of lies about DH.
DontCare - thank you. I'm glad things are better for your DSC now. When my DSC are here, it's like they melt or come alive or something. And then before they go back, they freeze again. It's awful to watch.
Ijust - that's really sad. 6 months ago I would have been quite judgy about people that give up but I really get it now. I think we will give it a good shot at residence but I don't see how we can go on indefinitely with a new variation request every 6 months
Chrysanthemum - it was suggested by CAFCASS and then applied for by DH. The judge ordered it because the DSC were telling people they didn't have a dad (despite seeing him every week and being happy while with him) and because they were confused about their identity. It was supposed to be a clear way of showing the children they are half mum half dad but it's actually only increased their confusion and distress
Op were in a similar situation. It's appalling isn't it we've talked about giving up walking away etc people just do not understand the stress. I'm off work with it all at the moment. I think what is really positive is the children want to see you and enjoy it my dsd's get poisoned against us every time their mum is unhappy so she can use them as a weapon to get what she wants so they will then say they don't want to come . At 8 and 12 it's hard to then force them obviously even though we have done nothing at all wrong .
You sound in a much stronger position than us so do try to keep on. You have my sympathy and empathy good luck 
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