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To send DH while I stay at home.

(41 Posts)
Finallyonboard Wed 24-Feb-16 12:30:13

Bit of background; my SIL and PIL are lovely, kind people who would do anything for anyone. Genuinely lovely. However, my SIL tends to organise big outings/ events to coincide with mine.

For example, she booked her wedding dress shopping weekend for the day after I had my first DC (date known in advance due to CS) and understandably, MIL had to delay seeing DD until dress weekend was over.

SIL booked her housewarming for the day of my graduation so we were all rushing from one event to the next.

She's not a bad person and I do, genuinely think that she doesn't do this on purpose.

So, my current dilemma. We have been TTC our second DC for years, but haven't been successful. We recently shared that we're having IVF in the hope if conceiving number two. If the first shot is successful (good chance it won't be, to be fair) the baby would be born around the date of my DD's birthday. We've all been laughing about this a few weeks later, my SIL (who hasn't got married in the last 5 years despite having the dress grin) has not booked her wedding to coincide with a date that either first IVF baby would be born or we'd possibly be going through more IVF. She's getting married abroad so we need to book ASAP.

So, AIBU to send my DH alone (my DD will stay at home with me due to the faff) as I can't guarantee I'll be able to go due to possible baby's birth, IVF or even a pregnancy. I can't book a holiday it's likely I'll be unable to attend, even if it is a wedding, can I.

I am fully aware that my SIL will be sad as she wanted me and my DD to be bridesmaids, but honestly, she can't expect me to go, can she?

NewNameNotTheSame Wed 24-Feb-16 12:40:59

And you're sure she's not doing this on purpose?....

Do whatever you want to do, she does. Good luck with the IVF smile

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 24-Feb-16 12:43:02

Yeah shes definetly a thunder stealer

And no way would dh be going if it.meant he missed his child being born.

scarednoob Wed 24-Feb-16 12:45:45

If you booked on a credit card and insured it, then were unable to go for medical reasons (hopefully giving birth), could you claim the costs back?

If you don't feel like going because of the ivf and faff of taking your daughter, I think it would be absolutely fair enough to explain that.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 24-Feb-16 12:46:42

She definitely IS doing it on purpose!

Baby trumps wedding for me. Any mention and of course I won't be going, I'll be nine months pregnant or nursing a newborn. Naturally DD needs to stay with me too...

PeppasNanna Wed 24-Feb-16 12:47:09

I would want my dh with me if i was giving birth.
I would just explain due to timing that none of you will be able to book until your situation is clearer.
So you might not go but hopefully you will be able to.

Finallyonboard Wed 24-Feb-16 12:48:35

She's a really lovely person. Kind and generous. Wonderful actually, it's just this odd thing that she does.

Penny, we've though of that and any sign of early birth, he'll fly straight home. He'll literally fly out for the ceremony and fly home asap.

SouthWesterlyWinds Wed 24-Feb-16 12:49:42

If it's that far in advance, has she actually paid a deposit or booked it? Your husband, his sister, he needs to have a word. Once is a co-incidence, twice is irritation, three times is fucking rude.

Finallyonboard Wed 24-Feb-16 12:50:46

It might be that I'm not pregnant or having the IVF at that exact time, but I just don't know what the situation will be.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 24-Feb-16 12:52:17

She's totally doing it on purpose.

No way should DH go.

HackerFucker22 Wed 24-Feb-16 12:52:51

Wedding dress shopping trumped meeting new grandchild? What the fuck.

Finallyonboard Wed 24-Feb-16 12:53:00

South, it's more than three times in the last 16 years butni can't even remember most of them. My DH and I tend tomlaugh about it now. She's such a great person in every other way I don't feel I can hold it against her really smile

DoreenLethal Wed 24-Feb-16 12:54:46

I'd discuss it with my husband as to what plan A, B and C will be. But if Plan C is having a baby then I'd be expecting him to be at home!

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 24-Feb-16 12:55:35

You really can. She is making sure every situation has some reference to her in it. Sounds like the whole family pander to her - can't believe your MIL didn't tell her to get a bloody grip and change the date of shopping.

diddl Wed 24-Feb-16 12:58:48

She's doing it on purpose!

I'm a bit confused by when SIL is getting married in terms of what you have got going on, but can you not wait to see if your first round does or doesn't work before making a decision?

If it's all too expensive by then then that's just too bad & a risk that anyone getting married abroad takes.

Hope that all goes well for you.

MrsSeanBean Wed 24-Feb-16 13:03:22

Neither you or DH will be able to go. Her bad.

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 24-Feb-16 13:05:22

Well you are being incredibly kind spirited about it all which is nice.

Finallyonboard Wed 24-Feb-16 13:08:14

I think I've painted her in a very bad light. If I were to tell you all of the wonderful things she's done over the years, you'd probably be telling me to move heaven and earth to attend her wedding. I think this is the problem, I feel that I should be doing everything I can to go no matter what the circumstances are but in reality, I want a baby more than anything else. I've had miscarriages, I can only afford three shots of IVF and will then have to stop - in reality I don't think I can go. I think she'll be really understanding too which will make me feel worse.

MatildaTheCat Wed 24-Feb-16 13:08:27

Of course neither of you can commit. Please don't de as a pp has suggested and try to claim it back on a credit card ( think she has rather confused credit card protection and travel insurance confused ). Either way, they will definitely not pay out on a pre planned pregnancy. It's hardly an ill ness and certainly classes as a pre existing condition. Obviously health complications during pregnancy may be treated differently.

You SIL may be lovely but she's after the limelight. Keep your plans quiet in future.

shoeaddict83 Wed 24-Feb-16 13:10:32

She is being unreasonable i think and its too many times to be a coincidence - but if you want to keep the peace, if its that far in advance you dont need to pay in full, couldn't you just book and pay the minimal deposit. It may be that you can go in the end, but if the IVF works and you cant then you will know well before the usual 12week balance payment and would just lose the deposit?

Would that be an option to keep the peace?

and good luck with the IVF flowers

theycallmemellojello Wed 24-Feb-16 13:11:23

I'm not convinced she's doing it on purpose. Personally the graduation of a sibling's partner would not factor into my equation when I was considering having a party (though of course I'd expect that sibling and partner would not come). You can't plan a housewarming so that every invited guest can make it. The dress shopping thing is a bit odd, but she may have presumed you'd need recovery time after the operation before having people meet the baby (mn is full of pissed of people whose in laws expect to meet the baby too soon after birth). Wrt to the wedding... It is pretty hard to find venue availability, especially if she's getting married in wedding season. I don't think that she should feel obliged to find another date on the off chance that you fall pregnant and do give birth then (which is hardly predictable). She is obviously taking her chances that you and your dh won't be able to attend, but that's her decision.

Iggi999 Wed 24-Feb-16 13:11:42

I am confused too. At the moment, you are saying you can't go to a wedding which is when? based on the fact that you are ttc and going through IVF. So it could well happen that you can both attend the wedding, in the same way as you might continue to have a holiday even though ttc. But equally you may not. Can't you work out based on the dates what stage you could be at - if the first round fails (hopefully it will not!) do you try again immediately or is there a gap?
Regarding her past history it is amazing - I'm also amazed at a dm putting dress shopping above meeting a new dgc!

middlings Wed 24-Feb-16 13:12:30

Not to be blunt, but there's a bit of the IVF process that your DH, ahem, needs to be present for. grin

So long as you can avoid that, he'd be fine to go. DH went away just after "DD1" was transferred and I actually found out we'd been successful when he was away. Had a very good friend stay the night before I tested so I wouldn't be on my own.

(Four time veteran of IVF here, feel free to PM if you want to chat. DD1 was fourth attempt. One natural miscarriage, and one on IVF - learned a huge amount along the way. DD2 was a BOGOF baby so they can happen too!)

diddl Wed 24-Feb-16 13:14:56

"I'm also amazed at a dm putting dress shopping above meeting a new dgc!"

Me too.

But then I also did think that perhaps SIL was keeping MIL away to give the new parents some space.

Also housewarming & graduation.

I guess it might depend how far apart everything is & if the graduation celebration is just lunch for example.

NNalreadyinuse Wed 24-Feb-16 13:17:24

She didn't need to go dress shopping that urgently if 5 years have gone by and she still hasn't gotten married! Seems like a thunder stealer to me. I'm not at all convinced she is as lovely as you think.

I would not go, nor would dh under these circumstances. I think you need to realise that the events going on in your own lives hold more weight than those going on in hers.

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