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Unreasonable to be upset at being called stupid and a moron by "D"H

(252 Posts)
OldFarticus Tue 23-Feb-16 14:36:50

We are purchasing a house (or trying to). Mortgage offer has been delayed and the process has stalled. I send an email to the broker asking for an explanation - it's polite, but asks why various things could not have happened more quickly and how they can resolve it now. I probably should have just left DH to it but I thought me chasing might move things along.

DH has exploded. He has called me stupid on about 5 separate occasions by phone and text. He said that the broker will think I am a moron and will not believe that I have an important job. He then said I am unfit for any kind of responsibility, that I am "mentally unstable" and that I should be in a psychiatric ward. He then put the tin lid on it by telling me that my mental state will make me an unfit mother. (We are going through IVF at the moment so I am a tad stressed anyway).

I practically wrote the book on imposter syndrome so I spend a lot of time telling myself how stupid, useless and fraudulent I am. To hear it from him has left me in a bit of a state. I am crying at work and can't stop shaking. Is this normal stressed DH behaviour caused by my interference? I feel as though he has crossed a line but I am doubting my mental capacity/fitness to have an opinion about anything now.

geekymommy Tue 23-Feb-16 14:39:40

What? Maybe it would have been better if you had run the email by him before sending it, but all the name-calling is totally uncalled for.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker Tue 23-Feb-16 14:40:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedACleverNN Tue 23-Feb-16 14:40:06


I have no words.... Is he like this with you all the time?!

NorksAreMessy Tue 23-Feb-16 14:42:15

Line crossed!
Serious, SERIOUS conversation required.
Utterly unacceptable over-reaction on his part
Life changing discussion needed. sad
Good luck

Whatdoidohelp Tue 23-Feb-16 14:42:53

Is he this charming all the time? hmm

TheViceOfReason Tue 23-Feb-16 14:43:27

Tell him to get fucked and withdraw from the application process. There is no excuse for that.

Nanny0gg Tue 23-Feb-16 14:43:51

Is this the first time he has been like this with you?

There is no excuse for any of it.


BitOutOfPractice Tue 23-Feb-16 14:44:37

YANBU to be deeply upset. YANBU to cancel the house move with this horrible abusive man. And I would be seriously reconsidering having a baby with him. He sounds like an utter arsehole

OldFarticus Tue 23-Feb-16 14:44:53

Not all the time - but often enough lately for me to be a bit concerned it might be a "thing" if that makes sense?

I hung up on him after he first called me stupid but then he sent me several texts ramming the point home!

You are probably right geeky and I should have run the email past him but he is really busy this week and I had some time. With hindsight, it was the wrong thing to do.

I have no idea whether other H's lose it like this - it's not the first time. Last time I got worried he had called me an alcoholic (after a rare third glass of wine) and said my loud voice was the only one anyone could hear in the pub. He was then lovely for a few weeks and I forgot about it - until today.

I probably am quite thick compared to his friends and tbh I do enjoy my wine (!) but I feel that his reaction is out of proportion.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 23-Feb-16 14:46:08

Your letter sounds perfectly reasonable. His reaction is utterly vile. Even if the letter doesn't achieve anything it will have done no harm.

What is wrong with your husband that he would think that this is an acceptable reaction to a very normal action by you?

His behaviour is appalling.

I'm so sorry you're doubting yourself. Don't.

zzzzz Tue 23-Feb-16 14:46:24

Why can't you send an email to your mortgage broker?confused

Is it HIS mortgage application and you've nosed in? (I'm struggling to see why you emailing ANYTHING is an issue)

Fratelli Tue 23-Feb-16 14:46:42

I would be rethinking buying a house and trying for a baby tbh, sorry. He sounds abusive.

longdiling Tue 23-Feb-16 14:46:50

My first thought is that he's hiding something. I wonder if the process has stalled because your dh has done something you are unaware of? That level of anger and abuse is utterly, utterly bizarre. It's him with the issue though not you, nobody should say stuff like that to somebody they love.

CooPie10 Tue 23-Feb-16 14:47:24

shockhow dare he! What cruel, hurtful things especially about the unfit mother stuff.
You have some glaring red flags here and certainly should not be buying a house with him. This is not a normal stress related reaction.

RhiWrites Tue 23-Feb-16 14:47:49

If anyone's cussing me doubt about their fitness to be a parent it's Mr Emotionally Abusive with his anger issues.

RhiWrites Tue 23-Feb-16 14:47:59


FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 23-Feb-16 14:48:06

No, my husband wouldn't lose it with me like this. Not even if I'd done something genuinely stupid. If he thought I shouldn't have written the email, he would have discussed it with me. We would have talked about it and that would have been it.

It's not something to get angry about.

zzzzz Tue 23-Feb-16 14:48:45

Being "thick" or not is TOTALLY immaterial. Being intelligent is not a free ticket to treat people badly shock

NeedACleverNN Tue 23-Feb-16 14:48:56

Why should you have run the letter by him?

I wouldn't have done. I would have assumed my husband trusted my input and therefore valued what I had to say. Like all normal married couples.

I think you need to have a serious think in whether you want to continue this relationship. Whether you want to tie yourself into a mortgage and maybe a child with him.
Yes he could be under huge amounts of stress but that gives him no right to say those things to you.

Once on the phone in the heat of moment, slightly excuse able. Continuous texting and ramming it home. Completely out of order

314Romaniac Tue 23-Feb-16 14:49:10

It only gets worse. Occasional to begin with. Always an excuse, I'm sorry, but you blah blah blah blah....

Get your share of the deposit and keep it safe.

fwiw, my x just got worse and worse over time until I was trapped and financially dependent and walking on egg shell around him. In the end I was regularly told I was too stupid to cook a fucking ready meal.

OldFarticus Tue 23-Feb-16 14:49:30

It's a joint application - so I am jointly responsible for the loan. We had a deal that I would deal with the solicitor and he would deal with the broker, but since the solicitor is waiting for the application to be approved, I decided to chivvy things along. This turned out to be a bad move.

I feel such a twat for sobbing at work.

OzzieFem Tue 23-Feb-16 14:50:29

You want to have a baby with this abuser? Seriously? Forget about a mortgage, think about a divorce instead.

Things will only get worse. flowers

Shoveyergrannyaffabus Tue 23-Feb-16 14:50:54

I don't see why you should have run the email by your H, you are an adult not a child. You have every right to ask questions and not to be attacked in that way.
This is horrible, I feel awful for you and personally I couldn't be with someone that treated to me that way.

BolshierAryaStark Tue 23-Feb-16 14:51:16

Wtaf? No it's not normal for him to speak to you that way. I would not accept this, nor would I be trying for a child with him.
Please sit & have a think back over your relationship to see if this is actually a regular occurrence, if it is I'd get rid tbh.

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